What is truth? And stopping OCD self-sabotage compulsions

I’m John Glanvill, author of The Calmness in Mind Process for Overcoming Anxiety, OCD and Depression.

Today we are going to explore the topics of truth and sabotage.

What does truth mean? What is the truth? Can we ever know if something is true or not? Is always telling the truth the right thing to do? Should we believe everything we hear or read?

And notably, should we trust that all the things we were taught, throughout our lives, to be true?

Are you knowingly (or unknowingly) sabotaging your growth towards calmness – by believing that your little ego thinks it knows the truth about everything?

Think about it; our minds forever tell us who we are, what we want, why that won’t work.

Our mind even thinks; it can tell us what other people think and what they’ll do next. Now, this is plainly ludicrous because how could we know?

It’s a mind guess! Based on your virtual reality story of them and your virtual reality story of life, founded on your domestication and life experiences, not theirs!

People often say to me, “I know what you are thinking, John” – but they don’t; they are wrong (though they think they are right) because my mind operates very differently from theirs. Why? Because I have programmed mine to see life very differently.

My mind has been reprogrammed to look for the good out there, not the bad. To be nice to me, be optimistic, let go of the past, have positive stories about the future, not make other people’s problems mine, decide where my boundaries of responsibility are, and try new perspectives and things like that.

So, have you ever considered that your ego’s knowledge might be incorrect? Yet, that information is what’s being used to sabotage you and remains the foundation of your belief systems?

And when I say sabotage – I mean things like; sleep, relationships, revision, driving, going outdoors, working, playing, getting on with life, travelling, leaving home, going to university, fearing contamination, eating out, being calm and looking after your health.

In addition, it may sabotage feelings like; happiness, calmness, ease, optimism, freedom, playfulness, letting go, trusting and radical self-honesty, which we might call telling ourselves the truth about ourselves.

But remember, our truth is based on what we currently believe to be true.

Now, if you are watching this video – it is because you like my work, or it intrigues you, or it’s helping you in some way.

Or perhaps, you are learning how to support somebody, who currently isn’t ready to do this kind of work yet, or we might say, who is unknowingly sabotaging their own recovery, by saying things like, “I am too anxious to watch a video” or “I’ve seen three therapists they are all the same, John will be no different!”

It could be that it has taken you months or years to get to watch this particular video, as you might keep stopping, then coming back to them?

You might have joined, watched a few videos, then left and rejoined a while later and picked up where you left off?

You might only be watching them because somebody else is making you watch them – or perhaps you consume them as fast as I make them?

My point is, you can only proceed with your recovery when you stop sabotaging yourself – and you can only stop sabotaging yourself by changing your beliefs and switching to new perspectives.

A man called me last week and said, “can I tell you a funny story?” I said, “of course!”

He went on to explain how he had joined my course but left after a few videos because it made him angry because his doctor had said that OCD was genetic and couldn’t be changed.

Yet, I was saying; even if there was a genetic aspect, it was still possible to retrain the conditioned brain through repetition of new thoughts, behaviours and belief systems.

So, his ego thought I couldn’t possibly be right because I wasn’t a doctor, and I was challenging his egos concept of the truth about OCD.

He went on to say that, though he was disappointed in me and my course, my name kept popping up in OCD forums, and he kept reading the comments under my youtube videos where people were complimentary and talking about how well they were doing.

Which made him wonder if he had missed something, so he rejoined and watched a few more videos – then once again left the course – because what I was teaching was not in line with what his mind thought was true. So once again, we could say he was unknowingly unconsciously sabotaging himself.

Remember, your OCD doesn’t want you to be fixed; it thinks it is keeping you safe – from the perspective of what it believes to be true!

He added – I was angry because you kept using metaphors (which his mind thought was a cop-out) as he wanted to know the truth!

Then the final straw came when his doctor told him about another patient who had experienced a dramatic recovery from complex anxiety and mentioned my course as the catalyst for their change!

He said that night he had a complete emotional breakdown (which, of course, was a venting of trapped trauma and frustration), plus the realisation came to his mind that his OCD was sabotaging him, just as I had been saying in my videos.

Suddenly – he was ready to learn, and now he is loving the course, doing well, and can recognise that truth often changes as a person’s perspective shifts.

Therefore, staying rigid in your beliefs about what’s might be true and clinging to a single perspective often hinders recovery – you can see life as fearful or as wonderful; it’s a matter of perspective and where you place your attention.

A person can only evolve when they are ready to evolve – however, the sooner we learn that truth may imprison us, as well as set us free, I think the better!

You all know I like the book The Four Agreements (and I encourage you all to read it); well, Miguel added a fifth agreement a few years, back and that wisdom was; to be sceptical, but to listen anyway!

That concept radically changed my life – to fully explore new concepts, even though my conditioned mind told me they were weird or just plain stupid.

