Q&A’s including GAD, ADHD, Disassociation and Intuition

I’m John Glanvill, author of The Calmness in Mind Process for overcoming Anxiety, OCD and Depression.

This video is all about answering your common questions.

I would encourage you to watch it, even if you don’t think you have any questions – as often, we don’t know

what we don’t know – and perhaps what we do know may be wrong, though we think it is right!

Or, our existing beliefs may become outdated if we were to change our attitudes – let me give you an example;

I used to think that security came from working for a
corporation, now I see that freedom comes from working for myself.

Though I only answer a handful of direct questions in this video, I have chosen to respond deeply – and I have attempted to weave the responses to many other questions within my answers.

So, the first set of questions are around the topic of depersonalisation and dissociation.

Typical questions are; I feel so separated from myself; how can I ground myself more?

When talking to others, I sometimes zone out, trance out; it is hard to focus on them, what they are saying and what I want to say.

Or things like, I don’t seem to have any emotions; I feel flat or numb.

Or, when I’m triggered, I turn into a different person and behave in ways that I don’t feel are me.

Well, to be honest, I think dissociation is quite natural!

It’s what people who don’t have anxiety unknowingly step into all the time.

If you say to them, “Aren’t you scared to do that thing?” They’ll say, “Well, yeah!” (arm out) – sort of implying that there is a part of them that is scared, but they have detached and are ignoring it.

Can you see that I’m trying to get you to have this same behaviour – only to do it consciously, with awareness, to choose to dissociate?

My metaphor – the horse and the rider – the rider can be calm (your Observer, your Soul), even if the horse (your body, mind and brain) isn’t!

This is disassociation; this is depersonalisation – we are stepping away from the old story of you, who you think you are, who you were trained to be, who you think you ought to be…

The trick is to stop thinking that the mind is you because it is not! You have a mind – you are the Observer of the mind; you are the one listening to the mind.

The mind is of the brain, and the brain is of the body.

You are the Observer.

But to make that transition, you may need a template or a model to follow. – What worked for me was to consciously attempt to divide my mind, my ego into two parts.

The first part I saw as my legacy ego from my old mind/brain/body/horsey – and I called it the “Old Me, Ego-mind” – that part that tried to keep me safe, by avoiding conflict, staying in, being careful, worrying – effectively, it was my little eight-year-old, doubtful, pessimistic, cynical, and the part with all my old anxiety programming and OCD stories.

So, then – I began to consider, to form, to develop, to create another more conscious “New Me Ego-mind “– that would be braver, more honest, more courageous, more practical, more trusting and optimistic – and which had a totally different set of attitudes, a new set of sounds and movements.

These are loosely what I call out-breath sounds and pointy movements.

Mmm, that could be interesting? (Move hands out) Oooh, that looks fun.

Arrghh – I’ve got an idea. Whereas, the Old me ego-mind had more in-breath, sounds and defensive twitchy movements.

Oh, no, stop urgh, I can’t do that, that won’t work – I am exaggerating, but, can you see where I am going with this?

A sharp intake of breath invokes the startle response – and a slow out-breath (breathe) invokes the rest, digest and repair response – the good one, the one that recharges you.

If you are going into action, you want to be tricking the body into as much calmness as possible – and accepting whatever discomfort is left.

The out-breath is the breath of courage – Charge! Stop! Yeah, let’s do that!

So, we are learning to develop a temporary bridging ego that takes us from the mind of the horse (old you) over to the new mind of the rider – who has an adult mindset which is powerful, has optimistic attitudes and life-enhancing positive intentions – that you have chosen to attempt to live up to.

Of course, we are still using our ego, the horse’s ego to do this with – so it’s a game, but a very useful game to play nevertheless.

I hope this is making sense? We are detaching from the concept that you are your mind, that your mind knows what is best for you – or that you even need a mind.

We all know, that in an emergency, we just react, we just do our best, we just instinctively respond, without thinking, because there is no time to think.

Like if you are driving, an incident occurs and you take immediate evasive action, you didn’t think about it, there wasn’t enough time, you just responded.

And if that response was good, the ego steps in and takes credit – how cool am I?

But, if you messed it up and crashed – the ego, tries to separate from that responsibility – by calling you an idiot.

As I mentioned in an earlier video – Einstein famously said something like – “The mind is a poor master, but a very useful servant.”

Can Observer you, orientate your awareness to the mind, when you need to think about something, then when you don’t, place your conscious awareness elsewhere and ignore its unconscious ramblings.

