Your Adopted Personality versus Your DNA Personality

I’m John Glanvill, author of The Calmness in Mind Process for overcoming Anxiety, OCD, and Depression.

Hey, good to see you again, and I’m really pleased you’ve come this far into the course – because now, I can start sharing with you the really cool stuff!

How to look at life differently, how to discover who you really are (to find yourself) – and how to start engaging in life – with more direction, courage, desire, and optimism.

So, welcome to video 16, where we are going to pause exploring anxiety (which, remember, is a symptom) and begin to ponder the question, “Who am I?” taking our learnings from video 13 even deeper.

Because if you don’t know who you are, that’s a very loose foundation to build your new dreams and desires upon.

Conditioning and Misconceptions

Growing up, I was always told, “Treat people the way you would like to be treated,” and unknowingly, due to my ‘conditioning’, my ‘programming’ – that’s what I did.

I thought that if I was nice to others, they would be nice to me. I believed that if I worked hard, I would get paid more. I naively thought that banks and the government had my best interests at heart – and I believed that following rules would keep me safe.

How wrong I was!

It turned out that all that ‘striving’ just made me feel stressed, anxious, angry, confused, worried, and exhausted.

One of the biggest “wake-up” moments of my life was learning that treating others the way I wanted to be treated was ultimately the wrong thing to do!

It is far more effective if we treat others the way THEY want to be treated.

It didn’t really dawn on me (back then) that people thought differently, felt differently, made decisions differently, and were ‘conditioned’ differently.

When I look back on my old self, I often have to just smile at my innocence, naivety, and misplaced trust.

I did my best, but missed the point that the purpose of life is to learn, to grow, and to have fun – and the only way to do those things is to face your fears rather than avoid them!

To know what you want – to say what you mean – and to mean what you say.

And even if you don’t know what you do want – to stop doing what you know you don’t want – and at least try new things to see what might feel good!

Fundamental Questions

So, if we are going to treat others the way THEY would like to be treated, it raises at least three fundamental questions:

Firstly, who is in front of me, and how do they want to be treated? Secondly, who am I, and how do I want to treat myself?

Then, thirdly, how can I train those around me to treat me the way I want to be treated, once I know what that is?

And that’s what this video is all about, teaching you a simple, yet powerful model, that will begin the process of finding your own authentic self.

Complex Personalities and Internal Conflicts

One theme I have repeated from the start of this course is that anxious or depressed people tend to have complex personalities.

This causes many internal conflicts, especially if they are (unknowingly) being two differing personalities at the same time – because this will give off confusing signals to others.

For example, if you were trying to be dominant and kind at the same time, “I really need you to do this now…” – “If you don’t mind….”

You would be incongruent within yourself, which feels bad, and the other person would be receiving those mixed messages from you, which may, to them, feel inauthentic.

So, there is the language of what you say, which they consciously process, then there’s how you say it (including your bodily inclinations), which they unconsciously register too.

Therefore, we need to untangle that complexity, enabling you to be the real you. Or at least, only one personality at a time, so you are not in conflict, and then the message you broadcast to others is evident.

Or, if we get a little more advanced – for you, the observer, to see that the horse has a complex set of differing personalities.

Sometimes it is fearful, occasionally confident, controlling, victim, depressed, creative – can you see how confusing this may be to you, as well as to them?

So, if you, the rider, could unravel your horse’s personalities and realign them – perhaps they could be harnessed in the right way, at the right time, with less conflict?

When you need to be dominant, be dominant – and when you choose to be nice, be nice…

You can choose the personality you would like to lead with in any moment and can change in an instant to another, depending on how the situation unfolds.

Learning from Terrence Watts

Some of what I am going to share with you, I learned from Terrence Watts in the UK – and though I have added my own perspective, I would advise you to explore his work – there will be a link to his book in the notes below.

So, let’s create another metaphor that, although not precisely accurate, can be used as a useful model for us to effectively understand ourselves and others better.

DNA Personality Types

We are going to start with the presumption that when a child is born, they are already predisposed to a particular personality type – and I am going to call this your DNA personality type.

You don’t get to choose it; it seems to be random, because your brother or sister may or may not have a similar personality – your parents may or may not have the same personality type.