I’ve had to overcome my minds old conditioned beliefs – so when my ego said, “that’s ridiculous”, I had to consciously override it with “let me test that out and then I’ll know for sure, what if I am missing something?”

I have learned to doubt my thoughts, or you could say I have an ‘open mind’, or I am willing to suspend my disbelief long enough to take a serious look at alternative perspectives.

And what I learned amazed me; I escaped OCD by learning how to see myself and the world from a whole new perspective – I opened my mind up to the truth – that you’ll never know the truth because the truth is dependant on content, context and perspective.

Like there is no such thing as perfection, one man’s idea of perfection may be another man’s nightmare. I know a man who won’t wear any item of clothing unless it’s ironed perfectly and another who never irons any of his clothes.

One worries until his event happens, and even then, it needs to happen in a certain way, whilst the other chap doesn’t worry at all – wastes no energy, is not being stressed.

Of course, there’s no right or wrong with those differing perspectives – but this course is all about minimising stress and worry because they exhaust your batteries and negatively condition your biological wellbeing, regardless of their truth.

The things I discovered by willingly suspending my disbelief long enough to try new concepts – turned my life around – from anxiety to calmness, from shy to confident, from self-conscious to self-loving, from fear to courage, from controlling to accepting – and many other ways.

One of my observations about emotional triggers is that the bigger the trigger, the more the (real) truth is hidden beneath it. In Jungian terms, it’s called the shadow self, that which we don’t consciously know about ourselves yet is obvious to others.

In my recovery from OCD, it was the discovery that I had a dominant and controlling nature – but had been living from a victim and pleaser perspective that freed me by stepping into my new truth.

And another realisation – was that I was clever when my old school programming and beliefs suggested that others were smarter than me.

This realisation allowed me to enjoy learning and trust myself more.

And another three of my most significant mindset changes were;

The realisation that energy has a massive effect upon us, thoughts are energy, and all the empty space between matter is full of energy; other people are made of energy – it all affects us, and we need to learn how to manage it.

Then what frequency your energy resonates at matters – slow and dense feels terrible, fast and light feels good; this is why we act to vent our atomic battery through letting go of past trauma and recharge our emotional battery by stressing less and being nice to ourselves.

Secondly, the discovery that the mind and body were quickly reprogrammable if you knew what to do and who you wanted to be.

Then thirdly; changing my perspective of myself, from the self (with a small s) to the Self (with a big S), the Observer (or your Soul, if you are comfortable with that?

Which was another belief system I changed by moving to a new perspective – though not logical was a powerful new perspective of trust and optimism, as I began to believe in things that I couldn’t scientifically see or prove – yet might still be true!

Like forgiving a person, not because of what they did, but just because I didn’t want that horrible story in my head anymore!”

Or bearing my soul and making myself vulnerable in these videos, trying new things for no other reason than to see what might happen, living my own life rather than being told what to do!”

When I had my mental illness problems, the only person sabotaging my recovery was me, though I was blaming life, my parents, biology, and everybody else!

I needed them to change for me to recover, not knowing that changing my perspectives and taking responsibility for myself was the path to freedom.

The only person (or thing) stopping your recovery is YOU!

Or should I say your self with the little (s), your ego, your little eight-year-old, your animal protective personality and all of your old programming which clings to that old identity of yourself and what your mind believes to be true!

And, as I keep saying, anxiety is a learned behaviour – and you can learn to accept it and rise above it.

It’s what top athletes pay money to learn and spend hours practising to condition their minds and bodies into calmness, so they can perform in front of thousands of people, be interviewed on television and handle all that pressure.

They do what I am teaching you; they believe in themselves, envision themselves winning, talk themselves into their intentions with love, positivity, and optimism, and disregard any happenings that are not in line with their purpose.

I heard the motor racing driver Lewis Hamilton’s personal trainer say, “it’s my job to facilitate everything around him, so on a race weekend, he doesn’t have to think or worry about anything except getting the job done.

So, there is a battle between the self (with a little s) who tries to sabotage you by closing you down through fear, doubt and drama, which usually causes an aversion to life.

While the Self (with a capital S) wishes you to be free – able to connect with life, do new things, become more social, find your voice, stand up for yourself and become more attracted to life.

This is why I keep pushing you to write down what you want from your life? Forget about whether it is possible or not – just ask yourself these types of questions;

Are you being who you want to be?

Where do you want to live?

What do you love doing?

What do you want to stop doing?

What sort of people do you like socialising with? What is the creative superpower you aren’t using or haven’t discovered yet?

I’m amazed at how many people can paint, sew, write, sing, dance, play musical instruments, build things, fix things, grow things – yet don’t find ways to make those activities they love the centre of their life.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the theatre to watch a comedy performance by Nina Conti and her ventriloquist puppet called Monkey; the show was outrageously cheeky, funny and entertaining.

The performance included lots of audience participation, mocking and embarrassing the front rows, and inviting people onto the stage to join in with the playfulness.

What interested me was watching the varied behaviours of the audience.