Or another way to look at it is.

Because it is always now, and here’s the next now, next now, next now.

Are the thoughts of the mind about the past, the now or the future? Because only one of those is based in reality.

In every new now (and it is always now), you can be anybody or anything you want to be – and will you be listening to the old ego-mind’s stories – or the new ego- minds stories?

Your past does not have to define who you are or what you do in this now moment. Yet, it is what you do in this now moment that will influence your future, not what you did in the past.

Plus, what you do in this now, will become your future past memories! Can you see how powerful this is?

Let me put it another way – if when you die – the body (your horsey perishes) – and the formless part (the rider, your soul) moves on – in that moment it will detach, depersonalise, disassociate – therefore, why can’t you make that distinction now?

If you are smart, you’ll learn how to hop between both aspects? If you are having sex, you might want to have your awareness inhabiting the body, to get the maximum pleasurable body experience.

If you are in pain – detach your awareness back to the formless Observer – let the pain be the bodies problem, not yours.

So, can you see – that if you are resisting detachment and disassociation – if you are rushing to get back into the body – clinging on to who you think you ought to be – then, perhaps you are limiting your ability to grow?

Now, for those who really zone out, trance out – there is usually (but not exclusively) some sort of past trauma, shock or injury from a severe or life- threatening happening.

And though I am not a fan of labelling things – post-traumatic shock (PTSD) is as good a description as any other for this topic.

It’s as if our unconscious mind, our little eight-year-old, our protective personality ego puts some space between our conscious mind – and the true memory of the story stored in the unconscious mind.

Plus, the pain, repressed anger, and stuck energy from that trauma may be trapped in the body (in the atomic energy battery) compressed, and ready to explode out at any given opportunity (which is actually a good thing) though because it feels like anxiety, anger or rage – we, in error, try everything we can to keep it held down.

I remember a man telling me about an abusive event he

experienced in his childhood, and he said, “Even as it was happening to me, it was as if I had detached so much from my feelings and my body – that I was somebody else watching that thing; happen to that boy!”

It’s as if the unconscious mind says, “That was so horrible, we don’t ever want you to feel that way again, so I will hide the reality of what happened from you (or change the story) and if it seems like a similar situation is happening again, I will just automatically detach you from your body and that pain – just in case.

So the unconscious mind pulls your awareness away from your feelings and into your mind, where you may get hooked into a tranced-out foggy mind; you may not be able to concentrate on what you want to say, or you may react surprisingly by getting angry or becoming submissive or perhaps socially awkward.

Like I keep saying, – your little eight-year-old is stepping in – overwhelming your conscious mind – trying to keep you safe – it pulls you away from life – but is it the right kind of safe for you now as an adult?

Remember how anxiety works, fight, flight or freeze – and of course, here we are discussing variations of the freeze response.

So, if you are experiencing depersonalisation or dissociation, here are my top suggestions.

Firstly, you may have some past trauma that needs working through; perhaps you know about that trauma, or maybe it is unconsciously hidden, as I discuss in video 15, part 2.

And by following that meditative body-work, we can learn to access, then release, that trauma, thus interrupting the mind using dissociation as a safety tool.

Plus, keep an open mind to the concept – that although you consciously think you may have ‘dealt with’ past uncomfortable life issues or accidents – maybe you unconsciously haven’t?

One really good technique for releasing those traumatic memories and stuck energies is EMDR Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing – and I would recommend anybody who has past trauma to find a good practitioner and have a few sessions, as the results are often profound.

Now, if we dig deeper – an interesting question to ask ourselves is…

Could it be that dissociation could be consciously used to enhance the quality of our lives?

For example, during a presentation, might it be more beneficial to not worry about the body’s nerves, by consciously deciding to detach from our feelings and be more aligned with our thoughts?

As I said before – during sex, to be fully engaged with the bodies’ emotions and to utilise the minds’ ability to fantasise, whereby you are learning how to do both simultaneously?

And could we lessen our current fear of feeling depersonalised by practising how to jump from Settler to Warrior to Nomad – thus expanding the repertoire of who we think we are?

For example, it is easier for a Warrior to separate from their emotions, thus enabling them to take action.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you don’t need to get too identified with either your thoughts or your feelings once you have worked through past traumas.

You can choose (consciously) in any moment whether thinking, feeling or taking action is the best for you – regardless of which states the mind and body unconsciously and automatically propose to you.