We all know this is true because we see it in our own children and our siblings; we are just different, or similar, or like one sibling but utterly opposite to the other!

My brother and I didn’t become different; we were just different personalities from birth.

And because it’s your DNA personality type, it will follow you right through your life.

It will silently guide you towards what is right for you or away from what is wrong for you.

Using non-verbal communication, sensations, urges, desires, emotions, awareness, and ineffable feelings, because you had this DNA personality type before you had language.

You could say it is who you “feel” you are.

Then, as you grew up and got to 6, 7, 8 – and had become conditioned, programmed, and domesticated by your parents, school, religion, and culture – you ended up with another personality, the one projected onto you….

“She’s so shy, he is an extrovert, this one is amusing, he’s a timid little creature, she’s so nerdy, he’s a free spirit, she’s so logical, he’s so creative…..”

And so forms your “Thinking Personality,” which often is very different from your “DNA Feeling Personality.”

In fact, the more alignment there is between who you “Feel” you are and who you “Think” you are – the better it feels being you!

And, of course, the higher the mismatch between who you “Think” you are and who you “Feel” you are, the higher the inner turmoil.

If you THINK you should stand up for yourself, but FEEL that you can’t – we might call this misalignment, anxiety, or stress – which feels like being pulled in lots of different directions.

Emotional Creatures and Evolutionary Phases

Remember, from video two – where I said: “We are emotional creatures who learned to think?”

Well, before we learned to think, how did those emotional animals function, how did they act, how did they make decisions?

Well, for the purposes of this story, we are going to split the evolution of us monkey people into three phases of early development that may have been the sources of our DNA personality types.

Of course, back then, they wouldn’t have had any real in-depth verbal language like we have today, because the conscious logical part of the brain was yet to develop; they would have had an eight-year-old kind of unconscious emotional brain (sound familiar?)

For the sake of this metaphor, though, I am going to give them modern language – bring them forward in time to demonstrate how that DNA type would have thought and behaved these days.

Warrior (DNA) Personality Type

So, the first and most primordial personality that evolved within us, all that long way back, we are going to call the ‘Warrior (DNA) Personality Type.’

However, words such as leader, dominant, driven, blunt, bossy, controlling, and intense would also describe them well.

These individuals are typically quite forceful and have a strong presence, which may manifest through either bold or aggressive stances or gently firm, almost stoic, and ‘to the point’ demeanours, and when emotionally healthy, they have endless determination and tenacity.

They can organise well, like to plan, and achieve goals well; they can push emotions to one side and meet problems head-on.

They are poker-faced and often ‘still’ with their body language, so others find it hard to know what they are thinking or how they feel about any situation.

They will often pause before answering a question to consider their response and the implications of what they say, plus they will keep their options open until a plan of action has been agreed.

On the negative side, these warrior types like to be in control, so may come across as inflexible and domineering.

When it comes to areas of emotional conflict, they are not unduly concerned with being liked (which is why they can speak their minds so well). However, they do have a need to be respected, and this comes through their integrity and honesty.

Therefore, any sort of attack, being picked on, judged, or humiliated in any way will invoke negative (and sometimes) volatile emotional and defensive reactions.

When it comes to anxiety, they can usually just ignore it because they are more driven by the pleasure of achievement rather than the stress of taking action.

So, their symptoms of anxiety tend to revolve around feeling out of control and responses such as IBS, hypochondria, eczema, psoriasis, and digestive complaints.

Situations where they need to relinquish control may push their anxiety buttons, like flying, being a passenger in a vehicle, and in lifts.

They are cautious, yet rapid thinkers who can find the flaw in any argument, offer sound advice, and quickly gain the respect of others.

However, they may appear cynical, unfriendly, cold, and distant until they choose to let you in.

They are natural leaders, good at organising people, and easily recall logical and practical data that will support their discussions, plans, and actions.

When a plan is disrupted (or if they are cornered), Warriors may become forceful, domineering, pedantic, impatient, rude, and ruthless in their determination to ‘get back on track’ and succeed.

The two things they hate most are not getting their own way and having to admit that they are wrong.

