Smarter relationships & using your feel-good chemicals wisely

I’ve called this video – Taking common sense into relationships and adapting your internal chemistry.

I’ve chosen to stay with the topic of common sense as the feedback from my last video was so positive and because common sense thinking (often) gets obscured by the continuous bombardment of the cultural and societal programming our brains have always received.

So, the first topic I would like to apply some common sense thinking to is our relationships.

I often ask clients, “How much time do you spend working on your relationship with your significant other? And, usually, they stare back at me and say, “What do you mean?”

I say, “how much time do you dedicate to learning more about them, exploring ways to communicate more effectively, planning for the future, being playful with them, finding ways to make them happy, helping them to live out their dreams and things like that.”

Because surely, those things would make a lot of common sense if you are going to spend the next 20, 30 or 40 years together?

I say a similar thing to single clients too (assuming they wish to be in a relationship), “Who might you need to become, and how might you need to behave that would attract the type of person you desire to seek you out and choose to spend their life with you?

How can your day-to-day behaviours broadcast messages out into the World through your optimism, calmness, happiness and approachability (or whatever message you’d like them to receive about you)?

I think these are big questions worth exploring that drill down into the true essence of who you desire to be and what type of relationship might bring you the most connection, calmness and joy – or whatever it is you want from a relationship, which is another good question, “do you really know what you want from a relationship?”

Another common-sense measurement is to consider – are you aligned with your partner?

Do you believe in similar things? Do you like doing similar activities? Do you have common goals, values, and intentions? Culturally are you aligned? Do you have similar desires about having children (or not), and how might you like to bring up your children?

Do you have similar views on work-life balance? Common aspirations of connection with extended family? Do you socially enjoy doing similar activities and like similar types of people? Can you talk about any topic without triggering each other? Does your partner know your deepest desires, and are you brave enough to share them?

Alignment can also include balance, like one party being introverted and the other extroverted; there will be a level where this compliments the relationship, and each grows from the other’s behaviour, but at another level, it may become out of balance, like if one party worries about everything the other doesn’t.

So, alignment (and balance) help to underpin a good relationship, and that alignment comes from knowing who you are and what you want from life and from enhanced communication skills that will allow you to understand your partner too.

So, let’s revisit the common sense perspectives I proposed of love and care (from video 19) – where I said that people are different and that it might be sensible to love others how they wish to be loved – and then to share with them how you would like to be loved, so they don’t have to guess.

Surely – this is just common sense emotional intelligence?

But very few people were taught this in school. I certainly wasn’t; I felt alienated from the opportunity to develop my emotional intelligence concerning relationships by attending a boys-only school.

By the time I was 16, I was terrified of girls as I didn’t understand or know how to communicate with them, making me very anxious and self-conscious.

It was as if society’s intelligence was saying, “go to a boy’s school and then, by staying away from girls, you can focus on your education with no distractions.

Whereas common sense might have said, “If we make education fun, you’ll love learning, and if you are at a mixed school, you’ll be able to develop the emotional skills required to interact with (and understand the opposite sex), which are talents that will be very useful as an adult!

Alison Armstrong – Relationship Coach

I’ve mentioned before I like the relationship expert Alison Armstrong (I have linked her audiobooks in the description below), and I have successfully applied many of her techniques to my relationship.

For years Jen and I listened to her recordings whenever we had dedicated time together, like in a car or on holiday.

And I want to share three of her relationship observations that struck me as very common sense.

Firstly, if you are turning yourself inside out, trying to please the other person by behaving in ways that are not natural to you.

Then, surely, even if you become that perfect person that you believed was the other person’s ideal – would you be living a lie? Would you be exhausting yourself, and would you be overlooking your own needs?

Another way of saying that is – just because you love a person, it might not mean they are the right person for you, or there might be another more honest (to yourself) way to be in that relationship.

The second observation was regarding dating; Alison suggests there is no shortage of single people in the World; the issue with dating is how to access those people and how quickly you can sort through them to find the right match!