Now, dissociation commonly brings on social anxiety – due to a fear of what others might think of you if you were to zone out, freeze, get angry or forget what you were talking about.

So, the secret to embracing, then overcoming social anxiety is obviously to stop caring what people think about you! Which if you haven’t discovered by now is a very big part of this course.

Plus, you’ll never really know what they think about you anyway! – What’s important is what you think about yourself!

Now, to do this, two strategies spring to mind; firstly, if (after your settler) your next most dominant character is your Nomad, then use social encounters as a time to be more playful.

For example; if you zone out, don’t say anything and just wait to see how long they wait for you to respond, or how long they keep talking though you are just staring over their shoulder!

If you forget a word, let them fill in that word and keep

them guessing – by saying “no, that’s not it, no, not that one..” until you both start laughing.

Anxiety and OCD tend to make people quite serious, so becoming more playful is a powerful tool for growth.

Secondly, if your Warrior is more available than your Nomad, simply own the situation and be honest.

Say, “My mind’s a bit foggy just now as I have been a bit overworked; if I zone out, just give me a nudge – and – bear with me if I lose my train of thought, just keep reminding me of what I was talking about.”

And there it is, it’s out there, nothing you need to fear or hide from, and if they are a good person, they’ll understand – and if they are not, it doesn’t matter!

Either way, those with social anxiety forget – that it is being with others that is the human need, not being the best speaker or the funniest person in the group, just being part of the group even if it is silently on the periphery.

This course is about becoming a new person who thinks and acts in new ways – therefore, let’s drop the label ‘social anxiety’ and find new words that describe who you wish to become.

And remember, who you are is complex, and due to that – you can be contradictory, it’s OK!

I am an extrovert sometimes and an introvert at other times – perhaps I’m an introverted extrovert?

Large groups of people exhaust me quickly, so I manage my energy, I am happy to jump around from Settler to Nomad to Warrior to suit who I am with, what outcomes I desire and how much energy I have at that moment.

I can choose to be a listener or a talker. I can decide whether, in that moment, I am giving out my energy or protecting it.

So don’t necessarily see disassociation as a bad thing, in fact, as the rider of the horse – you are dissociated, you can be calm even if the body is scared.

You can take action even if the body doesn’t want to, you can still smile and be present, even though the OCD mind has stalled or is buffering!

So much anxiety and OCD is the addiction to monitoring feelings and thoughts, and by doing so, missing out on the chance to experience how life really is at any moment.

Now, I’d like to finish this question with a suggestion and a perspective.

Try to become, the person who volunteers first – offers their services without thinking or goes first in any situation.

Because this will force you to behave in new ways, where you have to think on your feet, accept what is, be out of control and temporarily you will be the centre of attention.

The simplest example of this – is at a meeting, where the leader says, “let’s go around the table and introduce ourselves – who wants to go first?’

Put your hand up, say, “Me!” Then just get it over with, see what comes out if you don’t have time to plan. At worst you’ll bumble, but nobody cares as they are just happy that they didn’t have to go first.

And at best, you’ll surprise yourself with what comes out when you just trust yourself and don’t overthink things – which of course is what I am teaching you to do.

You can then sit back and enjoy everybody else’s discomfort as they worry about what to say, what people will think – and oh my god, she just said what I was going to say blah, blah, blah! It’s really funny.

Acknowledge, too, that by going first, your behaviour will have set up a virtual reality story in the mind of those around you, which will affect how they will interact with you in the future.

“Oh, yeah, she’s the confident one that volunteered first!”

Perhaps see some of your actions in life a little more like removing a sticking plaster – you can rip it off or slowly and go through lots of anticipation, fear and pain – or get it over and done in an instance – one uses lots of energy, the other hardly any!

And my last comment in this section is about our feelings Are we reading too much into them?

You can be sad and cut the grass, you can be happy and cut the grass, or you can be exhausted but still cut the grass.

Or you can sit around waiting until the feeling in your body tells you it is OK to cut the grass – and the story in your mind is in agreement…

This is a trap, the procrastination trap, the OCD trap – and we are breaking those loops via exposure therapy, exposing ourselves to new behaviours – regardless of how it makes us feel.

Your intentions should transcend your thoughts or feelings – this is how you move forward in life as a new calmer person.

And calmness is a funny thing, because as you begin to experience it – it is, in fact, the best environment for your trapped trauma to escape from.

Like when you burst out crying after a massage or your body starts twitching and shaking in the relaxation section at the end of a yoga session.