Finally, beneath all these attempts to maintain power and control, there are often secret feelings of self-doubt, leading to cynicism and jealousy. They dislike sitting around doing nothing, as these fears begin to arise, as they feel they ought to be doing something productive.

Perhaps you can see how, back then, in monkey man times, this type of personality would have been ideal for no-nonsense, get-on-with-it survival? And these DNA personality traits were passed down from generation to generation.

Nomad (DNA) Personality Type

As time passed, and we evolved, a second DNA stream of personality started to emerge – and we are going to call this the ‘Nomad (DNA) Personality Type.’

Descriptions such as energetic, playful, optimistic, creative, distracted, loud, adventurous, hedonistic, and spontaneous label them well.

Of course, the core of their behaviour came from the Warrior DNA, so they could be forceful if they wanted to be; however, their goals and desires are very different.

Whereas the Warrior delays gratification and controls everything until a plan comes to fruition, the Nomad wants to live in the ‘now!’ enjoying freedom, exploration, and the hedonistic connection with life.

The Warrior lives in their head, the Nomad in their visceral stomach and gut feelings.

Back then, in monkey man times, they would have gone off exploring, tried new things, would have been a little more okay with danger and being out of control than the Warriors.

They would have been more comfortable not knowing what would happen next, almost seeing that as excitement and adventure.

And because Nomads want to engage with everybody, have fun with everybody, they tended to have a playful, witty, and charming personality, which makes them easy to get on with – with a kind of ‘what you see is what you get’ attitude.

Nomads are often concerned with their image, hate to lose their freedom – they try to avoid things they don’t want to do or issues they don’t want to face – you could say they easily slip into denial, avoidance, and distraction techniques.

Because they tend to live in the now and are so optimistic, they dislike planning, timekeeping, and being organised.

They love the excitement of starting something new and challenging but often get bored before finishing them.

Nomads drive Warriors mad – because the Warriors can’t control them, nor guarantee that the Nomads (with their spontaneous creativity) won’t change the Warriors’ well-considered plans.

Therefore, Nomads infuriate Warriors, which Nomads quite like – because they think Warriors are too serious and not playful enough!

Emotionally healthy Nomads enjoy life to the full whilst positively and optimistically influencing many people. Although their Nomadic exuberance may occasionally become quite wearying for their companions.

However, most of the time, their behaviour is tempered by those around them, and this develops a likeable individual who can naturally uplift others with their effervescent sense of fun and enthusiasm.

Nomads are very animated with their behaviour, excessive movements of their bodies. They are likely to break out into dance or the telling of a story from the smallest of external inputs.

Whereas Warriors may be extroverted or introverted, Nomads are almost exclusively extroverts – on the search for something new and exciting to do.

They hate sitting around doing nothing; it makes them feel anxious, so they often lose themselves in their rich inner world of imagination and creativity by learning new skills, watching videos, or playing games.

Their relationships are often very one-sided because they unknowingly just expect the world to be there for them. And because they lose themselves in their inner world, they may become unaware of the needs (and feelings) of those around them.

If they emotionally deteriorate, exhaust themselves, or come under intense pressure, they are prone to dramatic illnesses like paralysis, migraines, hypochondria, and memory loss.

A quick note here about Attention Deficit Disorder: it is my hypothesis that perhaps 50% of ADD children are, in fact, creative, easily distracted, and excitable Nomads, but many school and home environments can’t facilitate these natural abilities.

Settler (DNA) Personality Type

Now, the third personality type, which emerged around fifteen thousand years ago, as humans began to make settlements, started farming, and creating supportive communities.

We are going to call this group the ‘Settler (DNA) Personality Type.’

Words that describe these individuals might be: nice, kind, friendly, helpful, community-minded, caring, gentle, dedicated, and responsible.

To be successful in this group, being liked, being helpful, following rules, and fitting in were behavioural traits that ensured your survival.

Settlers got on with most people, had good levels of general awareness, and the tenacity to put up with life’s ups and downs; they ploughed on with what needed doing.

The Warriors planned and organised, the Nomads created, explored, and played, whilst the Settlers knuckled down and got on with the serious work of getting things done.

