Warrior, Settler, Nomad: Untangling All Your Competing (inner) Personalities

This is an excerpt from lecture 16 from The Calmness in Mind Process, where I discuss how complex personality types are often found in those with anxiety and OCD.

During childhood, traits such as dominance and playfulness are frequently suppressed in an effort to conform to the idea of being “a good child.” It is essential to release these qualities so that we can develop into well-rounded adults.

Most of us were taught a simple rule: treat others the way you would like to be treated. It sounds kind. In practice, it often creates confusion, exhaustion and quiet resentment. People do not all want the same things. They think differently, decide differently, and feel differently. Treating them according to your own preferences is like speaking a language they never learned.

A more useful approach starts with three questions. Who is in front of me, and how do they want to be treated? Who am I, and how do I want to treat myself? How can I train those around me to treat me the way I actually need once I know what that is?

The model that answers these questions is simple. We each carry three evolutionary personality strands: Warrior, Nomad and Settler. Some of this framework draws on the work of UK therapist Terence Watts, particularly his book *Warriors, Settlers & Nomads* (2000). The version here includes additional perspective developed through the Calmness in Mind series.

The Warrior is the earliest. Direct, driven, organised, able to push emotion aside and get things done. Warriors want respect more than popularity. They are comfortable with control and uncomfortable when it is taken away. Their anxiety often shows up around loss of control — flying, being a passenger, elevators, digestive issues. When healthy they lead. When cornered they can become rigid or ruthless. They dislike admitting they are wrong.

The Nomad came later. Energetic, playful, optimistic, spontaneous, more interested in the experience of the moment than in long-term plans. Nomads live in the gut rather than the head. They dislike being caged, organised or forced to finish what they start. They are almost always extroverted and can lift a room, yet they often lose awareness of other people’s needs. Under pressure they may develop dramatic physical symptoms or simply disappear into distraction. Many children labelled with attention difficulties are simply Nomads forced into systems that cannot accommodate them.

The Settler is the most recent and, for most anxious people, the most dominant in daily life. Kind, helpful, community-minded, rule-following, needing to be liked. Settlers avoid conflict and decision-making that might disappoint others. They tell small fibs to keep the peace (“I’m fine”) and then feel resentful that no one noticed they were not fine. They get stuck in guilt, shame and the demand for fairness. Anxiety and depression sit easily here because the Settler is constantly managing other people’s emotions at the expense of their own.

Toddlers show clear Warrior and Nomad traits. They say no, take what they want, make noise, and live in the moment. Settler behaviour is rare at that age. By eighteen the picture has reversed. Society, school, parents and culture suppress the Warrior and the Nomad and produce Settlers. The messages are familiar: stop being so selfish, stop showing off, share, fit in, don’t talk back, our family doesn’t do that. The original DNA tendencies are pushed underground. The person then lives as a Settler while a frustrated Warrior and a bored Nomad keep pushing for expression. The result is internal conflict, mixed signals to others, and chronic anxiety.

Complex personalities are therefore common among people with anxiety and OCD. A Settler exterior may hide a Warrior who is not allowed to lead or a Nomad who is not allowed to play. The person tries to be dominant and nice at the same time and ends up congruent with neither. Others receive confused messages and respond accordingly.

The practical work is to separate the three and run only one at a time. As the rider you observe the horse’s different parts and choose which one is needed for the situation. When a decision is required, bring the Warrior forward. When connection or care is required, bring the Settler. When creativity, play or adventure is required, bring the Nomad. The other two wait. They do not get a vote in that moment.

Rate each part honestly. How strong is your natural Warrior on a scale of one to ten across speaking your mind, standing your ground, taking charge and methodical control? Do the same for the Nomad across being the centre of attention, standing out, expressiveness and spontaneity. And for the Settler across needing to be liked, protecting others’ feelings, tolerance and indecision. Notice the mismatches. A person who rates high on needing to be liked yet low on tolerance is sending mixed signals. That mismatch is where the training begins.

Values shift with the personality in use. Winning may matter to the Warrior, fairness to the Settler, intensity of experience to the Nomad. Core values such as honesty can remain constant, but the expression changes. You can also switch deliberately in relationships or negotiations. If your Warrior is outmatched by a stronger Warrior, flank to Settler and offer practical help, or to Nomad and offer a creative solution. Conflict drops.

With children the same map is useful. Many parents try to produce Settlers at the expense of the child’s actual DNA. Teaching a child to “be Settler” at school so they fit in, while allowing Warrior and Nomad expression at home, is often kinder and more accurate than forcing a permanent identity that never fitted.

The goal is not to eliminate any of the three. It is to stop running them simultaneously and to stop living primarily as a manufactured Settler when your natural energy lies elsewhere. Alignment between who you feel you are and who you think you are reduces the internal pull in different directions. Anxiety has less room to operate when the parts of the personality are no longer fighting each other for control.

Start simply. Notice which part is active in any given moment. Practise switching deliberately. Speak and act consistently from only one at a time. The mixed messages reduce. The exhaustion of trying to be everything to everyone eases. And the question “Who am I?” begins to have a clearer, more usable answer.