Some tried to make themselves smaller, shrinking so they wouldn’t be noticed or asked a question, and those who grew, puffed up as they were attracted to (and wanted) that interaction, they wanted to be picked, as to them, it was exciting.

From an energy perspective, it was as if one group were slowing down their energetic frequency and reigning in their energetic field. The others raised their frequency and expanded it to interact with and influence Nina’s energy field towards influencing her to choose them.

I think this perspective is worth exploring; how you are currently energetically interacting with life really matters!

The more you engage with life at a higher frequency, and the more you are attracted to the world (rather than remain fearfully adverse), will undoubtedly affect the outcomes of your life.

Are you complaining, or are you smilingly telling a joke? Are you pessimistic or optimistic? Do you get caught up in drama and gossip, or do you rise above it?

These very different perspectives reveal new truths and affect the energy signatures you emit, and those around you unconsciously read, then respond to with their unconscious intuition and actions.

Both groups of people are in the same objective environment but were having completely different subjective experiences, wanting different outcomes and sharing different emotions.

And I’m just telling you this because – if you want to expand your behaviours and when you are ready to step outside your comfort zone, it helps to consider how other people think and behave so you can copy them.

Now, because Nina is clever (and emotionally intelligent), she chatted with the audience, sorting through them until she found the right person she wanted to come up onto the stage, who could be influenced into performing in specific ways to fulfil her intentions for a successful show.

A shy settler type person may be too closed down. A dominant warrior may be too controlling. And perhaps, a nomad may be too wild and unpredictable.

As it turned out, Nina chose a person I would call a complex personality – she was a young woman who was introverted but not too shy. She was self- conscious but could be nudged into behaving a bit more extrovertedly because she was a pleaser.

Still, most importantly, she had a repressed nomadic playfulness that Nina had noticed from one of her earlier responses.

It took a bit of coaxing, but Nina talked the woman into coming up onto the stage, where initially she was nervous, then calmed down, then slowly started to enjoy herself, came out of her shell, became more and more cheeky and funny – and she stole the show, she was brilliant.

She’d experienced the best exposure therapy session of her life – by accepting her fears and discomfort up on the stage! She felt vulnerable but still took action, and to the audience, it looked courageous!

Now I don’t know if this is true, but I could imagine the woman learned more about herself and grew emotionally in that twenty-minute routine than spending ten hours with a therapist.

It was a deep dive exposure therapy – and I think she came out the other side a stronger person.

How did she gain that growth – by not listening to the stories in her head – and stepping out into life, trying something new! She unknowingly let go of the negative energy of fear and switched to the positive and higher frequency energy of excitement, and she was magnificent!

The audience thought she was courageous and competent. Her world didn’t end, and she learned to laugh at herself through taking a chance and accessing her repressed playfulness.

I watched Nina being interviewed on tv, and she said something like being a ventriloquist had allowed her to let her naughty and playful side out, via the

anonymity of using the mask of the puppet – which she had found hard to do as a child, but has now become comfortable with.

Once again, another excellent example of exposure therapy in action.

The more we do the things that scare us (and keep out of the mind’s story of what it thinks will happen or is true), the easier those actions become, making us a more competent and calm individual.

OK, back to the point of this video. In my many years working as a therapist, the same few sabotaging patterns keep repeating themselves with people with complex personalities experiencing complex anxiety, which is the new word we will use to replace the old unhelpful and out of date label of OCD.

And I’d like to share these sabotage patterns with you to keep an eye open for the ones you might be unconsciously performing that cause fear and procrastination.

The first group become so fixated with the course that it becomes their whole world, listening repeatedly and trying to figure out every last nuance of what I am saying and perhaps even worrying that they may not be doing it correctly.

They may exhaust themselves trying to do everything perfectly, but what’s happening is a form of sabotage; they are just transferring their old obsessions to become obsessed with this new topic of focus and are still distracted from getting on with life and taking action.

Like individuals who take course after course readying themselves for action in the world, but haven’t noticed that taking these courses is how they sabotage and procrastinate from getting on with life!

We will never have all the knowledge or experience the mind thinks we need – and ironically, we will get that experience by going out and doing the task, failing a few times and then getting better!

The next group are those whose belief systems get triggered, like the chap I mentioned earlier who kept exiting the course and then returning.

To him, my work wasn’t in line with his beliefs that OCD was genetic, so untreatable; therefore, my work was assumed to be wrong, so not even given a try.

Many of these belief systems are based on religion, culture, family values and personal beliefs, like I’m not funny, clever, social, tall enough, handsome enough and all those not enough stories.

A good example of this is a friend of mine, a woman who had been single for fifteen years and who had developed a story (or belief system) that she was happy being single as her life was whole and fulfilled through her job, friends and pet dog.

She was not looking for a relationship; however, by chance, she met a man, who turned out to be Mr Right; she fell head over heels in love.

