Changing your story about yourself

I’m John Glanvill, author of The Calmness in Mind Process for overcoming Anxiety, OCD and Depression.

Welcome to video 20 in the Calmness in Mind Series, where today we will change tack completely.

We are going to rebrand ourselves, push a reset button, give ourselves a new image, a new story, a new persona – we are beginning to change our old stories and behaviours, so we can become a new person.

New and improved, calmer, lighter, more aware of who we are and what we want.

And even if we don’t yet know who we really are or what we want – we can still recognise that we are in the change phase, and we do want to change ourselves, so unnecessary anxiety has no role in our life.

We can acknowledge that who we were – wasn’t working very well for us – especially if calmness or happiness signified our measure of success.

If we are going to rebrand, reset, remarket, rebadge, or change ourselves, we need to ask, individually, who am I? What am I?

What labels am I currently using to describe myself, either knowingly or unknowingly? Am I a man, father, son, employer, employee, husband, serious, hardworking, caring, kind, funny, introverted, extroverted, academic, a failure, useless, unlucky, disabled…..

What is the story, I tell myself about me, in my own head, in my thoughts, in my stories about myself? – And which may be reflected back to me, via my actions (or inactions?)

Because as I have been teaching through this series, we are reprogramming our brain with new, more positive concepts, and ideas that will interrupt the old negative patterns we’ve been running for far too long.

So, today we are going to rebrand anxiety and OCD.

You don’t HAVE anxiety or OCD – You are thinking and behaving in anxious or obsessive ways.

As I keep saying, you can’t catch anxiety, we develop it, and we can’t vaccinate against fear because it is a programmed condition of thinking and feeling.

If you hang out with anxious or depressed people for too long, you will start to feel anxious or depressed!

Why?

Because you will start thinking and acting the way they do, you’ll copy their behaviours, you will alter your actions, so you don’t worry them.

And in doing so, you will become different, so your body’s chemical responses will alter, and you will begin to feel different.

Equally, when an anxious person hangs out with braver more confident individuals, they feel a little better. Why? Because they are thinking and behaving in new ways.

It’s like sending a shy little eight-year-old off to cub scout camp for the first time – he’s scared and crying as he gets on the bus – and all proud, courageous and empowered when he comes back.

Nothing has changed – except he hung out with lots of different people, he was inspired to face his fears – to jump in the river, or climb a tree, or sing a song – he was unknowingly encouraged to challenge some of his internal beliefs, about what he thought he could or couldn’t do.

Perhaps, by hanging out with other children, he learned to play more, realised that it was OK to be silly and joke around.

As I said in a previous post, I think the opposite word to OCD is playfulness – just letting go – not having any feelings of responsibility.

Therefore, as part of our rebranding exercise, we will (to the best of our abilities) ban the words – Anxiety and OCD (and even depression) – from the language we use about ourselves – both to others and within our own internal dialogue.

Anxiety, OCD, depression – we will ban those words, outlaw them, banish them, eradicate them, and abolish them from our language.

And here’s why – let me remind you of something I said right at the beginning of this course….

What are the typical behaviours that commonly run through most anxious people?

• They are thinkers
• They are creative
• They are clever
• They care what people think of them
• They feel responsible for others
• And they have complex personalities
  If we did dig deeper looking for common traits, we find patterns such as;

• They often use logical thought processes
• They don’t accept failure easily
• They may upset people with their blunt opinions
• Their thoughts may be intrusive and overwhelming
• They look at the world from an idealists perspective and can become upset by
  unfairness
• They find it hard to work in a team
• They find it difficult to easily express their creativity
  This combination of traits cause them to worry, which stresses their biology, which causes fear, and sometimes drags them down into worry, exhaustion and depression.
  So the real problem is… They have complex personalities – and those complex personalities cause a lot of inner conflicts.
  Which then, become the symptoms are anxiety, OCD and depression, the real problem is; they have a complex personality!
  The Warrior, the Settler and the Nomad all fighting, the introvert and the extrovert struggling to hide or be seen.
  

The intuitive thinker who is scared to say what she thinks, the dominant idealist scared of conflict, the creative artist who hates being judged, the judge who fears speaking her mind.

I could go on all day about these inner battles that a person with a complex personality struggles with – every day.

A complex personality has many inner conflicts – these cause worry, which causes exhaustion, which causes anxiety, which causes OCD, which may spiral down into depression.