Therefore, a symbiotic relationship formed between the Settlers and the Warriors – because they needed each other. The Warriors needed the Settlers to do all the work to make their plans a reality.

And the Settlers needed the Warriors to give them rules to follow, to make decisions for them, and to provide structure and security because Settlers dislike conflict.

So, Warriors don’t care if they are liked but want to be respected.

Nomads don’t mind if they are liked or not as long as you engage and have fun with them.

But Settlers have a significant need to be liked – therefore, there is a tendency to avoid making decisions, thus sidestepping responsibility – so they don’t feel guilty about letting people down.

Settlers fib, not huge lies (like the Warriors and the Nomads) who are happy putting their own interests first and being selfish.

But small fibs, whereby a Settler might be asked if they are okay, and they might reply, “Yes, I’m fine, thank you.” Then, in their next breath, say, “They really don’t know how overworked I am!”

No, of course, they don’t! Because you told them you were okay!

So, although their fibs are designed to “fit in” and not “rock the boat,” they have implanted a story in the other person’s mind which is not the truth – but will lead to them being treated accordingly by that person.

Warriors can push emotions to one side to get things done; Nomads love their emotions; that’s what fun, excitement, joy, and adventure are – emotions!

But Settlers often get stuck in their negative emotions and their stories about their emotions – they feel guilt, shame, worry, and want things to be fair and just (when, of course, these are not necessarily important to the other two types).

Warriors like making the rules, Nomads love breaking the rules, and Settlers like to follow the rules – can you see how completely different these types can be?

And because Settlers like to please people and hide their real emotions – they do have problems with depression and anxiety.

Having said all that, Settlers are lovely and kind; they care for the group and want what’s best for everybody; they are pleasant and have a reliable and responsive nature.

Personality Types in Social Situations

If we consider how those three characters may differ in an everyday social situation like attending a children’s school play.

The Warrior may reluctantly go along (as they have other more practical things to do); they will sit right at the front, and once their child has been on stage, may get up and leave.

The Nomad may come in late, happily squeeze past everybody to get to that one seat near the front, then ask a person to move over so two places can be made free, then talk through the show.

The Settler may turn up early, sit a few seats back or in an aisle in case they need to go to the toilet but won’t disturb anybody – and will stay right to the end as it would be embarrassing and disrespectful to leave before all the children have had their turn on stage.

None of these behaviours is right or wrong; they are just reasonable – and appropriate for each type.

I hope by now, you are getting little ‘aha’ moments – I’m like this, my husband’s like that, my child is definitely an XYZ.

Or you might be saying, well, depending on the situation, I could be any of these personalities.

Perhaps you are starting to see these complex personalities beginning to reveal themselves – I’m a Warrior who is acting like a Settler, or I’m a Settler with a bored and lonely Nomad?

A Settler might say, “Yes,” to the question, “Can you stay late and help me?” when they really mean, “No.” Whereas a Warrior would feel comfortable just saying, “No.”

Aligning Thinking and Feeling Personalities

So, we need to ask ourselves – am I living from my Thinking Personality or from my Original DNA Personality? Are they aligned, or are they in conflict?

As the rider, we are stepping back and observing how your little horse was programmed – and who she really is under all that “domestication” and those “cover stories” we explored in video 14.

The Twist: Settlers as a Conditioned Personality

Now, all good stories have a twist near the end, something we weren’t expecting but had always been in plain sight. Well, here’s mine…

At the age of two, a toddler might exhibit many Warrior personality traits, saying no, pushing another child away, being determined, or dominating someone’s attention.

They may exhibit Nomad tendencies too, by being creative and loud, not following rules, selfishly taking all the cakes, losing themselves in their own experience, and not considering others.

But up until that age, rarely do they act like Settlers; they don’t say, “You look tired, Mum; I’ll play quietly while you have a nap,” or, “Here, share my sweets!”

No, that’s because Settlers don’t seem to be a primary DNA personality type – that way of being seems to not be intrinsic within toddlers, though the other two ways naturally are!

A graph of the DNA personality type distribution at two years old might look like this (add graph).

But if we look at the same graph when the child hits eighteen years old, it’s a very different situation.