She then married for the first time at sixty years old, reengaged with her very feminine and playful side and is now unbelievably happy.

It also brought a new perspective to her life, as she never had children but was now part of his new family of children and grandchildren, which she adores and enriches her world.

My point is – be careful that you don’t have a story about yourself that may be restrictive, false or keeping you closed to change.

The next group are my favourite; these are people who understand what I am saying intellectually but (sabotage themselves) by not applying it.

A woman last week was telling me about a recent panic attack meltdown in a shop. I said, “which technique of mine did you immediately jump to to calm yourself down? She sheepishly said, “I wanted to do that tapping thing but couldn’t remember how to do it in that moment!”

So, it’s one thing consciously learning these things, but quite another doing them whilst you are calm or practising on small scary things until they become unconscious and habitual.

These individuals understand how exposure therapy works but sabotage themselves out of actually doing it.

As I keep saying, consciously knowing it makes no difference, it’s by repeatedly doing the exposure that retrains the unconscious mind and body – I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it works!

These people tend to stop watching the videos once they understand the basics – but don’t do the repetition or exposure work.

The next group are people whose lives are just too busy and exhausting, like doctors, carers and other friendly people who find it hard to say no, or feel they have to look after everybody else before themselves – empaths and sensitive people.

In these cases, I might argue that your emotional exhaustion and subsequent sabotaging anxiety is probably appropriate because you are doing too much!

We might argue that their anxiety is justified and the body telling you that something has to change!

Suppose you are working eighty hours a week, working rotating shifts or doing the work of three people. In that case, something has to give – be that quitting your job, changing the attitudes you use within your job or talking to your employer about ways to mitigate your workload.

The next group are those who become sabotaged by their families. Because, as you change, they don’t know how to interact with you, as their virtual reality story of you is not matching, and it may take a while for them to see your new behaviours before it updates and feels normal to them.

As I discussed in video seven, most anxiety is trained into people by their families (it’s environmental) rather than being a genetic disposition.

Therefore, it’s not surprising that any existing reassurance you get may come from another anxious person’s perspective (which might not help you grow).

Or, as you change, they may not like what you say or who you are becoming as it is new to them and (sadly) so many people fear change – when change is the only thing that will always happen in the end.

People tell me that, as they begin to stand up for themselves, ask for what they want and put themselves first. Some family members don’t like it and unknowingly sabotage them.

They say things like, “well, you used to be more caring”, or “why are you becoming more selfish and thoughtless?” Or “you know our family doesn’t do it that way!” As they try to use guilt or fear to pull you back into the old- established family, religious or cultural behaviours.

These invisible energy ties can be potent and need to be pushed through – as you decide to do the right thing for yourself.

You might say, “listen, I know my new behaviours may worry you, but I need to break free from my anxiety, and I wish to do that with your support, rather than having to move away from you to do this – or lie to you.”

The next group is quite subtle; a person’s anxiety and exhaustion are often heightened through a relationship, be that romantic or business, where the other party restricts how you wish to live your life.

Like a nomadic character reigning in their fun, adventurous and journeying nature to please a homely, quiet and settler type spouse.

They may be limiting those natural behaviours out of love for that other person; however, where does all that pent up nomadic energy, which needs expression go?

It turns inwards, usually with health anxiety, depression, contamination issues, a fear of travel, and avoiding stepping out to do new things.

This is ironic but unconsciously logical – because if they did go back to their nomadic ways, it might end that relationship.

Remember, in about ten per cent of anxiety cases; the problem is boredom; some warrior and nomad types get anxious when they are bored – when not enough is happening around them and to them!

The next group is those individuals caught in the secondary gain trap, where, sadly, it’s easier to be burdened with the discomfort of the existing predicament than taking action to recover.

For example, they may lose housing or living benefits or need to get a job but only have limited work experience or may earn less money from working than they currently receive in benefits.

For this group – I don’t know what the answer is! However, it’s my experience that they don’t usually come this far into the course; they would have been sabotaged out of it by now.

Because sometimes, the cold truth is hard to bear, and the ego may protect that person by hiding it with an abdication of responsibility victim or blame cover story.

The last group are those with an ailment that is being used as an excuse to avoid stepping out and taking action, rather than being accepted, embraced, and the old identification surrendered for a new, more positive and loving story.

These may include; light autism, dyslexia, various physical disabilities, body dysmorphia, or just not liking your body, eating disorders, obesity or feeling too tall, too small or being bald – or whatever your thing is.

As I have said a few times, I’m small, 5′ 2″, that’s 1.58m. When I was young, this made me feel very self-conscious and affected my life considerably.

But, these days, I love it, it is not a problem, but nothing changed except my attitude; I accepted it and decided to love myself no matter what.

Why would I be horrible to myself? But nobody taught me back then you could be nice to yourself. I had to find out for myself, and it was a shame it took until I was in my late thirties to figure it out! But I am glad I did!