So stop saying you are an anxious person. You are a complex personality, unknowingly living in a lot of inner-conflict – and there is an emotional and biological price to pay for that!

Now, that’s a really different narrative, a far more accurate and more honest appraisal of the real core of your problems.

Because, to have a complicated personality means, you can do more than others, your range of abilities has more reach than others, you can go deeper than others, you are more special and unique than others.

These are beautiful skills – if you know how to handle them! If you can separate these many aspects of yourself and use them lovingly and wisely.

In our new internal story – we are moving from identifying ourselves negatively as an anxious person – to acknowledging ourselves, positively as an individual with a complex personality!

I like that, that feels different, that feels more true – because you know you are intelligent, creative, smart, wise you know you are deep, but, it’s just not the story you are telling yourself – is it? Yet.

Do you think a genius has it easy? Has a quiet mind? Feels normal? I doubt it.

I recently watched a documentary about Elon Musk. He said that sometimes he wished he wasn’t himself, as it was so demanding, too many ideas, too many conflicts, and too many decisions to make…

Do you think an Olympic champion is obsessive about their dreams and their goals – yes? Is that quite unique, yes, will that be hard for them, yes?

But that’s all OK – because they have a complex personality.

I have a complex and multi-faceted personality. It took me years to realise and learn how to use all the many characters’ varied skills within my complex nature.

Over time I have learned how to access the right character, to suit my needs at any moment, and dependant on the outcomes, I require in that instant.

And all those facets of myself are now a team, they come out one at a time, work together, trust each other, and stay out of internal conflict.

They work for me, they are all there to help me, not themselves.

Let me share with you some examples from myself. As I have said before, I am primarily an introvert, but I also have a strong extrovert.

I am fiercely independent, yet want social intimacy, I am very intuitive, yet don’t want to get involved in other peoples problems.

I am not driven by money but need money to realise my goals, I have quite an addictive nature – but at the same time, I have healthy self-control levels.

I care deeply about many things but can detach almost completely about others.

I love to create and be active, yet can easily sit around and do nothing all day.

I love to learn – but hate structured learning processes like Universities.

Then there is the ‘me’ I am sharing with you in this course and the ‘me’ I share with my friends.

I could go on all day about all the many complex and unique sides of me, that when combined, make the whole of who I am.

But in the past, back when I had my anxiety, it never even entered my head to think that I was a complex personality, I just tried to be who I thought I should be, which, of course, was my programming, my values and the beliefs I had about myself.

About ten years ago, I broke some bones in my foot while walking out in nature, on the penultimate day of a meditation retreat abroad.

I fell down some steps, and all the people there fussed around me and were all trying to help me, but I just shooed them all away saying I was OK and that I didn’t need any help.

We were about 400 yards from an exit where a taxi could take me back to the hotel.

So, I told the group that I would go back to the hotel and carry on without me. However, many people said, “I’ll come back with you, I can help you.”

And I said, “No, no, I’ll be fine, I can just about hobble back – I didn’t know then that my foot was broken, just that it was injured.

With that, one big guy just picked me up and said: “I’ll carry you over there.”

With that action, I had a tremendous emotional response and said: “Put me down, put me down.”

Looking back on it, my ego had fired off, a land mine had been triggered with an old story of independence, not looking manly by being carried by another man – or some other helplessness story from the past.

Who knows? But there was an emotional reaction.

And he put me down, then, rather than feeling insulted he so cleverly said, “Sorry John, I should have asked you first! Perhaps, I can support you as we walk over to the taxi’s?”

What an emotionally advanced person, he tried to help, he didn’t take my reaction personally, he found another way to help that worked for me, and he didn’t judge me.

He could see that an old ego wound had been triggered, a land mine had gone off (video 15) – that a cover story was running (video 14).

But, of course, this was why we were on that retreat, so we could grow – so we could become calmer and more aware of our complex personalities.

Later that night, the leader of the retreat was talking to me over a beer and said, “John, I think you have a belief system that you are unaware of?”

I said, “You know I’ve done a lot of work on myself, and I think I found all my big beliefs, so I’ll be surprised if I have missed one.”

And he said, “You don’t let people help you!”

I thought about it for a while, then replied, “This might sound a bit arrogant, but I know that – I don’t actually need much help, I am very good at most things, in fact, the belief is probably that – I don’t really want to burden anybody.”