How quickly can you discard the wrong person within one or two interactions rather than having to date them for six months to see what they are like?

Now, from a romantic view, this might seem cold and heartless, but from a common sense perspective, it is both practical and sensible!

From the first call (or meeting), could you be very honest with them about who you are, what you like, if you would like children (or not) if intimacy is important, your attitudes to money, your job, where and how you would like to live?

And encourage them to do the same; that way, very quickly, you’ll know if there is enough natural alignment to make it worthwhile moving to the next level, plus it gives you lots to talk about in those early interactions.

And if you being honest and direct flags something within them they don’t like, then good, because it probably means they are the wrong person for you!

And finally, there is the vast topic of masculine and feminine energy and how men and women may (unknowing) flip-flop between either energy and how that may affect the other party.

An example might be if a woman was in a masculine energy moment, she might reject any help a man offers (as in that instant, she is fully competent to take action), yet, moments later, she might be in a softer feminine energy and anticipate her man to step forward to help or support her.

These (usually unnoticed) flip-flopping of energetic states often bring a lot of confusion (especially to men); however, knowing about this allows for an enhanced relationship through simple communication techniques.

For example, in my relationship, I’ll often ask Jen, are you asking me to just listen to what you have to say (which is more of a feminine energy), or do you need me to take action from what you are saying, which is more masculine energy based?

Now, I don’t want to expand on those concepts too much because Alison does it in such a clever and funny way; however, I suggest that (as a couple) you might find it interesting to check out her work.

The five Love Languages

Now, another helpful process for unearthing common sense intelligence about relationships is outlined in Dr Gary Chapman’s book called – The 5 Love Languages.

If you haven’t yet read it, I will urge you to check it out, and if you have read it, I’d still encourage you to listen to what I have to say – because, in my experience (though

many people have read the book), very few have integrated that wisdom into their relationships (or with themselves).

Dr Chapman proposes that there are five key ways we tend to give love and receive love; which are;

Through acts of service – This means you show others you love them by willingly doing things for them, cooking, cleaning, helping out etc. – Or, it makes you feel loved when others do those acts of service for you.

Through physical touch – This means you show others you love them through touching, hugging, kissing, holding hands and intimacy. Or, it makes you feel loved when others act that way towards you.

Through spending quality time with them – This means you show others you love them by spending lots of time with them and giving them your full attention. Or, it makes you feel loved when others choose to spend time with you and give you their full attention.

Through giving (or receiving) gifts – This means you show others you love them by buying them gifts or spending money on them. Or it makes you feel loved when others buy gifts or financially support you.

Or through words of affirmation – This means you show others you love them by telling them you love them and positively commenting on what they do and who they are. Or, it makes you feel loved when others do the same for you.

These five options are detailed on his website at www.5lovelanguages.com, and you can also take some simple tests there too.

So, I suggest you sit down with a piece of paper and prioritise that list from most important to least important – firstly, for how you would like to receive love, then again, for how you might like to give love.

And if you are in a relationship, it would make sense for your partner to do the same – then you can align your ‘how you like to give love’ list with their’ how they like to receive love’ list and vice versa to see where there are alignments or mismatches.

Common sense intelligence would indicate that if physical touch is at the bottom of your give-love list but at the top of their receive love-list – this is a significant mismatch!

Or perhaps you like to show your love by doing acts of service for the other person, but your partner is independent and self-sufficient; once again, this is a mismatch – and no amount of working harder in the same manner is going to change anything.

This was a challenge at the beginning of Jen and my relationship; my leading modality of giving love was acts of service; I enjoy doing things for those I love, whereas Jen was independent and thought that my doing things for her assumed that I thought she couldn’t do those things.

Plus, because she was naturally an independent woman, she didn’t want to feel indebted to me in any way, not realising I wanted to do those things as they made me happy.

And (at that time) her job was as a very busy Sales Director, which meant she was financially secure but time-poor. This led to her primary way of showing love was to buy expensive gifts for those she cared for.