There are fewer dominant Warriors, fewer carefree Nomads, and lots more Settlers.

It seems that parents, domestication, school, society, church, and life suppress the real DNA personalities of Warrior and Nomad (which are who we feel we are).

They are pushed down, as we are conditioned into behaving like Settlers (which really is a thinking personality) and detaches us from feeling who we were naturally born to be.

As you were growing up – just think how many times you heard…

Stop being so silly
Stop being so selfish
Stop being so noisy
Stop showing off
Share with other children
It’s not all about you
Stop being so forceful
Stop breaking the rules
Do as you are told
Don’t talk back
Try to fit in
Our family doesn’t do that sort of thing

What personality type was your Mum, your Dad, grandparents, teachers, siblings?

Because Warrior parents try to toughen up Settlers and make Nomads more serious and goal-focused.

Settler parents try to make Warriors less dominant and get Nomads to follow the rules.

Nomad parents try to get their offspring to try new things, be more playful, and push boundaries.

This caging of our Warrior and the taming of our fearless, adventurous, and playful Nomad into Settler so we “fit in” with school, society, and life.

Warriors and Nomads are DNA personality types, but Settlers are “produced” at the expense of losing a little (or a lot) of either your Warrior or your Nomad, or both!

Personal Reflection on Personality Conflicts

For me, as a teenager, it was a nightmare. I didn’t know all this back then; I just thought who I was, was who I was.

I couldn’t see that I had a Warrior that wanted control, a Settler who couldn’t make decisions and didn’t want to look silly – and a Nomad who didn’t know how to play!

Add to that, an introvert who didn’t want to get things wrong and an extrovert who hated being the centre of attention.

It’s no wonder I had anxiety and self-consciousness issues, which transformed into OCD habits to calm myself down and to distract me from myself.

It wasn’t until my mid-thirties that it dawned on me that actually, I had quite a strong Warrior personality, which was hilarious – because everybody else around me knew.

I also had a big Nomad personality; I loved to travel, I liked to do things a bit differently, I liked bending rules, having fun.

But when I lived life as either a Warrior or a Nomad – I was always in internal conflict – because my main Settler character was feeling guilty about being too bossy or embarrassed for being too outrageous.

I saw myself as a nice, kind Settler (which was my conditioning), but inside, my Warrior felt he had no purpose, and my Nomad wasn’t having enough fun.

Plus, when my Nomad did have fun, my Warrior didn’t like it because it wasn’t serious enough – and my Settler felt bad as I thought I was too selfish.

So, when I talk about unravelling your horse’s personalities, this is what I am talking about.

Personality Distribution in Anxious Individuals

In my experience of working with anxious people – about 15% are natural Warriors who, for whatever reason, are not achieving goals, not taking control, and not speaking their truth, and this manifests in them feeling stressed and depressed.

A further 15% are outright Nomads who are living the wrong life; they are bored, trapped in a job or a relationship that stifles their creativity, and this actually makes them anxious.

Another 60% are a mixture of Warrior and Nomad but who are living like a Settler – and this group becomes exhausted trying to be all things to all people, yet never feeling truly comfortable within themselves.

The last 10% can’t be helped or don’t want to be helped – so I suggest we just accept them as they are, love them for who they are (not who we want them to be); we can be lovingly detached – so we love them but detach from their drama.

OCD and Personality Types

A note here about OCD – as I said in earlier videos, OCD sits on top of anxiety, and if we look at some of the behaviours they exhibit, they can be very telling.

If they do a lot of over-the-top drama – it is usually the bored and creatively stifled Nomad behind it; therefore, that Nomad part needs to learn how to break the rules and start expressing their creativity.

Suppose they are flip-flopping between victim and aggressor, passive/aggressive, and are quite controlling. In that case, it’s the stuck Warrior with no purpose or sense of responsibility and is confusing the need to be liked with the need to be respected for their actions.

Another way to see OCD is that it is quite narcissistic – because everything IS all about them – what will others think of me? What if I look silly? What if I can’t do it? Which is really a combination of Nomad and Settler.

Can you see how easy it is to get mixed up in all these different personality types and forget who you really are?