I have to keep reminding people that I didn’t even learn any of this knowledge or escape my anxiety until I was in my late thirties – so anybody doing this work who’s younger than thirty-nine already has a head start on me!

When I was a teenager, I was madly in love with a girl but was so socially awkward and self-conscious that (though I hung around with her) I never told her how I felt or tried to become her boyfriend; eventually, she got a boyfriend, and that was that.

Then, by chance, in my thirties, I bumped into her at a wedding, and she told me that when we were teenagers, she had a massive crush on me but was too shy to tell me!

You could say, “that’s very ironic”, but you could also say, “Shit, what a missed opportunity to learn about love and a terrible waste of the limited and precious time we have on this planet, in this body!”

Back then, the opportunity was there – yet my ego talked me out of it rather than into it!

How can we recognise when this begins to happen, then override it with the right action for your best experience of life in the long run?

I’m not sure what the point I am trying to make is, except if there is something you want, at least take some steps to try and make it happen, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

And don’t settle for the first response you get; keep trying new techniques from differing perspectives to see what happens and ensure you put a lot of effort into your intentions.

But don’t let what your ego thinks is true talk you out of taking action; we want to develop a conscious inner dialogue that optimistically and positively talks you into interacting with life, regardless of its truth.

If we jump back to my teenage crush.

The truth was, we both liked each other.

The truth was we both thought the other didn’t.

The truth was, she would have responded positively to me approaching her.

The truth was I didn’t.

The truth was we were just both shy.

The truth was if we had ignored that shyness, a positive connection may have formed.

The truth is… There is no truth – just lots of different stories based on many different perspectives and positionalities.

Truth can be so subjective; what is true to me might not be true to you, so try everything and then you’ll know if it works or not.

A few weeks ago, a young man working through this course contacted me to tell me about one of his significant breakthroughs.

He said that as hard as it was due to his crippling social anxiety, he walked up to a woman, said, “You look great today; I love what you are wearing, and I just wanted to say hello.”

She smiled and said thank you – they ended up chatting for twenty minutes, and he even ended up with her number.

All his ego’s old virtual reality stories (and belief systems) of being rejected or not good enough were proved to be untruthful and completely wrong in this particular interaction. How could they have possibly known what might happen? They are just guesses, but the trap is they feel like the truth, but they are not; they are just your old programming!

Equally, the woman he spoke to might have responded differently; perhaps if she had a landmine from some past trauma, she might have said, “Who are you? It’s none of your business what I am wearing!”

On another day, that same woman may have been in a rush or stressed out, and she may have brushed him off.

My point is, how people respond in any moment is not necessarily down to you; try not to take it personally, but keep trying, don’t let negative responses stop you, and stop giving any response any meaning.

So, now we are much deeper into the course, and you have all this new information, I think it’s worth outlining one of the biggest traps that people seem to fall foul of.

And that is, still seeing anxiety (or more specifically OCD) as the problem, rather than zooming out and recognising it – as the symptom of your underlying anxiety.

And not only anxiety but also worry, mental catastrophising, exhaustion, the brain’s conditioning, boredom, loneliness, anger, low self-esteem, and your deep state of programming from the external world.

If we flip back to OCD, or should I say complex anxiety?

Do you want to be run by your little eight-year-old (or self with a little s) who sees itself as “a thinking creature trying to control your emotions” – therefore trying to talk you out of living an exciting life using fear, worry and pessimism?

Or would you prefer to operate from the Self (with a capital S) who consciously, lovingly and optimistically talks you into living your purpose? This comes from a more courageous and active life, full of emotional ups and downs – which is OK because we are emotional creatures who learned to think, and how we think can be modified!

Which of these perspectives do you want to be the primary voice in your head?

As I keep saying, calmness is an inside job; only you can fix yourself by thinking and acting like somebody else repeatedly until those thinking and behaving patterns have woven themselves into the brains circuitry and become your operating system and new unconscious responses.

OCD unconscious sabotage and the need for reassurance which form a co-dependency

Therefore, the big question that arises is?

Who is the somebody else whose thoughts and behaviour patterns you will copy? To create the new you, you’d like to become but don’t yet believe you can be?

Therefore, who you receive your reassurance from matters enormously; however, this usually comes from the person involved in your initial programming, like your mother or somebody who cares about you like your partner.

They try to calm you down rather than talking you into moving towards the problem or sitting with the discomfort, which is the exposure model we know works so well.

Whereas, if the person was to say, “don’t be so silly, that will never happen, you are just doing drama.” That is a far more truthful statement, which shows the sufferer there are other ways of looking at life and encouraging them to take responsibility for letting go of control in that moment.

So, let’s explore some typical complex anxiety scenarios and compare receiving reassurance – or opposingly allowing yourself to be exposed to that fear and changing your story about it.

The anxious person might say, “I think my car may have hit someone whilst driving home from work – do you think I should drive back and check?”

And the reassuring person might say, “Don’t worry, I’m sure you didn’t, it’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.”