So you lay down on the bed to relax – and if you get anxious – it might not be anxiety, it could be the wonderful release of your stuck energy! So, accept it and sag down into it, breathe through it – don’t resist it – stay out of the stories – and let it all out.

One former client called me, in a bit of a flap and said, “John, I am really freaking out, I have been getting better and better, but what’s happening now is, my brain keeps turning off and not working – and my body has no feelings, it’s really scary!”

I said, yes, I know, that is called calmness.

And he just burst out laughing – he was thirty-four, and that was the first time he’d experienced calmness since he was about seven – he’d forgotten what it was like, it was a foreign emotion – and one that he had to become readjusted to.

He’d always been bouncing between distracting himself, from his anxiety, and yet checking himself to see how he feels about things – that’s an exhausting loop to reside within.

These are crazy times – and it’s almost as if everybody and everything – are competing to catch our attention, to scare us into doing this or that, and trying to leech every last drop of energy out of us…

But, when you step back, detach, dissociate – breath out – it can be alright on the inside – it can feel like nothing, and I think that is OK.

From this base point of ‘no feeling’ – which uses no energy – you can go to happiness or fear – and fear isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it can be exciting, life- changing, exhilarating, some people like being scared, films, roller coasters, thrills…

But, know that every emotion uses energy – so I suggest you use your energy wisely.

OK, to the next topic – many of the questions I receive

are about ERP – Exposure and Response Therapy, which is core to everything I am teaching – and without doubt, the most effective way to overcome anxiety and OCD.

ERP is, exposing yourself to the very things that make you anxious, then (cleverly) tricking and manipulating your brain and body into reacting in new calmer ways, which subsequently recalibrate your brain, which removes stress from your body.

Plus, as you keep doing the things that scare you, they become easier – so your ‘story’ about them begins to alter – perhaps from “I can’t do that!” To, “It’s not easy, but I can do that!” – which is a change in your belief system – and your beliefs control what you will or won’t try to do.

I always say the best form of ERP is living the life you desire – because as you do the things you know you need to do, it will probably scare you, however, the more you do them, the easier they will become.

This is why having intentions of how you want your life to be – gives you a roadmap of where you need to expose yourself to new experiences – job interviews, dating, travelling and things like that.

Now, the common questions I am asked are:

Can you remind me what ERP is? How many types of ERP are there? How can I stop checking my body? How can I do ERP when it is so scary? Can I use ERP on a compulsion?

Can I use ERP on an intrusive thought?

Now all these answers are built into my videos – which is why I keep asking you to keep going back to the videos, watching them in order, around and around.

They are structured in a way that teaches many ERP techniques, and the homework usually points you towards tasks that will push your buttons – which is exposure therapy!

And as you do this work, acknowledge that Anxiety and OCD will always try to sabotage any efforts to do that exposure therapy!

It’ll say, “that’s too scary – you don’t have time – that won’t work – John doesn’t understand what I’m going through – or it’s just the way I am, so there’s no point trying.”

This is why I am asking you to build ERP into the way you live your life! Become braver, allow vulnerability in, be scared but do things anyway, doubt your thoughts, ignore your feelings – take whatever action is required to move your life forward, regardless of how you feel.

So, one more time, because it is important – Exposure and Response Therapy is the conscious decision to always be tricking the body back from any conditioned sympathetic fight and flight responses to

the parasympathetic rest, digest and repair state by talking softly, using breathwork and visualisation techniques that with repetition desensitise the brain’s

amygdala startle response and feed the unconscious brains RAS with a clear set of intentions for what you do want, not what you don’t want from life.

And if you make doing this your priority – your life will change rapidly.

Who will you change into – who knows? How can you know? Let’s find out what happens!

So, how many types of ERP are there? There are lots, plus you can mix and match them until you discover what works for you – you have to experiment.

So, let’s do a basic recap?

Remember video three? Your body responds to your thoughts and your movements. So, though you can’t change your unconscious internal dialogue, you

can talk over the top of it slowly and softly – and you can sag your body (even if you are scared).

Video 8 – The tapping – and if you haven’t deeply explored this, and if you aren’t using it daily when you get anxious (to calm yourself down), then you are missing a golden opportunity for change.

And if you are not getting anxious each day – then you are not exposing yourself to life enough!

Then, we have the tapping each morning to pre-worry and each evening to destress, which I outline in video fourteen – and if you are not doing this, then you haven’t even begun this course yet!

