This is an extract from lecture 23 of The Calmness in Mind Process, where I discuss how we might cleverly change the Virtual Reality Story another person may have about us, thus altering how they may treat us, and I explore a walking meditation that is wonderful for desensitising an anxious body (if you do it).

Other people rarely treat us according to who we actually are. They treat us according to the virtual-reality story they hold about us in their minds. That story is largely built from the behaviours and signals we have previously given them. If the current treatment feels limiting or unfair, the practical question becomes whether we can update that story through consistent new behaviour.

A simple model helps. First, notice their existing virtual-reality story of you and ask what story you would prefer. Second, become aware of which internal character is speaking at any moment — Judge, Victim, Pleaser, Rebel and the rest — and which character is listening on the other side. Third, recognise when you are presenting a “best face” designed to fit in or avoid disappointment. Fourth, choose deliberately whether you are operating from Warrior, Settler or Nomad energy. Fifth, notice the energy signature you bring into the interaction. Sixth, and most important, decide to speak and act from your authentic self rather than from the version you think others want.

When these elements are left unconscious, we often programme people to treat us in ways that later frustrate us. In a job interview years ago I would have dressed uncomfortably to fit expectations, answered questions by guessing what they wanted to hear, and left them with a story of a compliant team-player happy to work every weekend. If they had hired me, they would have treated me according to that story — and I would have resented it. The resentment would have been of my own making. The same pattern appears with family, partners and friends. We plant the story, then complain about the harvest.

Authenticity changes the equation. Prepare properly, but answer truthfully. If the truthful answer means the job is not offered, that is useful information. The same principle applies to first dates or any relationship. Presenting a carefully edited best face only delays the discovery of mismatch. Stating clearly what you want and what you can offer allows both parties to qualify the fit early.

A practical tip: notice what you wish others would do more of for you — call, visit, support, include — and begin doing exactly that for them. The behaviour often travels in both directions.

Influence works both ways. We can also train ourselves to be less hooked by other people’s stories, opinions and energy. One reliable method is a simple walking meditation. Walk in a busy place. Count steps in groups of four, matching breath so that four steps are an out-breath and the next four an in-breath. With each step, lightly touch thumb to successive fingers. Keep the gaze soft and diffused; do not allow it to rest on shop windows, faces or signs. If a thought or external event pulls attention, simply return it to the steps, breath and fingers.

This practice does more than occupy the conscious mind. It systematically desensitises both the body and the ego. The body has often been conditioned into a hyper-vigilant state, scanning for threats and releasing stress chemicals at the slightest stimulus. By repeatedly denying the urge to look, react or engage, the nervous system gradually learns that most external events do not require a response. Over time the physical agitation softens. The ego, meanwhile, is the protective personality that insists on collecting data, forming opinions and staying in control. When you refuse it the information it craves — the shop window, the approaching face, the overheard conversation — it protests. That protest is useful. It reveals how much of daily tension is generated by the ego’s demand to know and judge everything. With repetition the ego’s grip loosens. You become more neutral, less pulled by stories, and the body settles into a quieter baseline.

Most of what happens around us is not our problem. Practising the quiet phrase “not my problem” and returning attention to a chosen focus builds the same capacity. In queues, waiting rooms or any forced pause, the same principle applies: place attention deliberately and refuse the mind’s invitation to generate stories and judgements.

None of this requires other people to change first. You are the one doing the work. As new behaviours become consistent, the virtual-reality stories others hold begin to update. Some people will adjust; others will not. In the latter case the three familiar options remain: change what you can, accept what you cannot, or remove yourself. The walking practice and the deliberate choice of authenticity simply make those options clearer and less emotionally expensive.

Anxiety often arises from the chemical and behavioural loops created by outdated programming, including the programming we receive from how others treat us. Changing how we present ourselves and how we allow ourselves to be treated is therefore not a peripheral skill. It is one of the practical routes out of avoidable agitation and into a life directed by clearer intention rather than by other people’s outdated stories.