So, as she was busy and hadn’t seen me all week, she would buy me expensive gifts at the end of the week, which in her mind was very loving, but for me receiving gifts were at the bottom of my how-to-receive love list!

For me receiving quality time was much higher; I would have relished her taking the day off, taking me out shopping to choose a gift I really wanted and having lunch with me at the same time.

It took us quite a while to understand this and adjust our behaviours to ensure we were as aligned as possible, but it was certainly worth the effort!

Exploring these positionalities will help you adjust your behaviours, or it will help you to realise there might not be enough alignment for a relationship with enough depth of connection for happiness and longevity.

In addition, we can use this model not just in our primary relationships but also with our parents, children, friends and colleagues.

We may choose to love them how they wish to be loved, even though they are not loving us as we wish, as they don’t have this knowledge or are not ready yet to do any self-development work.

I know (in the beginning) when I started learning all this, I wanted to share it with everybody; and I was probably quite a bore talking about it all the time!

But I soon learned that people only change when forced to by circumstances or when something within them wakes up, and they become ready for change.

So it could be that this is a process you do (with them) but for yourself, and you don’t expect anything in return.

Once again, I don’t want to go into too much detail, as the book will explain it to you. However, I would like to make a few observations.

My first observation is – who are we beneath our masks? For example, many years ago, when I had my anxiety, I felt loved when I received words of affirmation – if I was told I was loved or someone commented on my doing a good job, it made me feel loved (or good enough).

And this need for words of affirmation led to my trying overly hard in my relationships (but often in the wrong areas) and aiming for perfection in what I did to receive those comments of affirmation.

What I mean by trying too hard (but in the wrong areas) includes things like working long hours to earn money when all the other person wanted was quality time with me.

Or doing lots of acts of service for another person when they were an independent person who didn’t need anything done for them.

However, as I learned how to be nice to myself and self-affirm, I no longer required those external words of affirmation, which meant I didn’t need to be perfect anymore – which meant I could try new things and even if I failed, I could still be nice to myself.

And because I didn’t need those words of affirmation anymore, I could speak my mind more, I could let my warrior out, I could let my playful nomad out, and I didn’t need to try and keep everybody happy so that they would be nice to me.

I could choose where (and on whom) I would place my attention, my energy and my time.

So, as we grow, often our list will change. Perhaps a woman who begins to love herself more may find her desire for physical touch may rise up her list of priorities.

And as we change – our new speech patterns and actions will be updating the virtual reality story that those around us (have of us), which defines how they treat and love us, as I detailed in video 23.

So, perhaps we’ll need to sit with our loved ones and tell them what we need from them. Or we can see that they are trying hard in their own way to show us love, and we can love them for who they are, not who (our ego) wishes them to be.

And my last observation on this topic is…

If we step back and look at mammals as a species (which, of course, includes us), physical touch, quality time and acts of service are very natural and innate to most mammals.

Whereas words of affirmation and gifts are very human attributes, and I would like to propose that though there is nothing wrong with them – they are more akin to romance or the icing on the cake of an already harmonious relationship.

If everything is good in a relationship – words and gifts may be an excellent addition, but if words and gifts are what is needed to make the relationship good – I think this points to room for growth that might elevate the relationship to new heights.

So, just some ideas to stimulate some new common sense thought processes within you.

I would certainly recommend you read the book; it’s not the most well-written; however, the knowledge is sound, and if you do the work, it can be quite transformational.

And one last thought about these languages of love – I would suggest that once you have elicited how you wish to receive love and how you wish to give love – that they be documented in your hierarchy of needs, values and intentions document discussed in video 32 part 2, so they remain front of mind and become incorporated into your intentions.

We are a giant chemistry set – learn how to use it!

OK, let’s bring in another topic. I remember watching a video about fifteen years ago where a doctor said we humans are a giant chemistry set, yet most people don’t bother to learn how to optimise their inner chemistry for pleasant feelings and emotions.