He smiled and said, “let me ask you another question? Why do like helping other people?”

I said, “Because it makes me feel good.”

To which he replied. “So you are allowed to feel good by helping them, but they are not allowed to feel good by helping you?”

Then, bam, there it was – clear as day, a big conflict, I was helping others, whilst rejecting them at the same time, craving connection but pushing people away, and I was blind to it, unaware of it.

When I told my friends about this realisation – they all just smiled and said – “Yes, we know that!”

Sometimes we miss that which is so evident, because we cling to the old stories we have about ourselves, which were programmed into us during childhood, or were copied from our parents’ behaviours.

When I returned my foot was in plaster for a few weeks, so I decided that every time a person offered help, I would say yes, regardless of whether I needed it or not, or whether it would slow me down, or conclude with an outcome out of my control.

What a fascinating experience! Which revealed clearly to me how independent and controlling I was!

It also taught me that when I did let go, surrendered control, trusted others and accepted help – the world didn’t end, and the experience was often far richer.

These days I am still independent, but I can also be inclusive, take control, or let another lead, can have an elaborate plan of action, or just let life unfold and stay out of its way, can have an opinion or not.

I have a complex personality – but I am no longer in conflict with myself.

I am a multi-faceted human, and I embrace all of my unique personalities, I develop them all – and I befriend them all.

But I only access one at a time – and even if I change them every 30 seconds to suit my needs in any moment – the other characters step back and support me silently in the background, awaiting their turn, for the use of their skills.

So, that’s what this video is about – recognising, becoming familiar with and accepting – you have a complex personality – and learning how to use it wisely and in ways that are more productive and less conflict-ridden.

Turning OCD into PCH – a Perfectly Complex Human
It’s hard to do, it takes a lot of effort – but it’s truly worth it when calmness and

happiness are your intentions.

Now, towards the end of this video, I will teach you what is happening in your brain, and this will show you where you need to place your attention to get change.

Before then, I would like to answer a few questions that keep popping up, and add a few points of view that I think maybe prudent for you to be aware of.

My first observation is about responsibility – most anxious people feel very responsible for the people around them and the outcomes of their actions.

There is nothing wrong with taking responsibility for yourself or your actions, but it’s fruitless looking to take responsibility for the outcomes.

We will never know what will happen until it happens, then we can adjust and respond, that is what life is all about.

Equally, should we take responsibility for another’s person’s life? What they do is their business. We can take responsibility to love them as they are – or help where we can, but we can’t take responsibility for their happiness, that’s up to them.

This often seems problematic for a kind, caring or anxious person, as they feel responsible for other people, but you’re not, it’s a choice.

Even as a carer, you are responsible for what you do, you may be responsible for their comfort, but not what they do, say, or their happiness – that’s up to them.

This is where, this loving but detached, (and silent) phrase comes into play – “This is not my problem” or NMP for short.

For some of the new characters that you are learning to align with, this process is fundamental – to the Warrior, anything not in line with his goals is NMP, (not my problem.)

To the Nomad, who lives in the now, the future is NMP, not my problem. Why? Because we are living in the now!

To the Settler, taking charge of a multi-person situation is NMP, not my problem, leave it up to the Warriors or the Nomads – allow them to take the responsibility, they like it, you don’t.

Saying, ‘this is not my responsibility’ doesn’t necessarily let you off the hook from taking some sort of action – or being there for another person. However, it keeps you from the feeling of guilt, it keeps you emotionally detached, but still present, and of use at that moment.

Your friend’s partner has left them, this is not your problem, it’s their problem. Can you be there for them? Of course you can, but is it your problem? Not really.

Don’t make things your problem, don’t take responsibility for outcomes that are not your problem.

If we take this to an extreme level, we are responsible for doing all we can for our children, but we are not responsible for who they become as adults.

We are not responsible for what they do as adults – That’s not our responsibility, it’s theirs, we can guide them, help them, but ultimately – it’s not our problem unless we choose to make it our problem.

How can you be lovingly detached, their pain is not your pain, unless you take on that pain, but that pain, is not your problem. It doesn’t help if you both are in pain and exhausting your emotional batteries.

To become loving detached is important, especially for those who are empaths or emotionally sensitive. You can still be there for them, but taking responsibility for their feelings is a choice.

