In this short video, I want to simplify the two primary forms of guilt so you can see them from a clearer perspective.

Guilt often feels heavy and low-energy. It pushes people to do things they don’t actually want to do — either because they feel bad if they don’t, or because an old belief tells them they “ought to.”

The simplest way to understand guilt is as a contract between two people: the guilter, who tries to impose it, and the guiltee, who receives it.

While the guilter may be trying to meet their own needs, that isn’t the main focus here. What matters is whether the guiltee chooses to accept the contract.

Here’s an example. A mother says, “I haven’t seen you in months. I guess your work is more important than your own mother these days.”

Her son might reply, “That’s not fair, Mum. You know how hectic things have been. I feel terrible now. I’ll try to come up this weekend, even though I’m exhausted.”

In this case, he has accepted the contract. He took it personally, felt bad, and changed his behaviour to relieve the discomfort.

But accepting the contract is optional.

In another response, the son might say, “Mum, I love you. Right now, yes — my work is more important than visiting. I’m not going to feel guilty about that. I can call you on Sunday and we can have a proper chat. I’d really like that.”

Here he stays honest. He doesn’t take it personally. He acknowledges the situation without letting guilt control him.

The ability to refuse the contract comes from higher self-esteem. It requires honesty, the capacity not to take things personally, the ability to feel an emotion without being dominated by it, and a reduced need to please others. These are all skills that can be learned.

Now go one step further. When a person guilts themselves — feeling bad about what they did or should have done — this is simply self-abuse. Nobody else is asking them to feel that way.

In this case the contract is internal. One part of the mind (the judge) attacks another part (the victim). This only becomes clear when a person learns to observe their own thoughts and sees how different aspects of themselves are in conflict rather than working together with respect.

If you want practical tools to reduce this kind of guilt, strengthen these skills, and live a calmer, more honest and courageous life, you can explore the full course at www.calmnessinmind.com.