He said he was surprised how a person would prefer to take some external medication to make them feel better rather than to simply think and behave in ways that might naturally release those more positive chemicals within them.

He showed a clip of some people in India doing laughter therapy, where they stood around and pretended to laugh out loud. Initially, it was very fake and prescribed, but slowly people began to laugh more naturally, and the whole thing lasted about fifteen minutes.

The doctor asked some observers if they would like to join the group laughing, but only one (more extroverted) person joined in, and all the others shyly said no because they thought it looked too silly or embarrassing.

The doctor took blood samples before and after the experiment, and the second sample showed elevated levels of endorphins and Dopamine from the conscious act of laughing, even though it had been primarily artificial.

To me, this seems quite common sense; as I have said all through this course, your body reacts to what you hold in mind.

One of my simplistic but common sense observations from working with anxious and depressed people for many years is – so many of those individuals have become far too settler via the childhood suppression of either the innate warrior or nomadic aspects (or both) of their true personalities – as I discuss in my video 16.

Like in the previous laughter experiment, it is those with anxiety or depression who are most likely to refuse to join the group, though they might be the ones who would chemically benefit the most!

And this is why I have spent so much time asking you to consider switching from pessimism to optimism and from doubt to trust – and to become more playful – and to try and make your inner story as lovely as possible to influence your inner chemistry in new, more positive ways.

Now, to take this common sense thinking deeper – I’d like to step into my vulnerability (or courage) and share with you an experience I had many years ago that profoundly transformed me – and if I had followed my clever intelligence, I might never have unearthed this common sense knowledge.

Just to warn you, I’m going to talk about recreational drugs, so if this triggers you, brace yourself or end this video now.

I had always willingly avoided recreational drugs and, to a large extent, all drugs and medicines as I saw them as predominantly treating the symptoms and not necessarily addressing the underlying sources of any problem.

I had undoubtedly been deeply programmed to see recreational drugs as dangerous, harmful and absolutely wrong to use.

On my mind screen, I can still an image of Nancy Regan with her ‘just say no’ drugs message from the ’80s (such is the power of how I was programmed) – and I feared terrible things happening, like dying, being arrested, becoming addicted and feeling out of control of my mind and body.

However, I think it is interesting to note that many illegal, so-called ‘recreational drugs’ were once legal, and some, like LSD, mushrooms and MDMA, were actively used effectively by psychologists in therapeutic situations back in the ’60s and ’70s and are now being re-evaluated in many successful trials around the World.

Anyway, after 7 or 8 years of being a therapist (and well into my forties) – and from listening to thousands of people discussing their lives, I had become astonished to discover how many ordinary people of all ages (and professions) took recreational drugs.

What also interested me was how nearly every one of them had a similar story – of how much it had positively expanded their sense of self, but at the same time, there was the negative side of dependency, financial burden, relationship disruption and health issues.

I was also startled to discover how many anxious (and OCD) people had addictions to prescription medications like beta-blockers and sleeping pills, though (often) they were (somewhat) in denial of the magnitude of these dependencies.

This knowledge led me to offer my services to a local substance abuse charity, and I worked with many of its members and heard about their experiences.

At about the same time (in the UK), the government’s chief drugs adviser, a scientist called professor David Nutt of Imperial College London, was commissioned to create a report to guide the government.

However, upon receipt of his scientific report, he was dismissed and discredited because his science-based findings were that alcohol, tobacco and prescription medication were far more dangerous than most of the more common recreational drugs – which I don’t think was the message the government wanted to make public.

One example he cited was that more people died from horse riding accidents than from taking ecstasy tablets – and he (tongue in cheek) suggested that perhaps horse riding should be classified as prohibited if ecstasy was!

Anyway, it crossed my mind at that time – that what sort of therapist would I be if I was working with those taking drugs if I didn’t have at least one experience, so my frame of reference was empirical (meaning true by my experience) rather than intellectual or virtual (meaning true because I was told it was true).