Of course, NMP (not my problem) is a silent thing you say in your head, it just reminds you where your responsibility ends, reminds you where you are losing energy by worrying about things you can do nothing about.

And if NMP is a bit too harsh, to begin with, find your own mantra – “I wish them well, I accept their choices, this is not my issue, this is out of my control” find what works for you.

And for many people who have come this far in the course, a new phenomenon begins to emerge, which may cause confusion.

They may start to feel a bit numb, almost as if there were no emotion being expressed at that moment.

There are two ways to look at this; firstly, you are starting to see the world differently, you are looking to not be emotionally hooked by what others say and do.

Plus, you have been working on moving old trained amygdala responses from the dangerous database to the brain’s safe area via the many exposure therapy techniques we have explored.

So not feeling a big emotion is a beautiful change that saves lots of emotional energy, so your battery can recharge.

And just to quickly recap on the exposure techniques – we have explored:

• EFT tapping
• Diaphragmatic breathing
• Exploring cover stories
• Lind mine meditation
• The ‘bring it on’ – technique
• Shuffling your behaviours between Warrior, Settler and Nomad to see what
  resistance comes up.
• My audio meditations
• 
  And the most potent exposure therapy of all – getting on with your life, taking action – addressing what needs to be changed in your life right now – as scary as it may be!
  (pause)
  The second perspective is; are you feeling numb, or is this, in fact, calmness?
  To have no emotion, even though the world around you is stressed – is called calmness – and for many, this is a whole new experience.
  The ability to stay out of the mind’s stories and be detached from any bodily emotions, so you are free to respond, accept or move away from that situation.
  This is calmness, but our old programming says “you ought to feel bad.” Which of course is guilt, self-abuse and something we are learning to let go of.
  There is no story in real calmness, no responsibility, no opinion, no blame, no guilt – all those things are happening, but you, as the Observer can step back and find stillness in that formless part of your energy.
  This is a game-changer. Because it means you can choose what you want to do at any moment, not having to avoid how your body feels, or live up to some programmed belief or feeling of responsibility.
  

And a final thought to go with this.

Can we stop giving our emotions meaning? If you wake up and feel sad, be OK with it. If for some reason you are nervous, that’s fine. Feeling a bit down, it’s just the way it is today.

Stop using your emotions, your feelings, or even pain – as an excuse to not get on with life.

To do that, we need to see what is happening to you from a new perspective.

So, let’s look at how negative anxiety loops operate and why many anxious people are looking in the wrong place to generate effective emotional growth.

A quick caveat here, I am discussing the effects of negative life experiences on our development, and of course, positive life events will, likely, have programmed you in good and healthy ways.

Plus some people go through distressing events, yet their brain finds healthy ways to deal with them, I think it is a little bit of a lucky dip as you are growing up.

So, the development of our brain, and our beliefs seem to follow a pattern like this;

(Switch to animation)

Growing up we were exposed to adverse life experiences (which we may or may not remember) like; rejection, physical, mental or sexual abuse, bullying, illness, sibling rivalry, sibling positionality (were you the eldest, youngest, middle child, adopted?)

And your unconscious responses to these negative happenings could have fallen into the emotional categories of anger, fear, sadness, guilt, shame, rejection and hurt.

And remember, you were just a baby, a young child, where the world didn’t make sense, a place where, how adults behaved was new and unfamiliar.

From a babies perspective, just a mother leaving the room may seem scary, let alone, people shouting or another child getting attention.

Perhaps there was a war going on around you, a parent died, you were uprooted to another country, your parents argued a lot, possibly, you were left alone, or with a minder from a young age? These may have been unconsciously registered as deeply traumatic events?

Can you see how we are going back to that logic of an eight-year-old? We are beginning to see how she set up her reasoning and logic, all those years ago.

So from those Negative Life Experiences – Negative Styles of Thinking would have been formed within your young developing brain, to best make sense of, and handle what was happening to you from those negative life experiences.

Those Negative Thinking Styles that developed (to keep you safe and with the logic of a child) may have included; worry, control, catastrophising, ruminating, denial, distraction, rule-following, pleasing others and the development of hyper-awareness or hypersensitivity.

So, your brain is unconsciously developing coping strategies in response to those events. These become the minds early coping strategies, the initial wiring of your brain, the foundation for how you will unconsciously think as an adult – and the basis of your belief systems.