Suggestions for Unravelling Personalities

So, let’s close this video with suggestions for unravelling (and enhancing) your inner personality types…

Suggestion 1: Teamwork Among Personalities

As the rider of your horse, it makes sense to see the Warrior, Nomad, and Settler as different parts of the horse, each with unique energies, desires, thoughts, and behavioural skill sets.

Your goal is to encourage these parts to become friends, for the rider to remind them that they are on the same team, even though they may want different things and use different strategies.

As teammates, they will understand that the needs and intentions of the rider are more significant than any of their individual desires.

When the Nomad is getting too loud, the Settler can calm things down; when a decision needs making, up steps the Warrior; when it is time to listen and help others, it’s the turn of the Settler.

But, importantly, only one comes out at a time, and when that part is out, the other two patiently wait in the wings; at that moment, it is not their problem.

As the rider, you are learning to bring out the right part at the right time and consciously stay in that modality – regardless of what the other aspects of you are proposing.

Suggestion 2: The Rider’s Role

Remember that you are the rider, the silent observer, your formless 20-year-old, your Soul (whichever title works for you), and, as such, you don’t need a personality.

Your horse is the expression of your personality, and that is what the world sees and interfaces with.

Therefore, your next task is to recognise the strengths and weaknesses within each aspect of your three personalities. So you know where to place your effort when coaching that part to operate in alignment with its true DNA personality.

So, let’s start with the Warrior. Consider what feels right for you? Is your Warrior personality naturally a 10/10 Warrior, a 5/10, or perhaps only a 3/10?

Is being a Warrior natural to you? – Or can you see how it may have been suppressed when you were young? I think nearly all people with anxiety have some suppressed Warrior.

Ask yourself:
How comfortable am I speaking my mind?
How easy is it for me to stand my ground?
Am I methodical and controlling?
How readily do I take charge of situations?

Because these are behaviours that Warriors naturally gravitate towards, and importantly, if you feel you are a 6/10 Warrior, then you need to act 6/10 across all of the four behaviours.

It’s no use being 6/10 methodical and controlling but only 2/10 taking charge because this will just come across to others as pedantic and judgemental but not taking responsibility.

So, in this instance, you can see where you need to train that part – when you choose to be Warrior, you must take more responsibility!

As a 6/10 Warrior, you may be able to go to a 7 for a while with a little discomfort to get something done.

Accept that the Settler, waiting in the wings, might not like the Warrior standing up for themselves, because the Settler needs to be liked, but it’s not their problem. It’s the Warrior’s turn for action, and they are okay not being liked as long as they are respected for their integrity!

One personality at a time – while those waiting learn to be quiet and respect the alternative skills of their team members.

We can do the same with our Nomad personality – how natural is this within me? Was it suppressed in childhood?

Does it feel like I am a 9, 5, or a 3/10?

Ask these questions of your Nomad DNA emotions:
Do I like being the centre of attention?
Do I like being different, standing out?
Am I expressive and excitable?
Am I impulsive and spontaneous?

Then look to see if your number is the same across all of those behaviours.

An example of conflict might be feeling you are an 8 in excitable, impulsive, and different, yet only a 4 in being the centre of attention.

You can see now where to place your attention for growth – when you choose to be a Nomad – you need to let go of what people might think of you when you are the centre of attention.

Which, of course, will be the Warrior feeling out of control or the Settler feeling embarrassed – but they are not part of this personality; they are waiting in the wings; it is not their problem!

As a Nomad, it is fun to be the centre of attention – so step into the truth of this part of you.

It might cause a little discomfort the first time, but that’s okay; just let that energy pass through you and stay out of the stories.

Then we move to the Settler – and remember, for the most part, Settlers are made. However, the majority of anxious people really align with the thought that they are a Settler.

I hope you are starting to see that you probably have a lot more suppressed Warrior and Nomad in your DNA than you expected?

So, what number would you classify your Settler as: 10/10, 7/10, 2/10? The questions you ask yourself are:
How much do I need to be liked?
How much do I try to protect other people’s feelings?
Am I easy-going and tolerant?
Am I very indecisive?

Do all of your behaviours rank at the same number, or is there a mismatch?