The common sense part of me decided to do this experiment in Portugal – where though the chemical is prohibited, the act of using it is decriminalised, meaning the worst consequence would be some community service or I’d be sent on a recovery course.

As I mentioned in video 24, I am more driven by exploring if I can accept the consequences of getting caught breaking a rule rather than just sheepishly following all rules – because (to me) – not all rules pass the common sense test!

Portugal’s Drug Policy rests on the fundamental pillar that there is no such thing as ‘soft’ or ‘hard’ drugs, only having a healthy or an unhealthy relationship with drugs, be they prescription or unprescribed – as ultimately chemicals are just chemicals regardless of how they are regulated and who gives them to us!

People rarely talk about the shocking numbers of individuals addicted to prescription medication like beta-blockers, pain killers, sleeping tablets and synthetic opioid-based drugs like Fentanyl – plus the 100,000 or more people who die each year in the US from the adverse side effects of FDA-approved prescription drugs.

So I decided I would like to try MDMA (which is the main ingredient in an ecstasy tablet), in the safest way I could, by sampling the chemical with a test kit, staying indoors and having a sober friend sit with me to keep me safe.

Just a quick note here – I am not saying for you to do this; please do not take any drugs!

But, please do be open to listening to my actual experience, as (I think) there are some common sense conclusions.

On the evening of my experiment, the intellectually programmed part of my brain was saying this is silly and dangerous, and my common sense part was saying this is another opportunity for you to learn to relinquish control and allow yourself to be vulnerable to see what might happen.

Which has been my goal for changing my life to find more calmness… To try new things to see if they worked for me, and now I am documenting my experiential findings.

My choice to try MDMA was because I was told that you experience beautiful feelings and a strong, loving connection with others, which is why (I guess) MDMA had been used in relationship counselling back when it was legal.

I wanted to experience the delicious bodily experience people talked about – because although I have a high tolerance for pain, the continuous discomfort from my spinal scoliosis often seems relentless.

I was advised to take crystallised MDMA rather than an ecstasy tablet, as the pills may contain other ingredients that were further out of my limited ability to know or test for.

So, I took the MDMA at seven o’clock in the evening and waited for something to happen.

For thirty minutes, nothing happened, and then what felt like a panic attack started; my heart started racing, I became hot and sweaty, my mouth dried up, my vision blurred, and I felt dizzy and nauseous.

Now, at this stage of my life, I had been free from anxiety and OCD for about nine years, and the first thought that appeared on my mind screen was – “You idiot Glanvill, you’ve brought your anxiety back…!

However, because I felt anxious, I took my own advice; I sagged my body, I avoided the thoughts, focussed on my breath, and I tried to placebo my body out of the sympathetic fear response back into its para sympathetic response through acceptance and a calm and gentle inner dialogue.

As I surrendered to what was happening – (from that perspective of acceptance) – what struck me was an absolute realisation of a truth I had known at one level but had never appreciated at another…

My body was naturally responding (as it should) to the amphetamine (the speed, the upper), whatever you wish to call it, that was in that drug which stimulates the central nervous system and, therefore, my internal organs and inner feelings.

Now, I had been saying to my clients for years – anxiety is just the release of your natural flight or fight chemicals of adrenaline, cortisol and whatever else – which will naturally stimulate your central nervous system and organs.

And this is nothing to worry about – as (though uncomfortable) it is natural, just happening at the wrong time as your brain has associated fear with specific thoughts, events or people and is just warning you – (as I talk about in video 11).

And that what I had done was (metaphorically) ingested a synthetic copy of my natural internal chemicals, and thus my body was reacting how it ought to, having been given this stimulus and therefore (though uncomfortable) was to be expected and so could be accepted rather than feared, controlled or worried about!

This profound ‘experiential realisation’made me smile, and of course, it made common sense; my body was just doing what it should (at that moment), and if I were further worried or scared, I would be causing my body to release even more of my internal amphetamine in response to the external one I had taken.