However, this leaves the door open for more what-if questions like, “yes, but what if I did and somebody took my number, and they report me for doing a hit and run?”

Whilst, from the other end of the spectrum, the response might be, “don’t be childish, you’d know if you hit a person!” let me help you sit with this discomfort so the anxious energy can escape?

We can do some conscious placebo routines – such as, “I surrender to those old thoughts – I am a safe driver – driving offers me freedom.”

Can you see that common sense prevails because the opportunity for ‘what-if’ ruminations is restricted, plus the anxious person is hearing the truth of how another person sees the world?

Obviously, the person with OCD will not like this – but that is the point; we are moving to sitting with the anxiety rather than doing the compulsion to relieve the stress.

The more we try to meet an anxious person at their worldview, the more they think their view is standard, and ours is similar.

That’s why I never try to reassure an anxious person. I just tell them my perspective on that point, I do help them to calm them down through breathing, tapping, placebo and the like, but I won’t reassure them on their OCD perspectives or unhelpful beliefs.

Let me give you an example; I was recently working with a man in his twenties who was living at home with his mother, and he said, “I am too scared to leave the house, because I may get infected and pass that onto my mum who may die.”

And he had drastically limited venturing outdoors to absolute necessities; when he returned, he had to shower, wash his clothes and perform a set of routines to calm himself down and keep his mother safe and alive.

I asked him does your mum know about this? And he said, “Yes.”

So I asked how she reassured him, and he said, “She says, don’t worry, as long as you take precautions, we’ll be fine.”

But something didn’t feel right to me, so I said, “Does she know that you are doing all these things so that she doesn’t catch it and die? That you are taking responsibility for her being alive?”

And he thought for a moment and said, “Well, not directly, I just say that – out there feels contagious, and I want us to be safe.”

So, I changed the perspective and asked if his mother was in the house (because we were on a video conference call); he said she was, so I asked if I could speak with her.

He nervously went off to get her – and when she sat down – we had a little chat, then I asked her, “Did you know that your sons greatest fear is that he will infect you and you will die?”

She was pretty shocked and said, “No, I thought he was petrified of becoming infected and, so I have been reassuring him that he will be fine if he takes sensible precautions.”

She looked at him and said, “Is that true? You are doing all of this to yourself, so I don’t die?” And he sheepishly (but truthfully) said. “Yes.”

And she laughed and said, “Surely, you should only worry to the degree that I worry, and take precautions only to the degree that I take precautions myself – otherwise, your actions are a waste of time?”

She then became more truthful (see there’s that word again) and said, “Actually, I’ve been meeting up with friends to go shopping and having lunch, but not telling you, as I didn’t want to make your anxiety worse!”

Then they both laughed, then burst into tears as that trapped trauma and frustration they had been holding down suddenly began to release.

We agreed on a plan where he only needed to protect her, to the degree that she protected herself. And he let go of taking responsibility for her health, just his own.

Soon after this, they went out for lunch together because the story had been changed.

So my advice to those who support a person with anxiety or OCD is, don’t reassure them, but do help to calm them down and see to the problem from new perspectives.

I worked with a man who had an OCD (Ooops, sorry, complex anxiety) fixation with his oven and cooking hob.

He had to keep checking it was off, often getting up in the night to check – and occasionally (when he was super stressed) couldn’t go to work as the fear and urge to check was so prevalent.

The hob was gas and the oven electric, and he was consistently looking for reassurance from his wife (who would often have to check it herself to calm him

down, even though ten minutes later he would need to recheck it as he was fearful and anxious.

To me, this infers that he trusts her one moment but not the next, so this perspective of trust was being flipped back and forth and used as a stick to keep prodding the same old problem.

A quick note here – stop looking for the feeling of completion in your body; this is a trap; it’s not the truth of anything.

We are learning to trust ourselves and life by optimistically trusting, letting go of control, ignoring thoughts and becoming more comfortable with emotional discomfort until it is no longer uncomfortable.

Now, if we pause here for a second, step back, take a snapshot of the situation and then move to a new perspective – it might look like this.

His wife, who is his primary source of reassurance – is very aware you can leave a gas hob on all night if you wish.

She knows that some people use the gas hob as a heat source for their kitchen in winter; she knows that it’s not checking that the cooker is off that is the problem; it’s checking if anything flammable is within reach of the flame which is the sensible precaution.

She knows you can leave a cooker or stove on for days without any issues; that’s what they are designed to do. She knows that if there was food in the cooker

and it was burning, or gas was escaping, the alert from the fire detector would warn of the problem, which safely precedes any actual danger.

Therefore, in a common-sense way of thinking, checking the fire detectors is probably more important than checking if the cooker is off.

She knows that in many third world countries, people live in highly flammable shacks, tents or wooden huts with a great big fire in the middle that burns all night while they sleep – and those families seem to be OK.