And by thinking in these ways, and because your body thinks your thoughts are real – it develops Negative Feelings.

Emotions that will (supposedly) keep you safe and move you away from that which your brain has chosen is bad for you, based on your previous experiences.

These Negative Feelings can be listed as; guilt, shame, embarrassment, fear, anxiety, nervousness, self-consciousness, shyness, doubt, not trusting – and a raft of other uncomfortable emotions.

As the cycle continues – our Negative Feelings invoke Negative Physical Symptoms, as we have spent a lot of time discussing in previous videos.

These Negative Feelings fire off the whole fight, flight or freeze cycle, which is normal and healthy when used at the right time.

But this is not the right time, this is an old out of date Negative Thought Pattern, wired into your young brain all those years ago! Kicking off Negative Physical Symptoms!

These may include; heart palpitations, sweating, dizziness, nausea, panic attacks, faintness, shortness of breath and the whole range of physical symptoms I talked about in video 11, making you feel terrible.

Here is the crucial point I am making – from these Negative Physical Symptoms, our brains take us to Avoidance Behaviours.

These are the behaviours that we engage in, consciously or unconsciously (decision or sabotage) to avoid, and prevent us from experiencing those Negative Physical Symptoms.

These avoidance behaviours, we (often unknowingly) use to evade the negative physical symptoms often include; social withdrawal, alcohol, medication, recreational drugs, playing computer games, going to bed late, intellectualisation, excessive education, academic research, becoming a workaholic, excessive food consumption, extreme dieting, obsessive exercise, caring for others, being always on the go.

Or those avoidance behaviours may be through psychological mechanisms, such as; hypochondria, anorexia, bulimia, IBS, chronic fatigue, TMS, OCD compulsions (and thoughts) headaches, or other psychosomatic conditions, which all seem to have a strong association with low self-esteem, guilt and anger. (as we discussed in video 12 and the associated books I recommended you read).

Now, these fixations unconsciously force your attention on a particular subject, to avoid experiencing those negative physical symptoms – even though those mechanisms may not be in your ultimate best interest, or even logically make sense as an adult.

Finally, our current behaviours influence our negative life experiences – thus, we have looped around to step one again!

This is the anxiety, OCD and depression loop, and understanding this is fundamental to unravel your complex personality and better comprehend where it came from.

Can you see what’s happening? You may need to ponder this for a while, rewind and go through this a few times, let it sink in. Perhaps discuss it with your therapist? Share this video with them, I don’t mind.

Now the final point I want to make in this video is to ask the question, “Where do anxious people place most of their attention when trying to fix themselves?”

For most people, the answer is… They try to stop the negative symptoms, or change their unhealthy avoidance behaviours!

Can you see how clearly this is not the most effective course of action, managing the symptoms, rather than changing the problem?

We need to move our focus to change our old Negative Patterns of Thought which are out of date, no longer helpful, as you are now an adult, and not that little eight- year-old anymore.

And in my next video, I will teach you practical steps you can take, to make this happen.

I know it’s a lot to take in, but I promise you it is worth the effort.

(End animation)

So, a summary…

We are changing our story from being an anxious person to PCH, a Perfectly Complex Human.

I’d like you to consider; are you wasting energy by taking responsibility for events out of your control or other peoples emotional states?

Can you adopt a silent internal mantra or saying to remind yourself of this? NMP, not my problem, or perhaps – I accept this is out of my control!

As you grow emotionally, recognise the difference between numbness and calmness. Because as you stop doing drama, stay out of others peoples drama and world events that you can’t change – calmness emerges.

Are you aware of the anxiety loop? Are you focusing your attention where the most significant transformation is available – changing yournegative thought patterns, changing the story of yourself.

And finally, your homework.

In preparation for the next video where I will show you practical steps to change your negative thought patterns, can you consider your life and what you are currently doing?

What adverse life events from your childhood, caused which negative thought processes to develop?

Which kicked off what feelings?

That developed into which negative physical symptoms?

That generated (both consciously or unconscious) which avoidance behaviours?

Play around with it, meditate on it, write them down.

This is the serious part of the course where those who dive in deep will grow enormously.

However, be aware that OCD doesn’t like change, it will kick and scream, it will attempt to sabotage you!

And as the Observer, you watch and smile – then still take action – ignore the emotions – stay out of the old OCD stories.

Keep moving forward into the new you.