The rider can be calm, even if the horse’s central nervous system has been stimulated…

After about ten minutes of surrendering to and accepting what is, my central nervous system agitation faded into the background because a most delicious wave of euphoria and well-being spread throughout my body.

I had never felt such an intense and beautiful sensation, and my pain dissipated – just touching my skin felt wonderful and stimulated pleasurable sensations within me. The colours around me became rich and vivid. Everything seemed beautiful and loving.

My mind became quiet, and (even though I am an experienced meditator) at that moment, I could easily sit in my own silence, feeling great not having to do anything – as all was well with myself and the World around me at that moment.

This extraordinary experience lasted about three hours; then, I slowly returned to my normal state – where I could reflect upon what had happened.

And there were three headlines on my mind screen.

Firstly, the confirmation of something I already knew – that any central nervous system stimulation should not be feared and could be ignored, discomfort can be tolerated and accepted.

The second question that arose was… What chemical was in MDMA that made me feel so wonderful (over and above the amphetamine?)

And it turns out there is almost nothing in the drug that makes you feel good; however, it does increase your ability to access your own existing feel-good, reward and bonding chemicals such as serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin!

Now, this was a tremendous discovery for me. Because suddenly, a common sense realisation slapped me around my face – that all my life, my doctors had told me that my depression was because my body didn’t have enough serotonin.

Yet here I was being flooded with serotonin; it had been there all the time – and it was delightful to experience, which was the opposite of depression which felt void, cold and detached.

Presumably, my problem had been that I was never taught how to access my natural stores of serotonin and had assumed this was an error of my biology or genetic –

rather than predominantly a lifestyle problem, of my behaving and thinking in avoidant, pessimistic, fearful, lonely and exhausting ways.

My doctors had wanted to prescribe me synthetic outer drugs like anti-depressants (SSRIs) rather than teach me how to access my own natural inner drugs through exercise, optimism, self-esteem, a loving internal dialogue, being in love, being creative, music, playfulness, nature and finding connection through community.

I wondered – could it be that some depressed individuals in the median section of the standard distribution curve – are experiencing an unbalanced life, causing an imbalance in their ability to access their own feel-good chemicals?

Therefore, could it be that – what they do and how they do it in new ways – might rebalance their emotions rather than only relying on prescription medications?

Those living a calm, loving, connected life (with meaning) seemed to rarely have depression unless in response to adverse life events or exhaustion from working too hard.

Now, I am not saying this is the truth; I’m not a doctor; these are just common sense metaphoric conclusions that appeared on my mind screen as I questioned everything I had been told and tried things out for myself.

I don’t blame my past doctors for not knowing this; they were acting on what they had been intellectually trained to accept by the pharmaceutical companies, which predominantly fund the universities that teach and regulate medicine.

And I was experiencing a new perspective that made a lot of sense. We are a giant chemistry set – and are we prepared to trick our bodies into releasing good chemicals by running more pleasant stories and living a life of connection and purpose?

And are we prepared to limit the release of fear-based chemicals by reprogramming our unconscious brain to change the definition of what it considers to be scary or fearful – or by looking at life differently?

For example, I used to fear what people thought about me, but now I don’t – nothing has changed except the program running in my unconscious brain, which now hardly releases any fear chemicals at all.

OK, I hope you can see the magnitude of my (experiential) hypothesis – but I am not saying take drugs; please don’t! Learn how to access your own ones.

Now, the third realisation which appeared on my mind screen was that of addiction because as soon as the effects of the MDMA wore off, I deeply desired to re-dose with the small amount of MDMA that remained.

The strength of this craving surprised me, and I could finally comprehend how addictive something like this could be – especially if a person’s life were unfortunate, lonely, stressed or out of balance, as it was a potent (yet temporary) escape from all forms of pain.

Now, because I’m human and subject to the same animal urges as everybody else, I did take that second dose, which upon reflection, I can now see was my ego looking to continue feeding from this source of pleasure.