She knows that there never was a fire from an unattended cooker in her life – except that deep fat frying pan fire back in 1987, which she extinguished with a wet tea towel, which was a cooking problem, not a cooker being left on problem!

She knows that children learn faster and better by making mistakes, like burning their fingers, rather than being shouted at (and thus programmed) to stay away from potentially dangerous objects (or engaging with life) by anxious and fearful parents.

But, that wasn’t what she was saying to him; she was meeting him at his erroneous perspective, saying things like, you know it’s off as you checked it. You know you checked it because you took a photograph of the dials. We’d be able to smell the gas if it was on.

She is not challenging him to see it differently and to learn to sit with the discomfort – which is the exposure therapy I keep talking about and will keep talking about!

If we go to an extreme view – if, on day one of his anxiety, when he said, “I need to go back and recheck the stove is off – she had said, “Stop being childish, it doesn’t matter, come to bed, I don’t want to live with a worry guts – have a little trust and faith in yourself.” Perhaps, his complex anxiety might have struggled to get a grip and worm its way into that particular form of sabotage?

Because as I keep saying, whatever thoughts you run the most (or are exposed to the most) become the ones that program your unconscious mind – regardless of their truth and regardless of whether they serve your wellbeing or not – and that’s a fact!

So, as you begin to stand up to your complex anxiety, it is helpful to work closely with the person who reassures making sure they are helping you change your story, not just helping you get through that moment.

A few years back, a woman came to see me as she wanted to overcome her

complex anxiety based on her fear of becoming ill – a cross between hypochondria (which is health anxiety) and emetophobia, a fear of vomiting.

She had worked herself up into such a state that just taking her child to school was a traumatic experience, as she was scared of getting bugs from the other children at the school, walking on roads where there may be discarded tissues, rejected bandaids or even cigarette butts that had saliva and therefore who knows what other germs lurking ready to infect her and make her ill?

As she returned from the school run, she had to change out of her outside clothes, wipe down her and her children’s shoes and coats (and store them

outside of the house and then thoroughly disinfect her hands by washing them a certain number of times until she “felt” clean.

Once again, remember this ‘feeling of clean’ is an OCD trap and not a real thing!

The underlying problem is likely past trauma, likely stemming from the death of a loved one, childhood hospitalisation experiences, or disgust and shame from childhood experiences – be they consciously remembered or not.

This un-itchable itch – the fear of contamination, the hypochondria or the inability to feel clean is trapped in the atomic energy battery (video nine) and needs venting out.

This is achieved through doing that which causes you fear on purpose, to trigger the anxiety response, which you surrender to as that explosion of anxiety and energy comes up.

Stored potential energy, releasing as kinetic energy through the agitation of matter as I detailed in video fifteen part b.

It will feel bad, but it’s a beautiful thing – because, without that stuck energy in your body, your compulsions (which keep it all held down) will no longer be necessary!

And that un-itchable itch will be gone, the exhausting energy required to hold it all down will become redundant, thus available for use positively on your intentions, and all you’ll be left with are some easily modified destructive habits.

Going back to the lady with health anxiety, she had to disinfect her children’s toys daily and tried to keep them away from parties and sleepovers to keep them safe from catching something.

Very few friends and family visited her as they had to go through a whole raft of procedures to come into the house – and she rarely visited them.

She never drank alcohol in case it made her vomit. She was meticulous about the sell-by date on foods and had all foods cooked thoroughly to stop any chance of food poisoning.

She was exhausted, her kids were becoming scared like her too, copying her habits, and her husband was at his wit’s end because of how dominant she was, forcing him to comply with her routines or having a complete anxiety meltdown.

In fact, the reason she came to see me was that she knew he couldn’t handle it much longer; he was unhappy and was on the brink of leaving (or having a breakdown himself).

Her primary source of reassurance was from her mother, who lived in the next street and would come over each day to help her calm her down.

She would listen to her mother because she reassured her, but not her husband, who would say what you are doing is over the top, please stop making our children fearful like you, and this is driving a big wedge between us.

But it was her mother’s experiences and fearful perspectives which had initially been the cause of her developing anxiety. Her mother was hospitalised and nearly died of cancer when she the woman was eight years old.

Upon her release from the hospital, the family had to keep her in a stricter than normal clean environment.

It made sense consciously that the effect of that trauma was deeply unconsciously ingrained in the woman, still running her scary stories and the childlike perspectives she acted from.

And no matter how much reassurance she received consciously, the unconscious programming was not listening and still in control!

Knowing all this – I had to shake her view of the world; otherwise, change would never be possible or would only come through hitting rock bottom, like her husband leaving and her having to face life in new ways.

When she arrived at my office – which is in my home, she said shall I take my shoes off and I deliberately said, “no, I’d rather you didn’t as I don’t want people’s stinky feet touching my floors.”

She said, “But, I would rather do it”, and I said, “I’d rather you didn’t.”

One thing to understand about OCD is that it makes the person very dominant and controlling, though they feel like a victim and out of control.