For example, a person with OCD may need to be liked, protect others’ feelings, and be indecisive – yet be very intolerant and not easy-going.

This will give off a very mixed message to those around them; they feel like a victim, but their suppressed Warrior is kicking and screaming!

Can you see how we are practising how to be each of these personalities individually, we are untangling them from each other, we are behaving true to each one, but only being one at a time?

Suggestion 3: Aligning Values with Personalities

Begin to realise that your values and beliefs can change as you jump from one personality to another.

For the Warrior, winning may be everything; for the Settler, fairness may be the driver; and for the Nomad, the intensity of the experience might be crucial.

And perhaps you may have core values that span all personalities, such as honesty?

We will be doing a lot of work on understanding your values and beliefs in later videos, so it may be prudent now to ask yourself, “What values would suit each of my personalities?” Then, try them all on for size, grow into them, and see what works.

Suggestion 4: Strategic Use of Personalities

Another practical use of these personalities is to either get your way or to still be of value if you don’t get your way.

Let me give you an example: what if you are an 8/10 Warrior and you are being dominant, trying to get your way, but the person in front of you is a 9/10 Warrior?

You may be able to push yourself up to a 9, but they will probably be able to raise their game to a 10, so you probably won’t win.

But you could flank to Settler and say, “Tell me what you need, and I will get it done for you.”

Or you could flank to Nomad and say, “Give me 24 hours, and I think I can come up with a creative solution to your problem.”

Can you see how practical this can be in everyday situations – and you can stay out of conflict?

Suggestion 5: Applying Personalities in Relationships

And my last suggestion is – how might you use this information in your relationships or with your children?

How are you bringing your children up? Does your parenting style match who they are? Are you trying to make them more Settler at the expense of their DNA Warrior or Nomad?

Can you teach them to be a “Pretend Settler” at school so they “fit in” – but out of school, they can continue to refine their Warrior and Nomad skills?

Can you have conversations with them using this type of language? “I know your cousin Paul is boring, and your Warrior just wants to punch him, but please be Settler, just for these two hours, then we can let your Nomad out and play football later.”

And in your relationships too – when your partner asks a question (or has an emotional reaction), it might be interesting to gauge which part might be having that reaction.

There’s no point trying to convince her Settler to go on a canoeing holiday, but if you can bring her Nomad to the fore – there may be a slim chance of convincing her.

And recognise too that it is okay to have multiple answers to a simple question – “What shall we do tonight, dear?”

“Well, my Warrior has some paperwork to do, my Settler is tired and just wants to sit and watch a film, and my Nomad probably could be talked into going out for a meal!” They are all true! Plus, from which character did she ask that question in the first place?

We are going to be doing lots of work around relationships in later videos.

Summary and Homework

So, in summary…

Who’s in front of you, and how do they want to be treated?

For Warriors: get to the point quickly, align with their plans, see how you can help them achieve their goals.

For Settlers: listen to them, encourage them, give them boundaries, don’t force them into making decisions, and make them feel safe and part of something.

And for Nomads: don’t cage them in, be playful, creative, and spontaneous.

Then, who are you, and how do you want to treat yourself?

When you are being Warrior, get things done; when Settler, be social and family-minded; and when Nomad, let your hair down, travel, create, and play.

And finally, how can you train those around you to treat you the way you want to be treated?

Well, by being honest to each personality type, but only being one at a time, by speaking your truth from each of these perspectives – and sharing with those close to you who you really are!

And your homework – watch this video a few times, perhaps read the book, and start to develop strategies for each of your personalities – make them into a team that supports each other.

Set goals for each personality type, but make sure their three goals align with your intentions as the rider – they are your team, you use them!

And remember, the rider can be calm, even if the horse isn’t, and the horse can still get things done, even if it is anxious or depressed; it’s your job as the rider to direct it.

Thanks for watching; I’m looking forward to the next video, where we pull everything we have learned so far into a cohesive map of where we have been and where we are going.

Until then, start playing with your new personalities, try them all on for size, but remember, only one at a time, but you can swap from one to the other in a moment’s notice.

And as you switch, change your energy in that moment too; Warriors become calm and direct, Settlers open and responsive, and Nomads loud and excited.

See you soon.