Remember, your ego is an energetic leech which feeds from pleasure or pain, whichever it can trick you into creating!

Once again, after thirty minutes, the amphetamine kicked in by stimulating my central nervous system with all the same bodily reactions, but this time, it wasn’t a problem

at all, I knew what was happening, and though there was discomfort, I could easily accept it and keep my awareness away from it.

I was looking forward to my externally triggered serotonin rush, but what happened was unforeseen; the rush did come, but it wasn’t as strong as the first time, and it didn’t last as long either, it was nice, but it was also a little disappointing.

Subsequently, I discovered that our supplies of these internal feel-good (and reward) chemicals are limited and, once used up, need time to regenerate.

I had used up most of my body’s supply in the first hit, so there was less available for me to experience on my second go.

This realisation (of how my body really functioned) was fascinating. To see that I did have more reserves of serotonin than I thought – though once accessed, it would take time for my body to remanufacture more.

This was confirmed to me four days later when I experienced the ecstasy comedown crash, where I felt abnormally unmotivated, irritable and flat. Well, of course, I did, as I had used up all my body’s feel-good chemicals!

It was clear that, though I had experienced one night of pleasure, my body’s biological payback would lower my feelings of well-being (from its previous level) for many subsequent days.

This experience led me to do a lot of research on how we might access (and protect) our stores of reward chemicals like serotonin and dopamine.

I have found what works for me, to access my inner feel-good chemicals naturally, is humour, music, play, exercise, creativity, learning, being in a loving relationship, fasting, social interaction and having clear intentions that I desire to move towards.

I also try not to be too attached to what happens in the World so I am not unduly stressed; for example, I didn’t watch any of the World Cup football matches because (for me) that would have put too much unnecessary stress on my biology with all those powerfully emotional swings of success and loss.

And though I might have some preference for who I want to win, surely what does happen shouldn’t make or break my day – especially as it is just a game!

I’d rather conserve (and gently access) my feel-good chemicals throughout the day rather than waste them on social media or requiring a particular sports team to win to make me feel good.

I also avoid emotionally charged computer games and excessively violent or scary films because (although they are exciting) they will use up my reserves of feel-good chemicals and limit what’s available to motivate me to connect with real life.

This is just what works for me; however, we are all different; you need to research and experiment to find what works for you! To help, I’ve included links in the notes below that discuss accessing our internal (feel-good) reward chemicals.

And finally, might you unknowingly be exhausting what little feel-good chemicals you currently have through being addicted to your smartphone, social media, watching emotional tv shows or even doing emotional drama?

Each time a phone pings or one of your posts gets a like, or a youtube video of a kitten stroking a duck makes you smile, or if you are watching an emotionally driven tv show – you ARE accessing (and depleting) those reward chemicals.

However, might this keep you from moving forward, meaning you remain in those situations doing the same thing – which may be avoiding life rather than stepping into it?

Personally, if I am working on a project, I leave my phone elsewhere so I can’t be distracted. If I am working on my PC, I turn off my email, so my attention isn’t diverted, and for the most part, all (sound-based) notifications on my phone are turned off.

I choose not to use social media, and I don’t watch the news (or any state-funded tv) or any shows with commercials, as all these are structured to get your emotional buy- in.

I actively try to avoid my brain being programmed by external sources as best I can, and I try to choose how I wish to see the world and interact with it.

My goal is to NOT overuse my reward chemicals but to have them gently accessed (in the background) all through the day via gratitude, a pleasant internal dialogue, creativity, nature, community and being in love.

This way, life feels good without my depleting my stores of reward chemicals.

So, in summary, I’ll ask again – what happened to common sense? How might we realign with it and orient our thoughts and behaviours towards our relationships and how we biologically and chemically function?

Once again, lots of things to consider, but I hope I’ve given you some common sense things to think about.

Thanks for your continued support; please tell others if you like my work, and let’s explore how to naturally regulate and access those feel-good chemicals we all do seem to have.