I didn’t want to be controlled by her; I wanted to kick back and change the power dynamic.

Before she sat in my chair, she said, “was it wiped down since the last person?” And I said, “no, I didn’t do that, just like trains, buses and taxi’s don’t either – but if she wanted to wipe it down she could, but to not damage the leather as it was an expensive chair.”

She paused for a second, then sat down. I said, “do you wipe your car seats down after each journey?” And she said, “No.” So I asked her, “Why?” and she said, “I don’t know?”

All I was doing was challenging her to do something different and making her behaviour seem out of balance with another person’s perceived concept of normal.

She said, “are you normally this blunt, controlling and direct?” To which I replied, “Only with people who want to escape the grip of complex anxiety!

And for them to see how dominant and controlling they are when their complex anxiety is in the driving seat.

By now, she was getting quite frustrated and anxious, so I taught her the tapping exercise shown in video eight. She was pretty surprised how effective it was at breaking the story in her head, turning or the sympathetic anxiety response and invoking the parasympathetic calming down response.

Though she had watched the video, she’d never tried it because it made her feel silly – I asked if she felt silly having a meltdown about people coming into her house, and she said – yes!

Then she said – OK, I can see the point you are trying to make.

I then asked her what complex anxiety fears were running around in her mind, and she said, “Because I still have my shoes on, I may infect you with some germs that might make you ill.”

I said, “I am OK with germs as they keep my immune system working well, and that if I lived in a sterile environment, my immune system would become compromised, and I didn’t want that as health, and my freedom is important to me.

Plus, it was not her responsibility to keep me safe, that was mine, and my definition of safe was different from hers.

My definition of safe was being able to interact with life, trust my immunity, make my partner’s life happy and program my children (as best I could) to be free from unnecessary anxiety and worry.

I said, if a bug is going around, I would want to get it (and for my children to catch it, so they developed the natural immunity that comes from fighting it off).

I said that if my body needed to vomit, I would be happy as that was natures way of protecting me, by the body evacuating what is unhealthy for me – and I trusted my biology to do that, as I couldn’t consciously know what was happening inside me.

And though it was a horrible experience, I chose not to make a drama about something which is a natural and life-saving bodily function.

After a while, she said, “I don’t think this is working; you are not helping me; you are just belittling everything I do.”

I said, “I am not belittling you, just demonstrating that there are many ways to look at any problem – and I asked her what she wanted from me?”

And she said, “Show me how to manage this?”

To which I replied, “do you want to manage it or to live your life completely differently? Because these are two very different strategies!”

Currently, you are avoiding life, expecting the worst thing to happen and exhausting yourself.

Whereas, it might be more prudent to release that trapped trauma then, accept life, copy strategies that calmer, more trusting people adopt and to seek a more realistic form of reassurance?”

She could see her strategies were trying to manage it rather than to get over it!

To cut a long story short – I got the husband involved, we all agreed that although her fears were her truth, they weren’t the only truth – and her truth was in the minority, plus she didn’t want her children to have those beliefs too.

She could see that looking to her mother for reassurance was keeping her stuck as her mother had a similar set of beliefs.

So we all agreed that she would stop looking to her mother for reassurance; she would talk to her husband.

They agreed that he would remind her of what a ‘normal’ response might be in those anxious moments and that releasing trapped trauma was a positive action.

He also worked from home for two weeks to be there for her to help implement that strategy and update her brains Reticular Activating System with the appropriate new messages as I teach in video eighteen.

She’s now doing well and seeing life differently; importantly, she has halted (and reversed) the anxious programming of her children back to something more appropriate as they have seen her change and are copying her new behaviours.

The relationship with her husband is back on track again, where now her wanting him to be happy is a more significant driver than her trying to avoid her emotions – which now she can sit with.

So, in summary, exposure and response therapy is absolutely the best method for interrupting complex anxiety and training yourself not to fear – fear!

For a recap of my ERP techniques, go back to video twenty-five at about the 26:00 minute mark, where I outline them.

Practice the exposure routines whilst you are calm or test them on small worries, so you’ll habitually know what to do when the big ones come.

Ensure that who you go to for your reassurance is helping you to recover (which may feel bad, but you know it is the most loving thing they can do for you!)

Ask yourself, do I need to engage with a new person who can be strong enough to guide me correctly, or do I need to get the person who currently reassures me to watch these videos so they will know what to do and how to do it?

And notice that if you don’t take these actions, you will again be sabotaging your recovery!

Then, from the list of sabotaging methods, I listed earlier, which of them might your complex anxiety be using to sabotage your growth?

And finally, observe how your ego sees the truth and how confining that might be? How can you be open to new perspectives, ideas and concepts?

How can you try them out, test them, explore their intricacies despite what the ego thinks? – as this is the path of growth.

We are learning to lean into the fear, ignore the stories, expand our energies and trust ourselves much more.

As ever, thank you for your support.