I know doing it looks stupid, I know it seems silly, but that is why I spent the first half of video eight explaining why it works – teaching how ERP works and why it is the most reliable way to un-condition your conditioned anxiety and OCD responses.

Then, I taught you diaphragmatic breathing in video eleven which invokes the parasympathetic rest, digest and repair biological responses.

In video 15, part 2 I taught you how to go looking for landmines – trapped energy stuck in your body from past traumas – how, whilst in a calm state, we go back to the very thoughts that scare us, agitate them, then learn to relax as the energy flows out – we keep our focus on the energy escaping, ignore the stories and talk softly, “I accept, I accept – I surrender to these emotions” – and just allow that energy to escape from us.

I built clever ERP routines, for you, into the four hypnotic audio recordings – Have you managed to listen to each of them 5, 6, 7, 10 times yet? Remember – repetition, repetition, and more repetition.

Those audio recordings work wonders on your unconscious mind – especially if you use them as you drift off to sleep each night.

Even me teaching you about Warriors, Settlers and Nomads is Exposure therapy – when you step into the Warrior aspect of your personality and say, “No” to a person, the first time it feels awkward, the second time a little easier, the third time it feels OK – well, you just used exposure therapy to update your brain and your bodies responses.

When you step into Nomad and become playful, do silly things, fool around – this is exposure therapy – remember lots of people with OCD have difficulties being playful and allowing themselves to look silly.

What can you do to gently expose yourself to these practices until they become more normal and your behavioural repertoire broadens – which obviously is a good thing – so you can go out and do more things in your life!

Is it easy? No!

Is it worth it? Yes!

Will it take effort? Yes!

Will your OCD try and stop you? You bet it will!

So, the new intention, the new attitude becomes – though ERP is scary, I won’t let my OCD win – otherwise, I will always have OCD.

And if you end up saying, “It is so scary, I just can’t do it,” then you will just have to accept that you will always have OCD!

And if you come to that point – you ought to ask yourself, “Is there a secondary gain, I am getting from keeping OCD?” Such as, not having to leave home, not having to get a job, or if you did get work, might you lose financial benefits.

And ask yourself – when I program out my OCD – do I have the right skills to get on with living my life? If not, start working on learning them now, as well as doing the ERP. Will that scare you? Yes, good, because that is ERP in action!

Sorry to be so blunt, but somebody has to tell you the truth!

Another form of ERP is deciding what you want from life –

defining your intentions and then programming them into your RAS, the brains Reticular Activating System, so it is unconsciously working for you (rather than against you), as I explained in video eighteen.

If you are not exposing your RAS to your clear intentions, you are missing out on one of the simplest yet most powerful ways we can help ourselves.

So my advice is to go back to the videos I have mentioned here and look at them with new eyes, knowing that exposure therapy is key to your recovery.

Now, there are a few questions that keep coming up specific to OCD that I feel need more clarity.

The first question is, “What is it that I am trying to achieve by not performing the ritual or compulsion?

Well, you are learning to be OK with the feeling of discomfort and practising not giving the OCD thoughts any meaning – by training your conscious awareness to not be hooked by the unconscious thoughts or bodies fears.

You want to check the door, but as you already did check it once, you sit with the discomfort, tap if needed, soothe yourself if needed, start a new positive, conscious dialogue (over the old scary stories) they are saying, “what if a person breaks in” and you are consciously saying “I am learning to trust myself, one check is normal, I am safe, this is how I want it to be.”

And please acknowledge, that ERP is not about stopping the thoughts or feelings, but just becoming more comfortable with them, and learning to ignore the out of date stories and disproportionate emotions they evoke.

My second observation is about doing ERP on intrusive thoughts – many therapists, especially CBT trained ones – tell you to keep running the scary thoughts.

So, if you had thoughts about harming people, you should exaggerate them and try to make them worse – now, I don’t think that works.

Because the more you consciously think about something, the more it becomes ingrained into your unconscious brain – not that you will do it – but that you will keep thinking about it – the thought loop becomes a well-trodden path.

So, for horrible intrusive thoughts (Pure O) type stuff – I would recommend that you consciously start a new dialogue over the top of the unconscious unrequested ones.

The unconscious thought is… I might stab my family – and the conscious story becomes “I will always love and protect my family.”

What if I say something sexual or touch that person? Becomes? I accept that deep down, we are animals; however, I don’t need to act on any of those evolutionary animal tendencies, I never have, and I never will, I possess integrity and respect others, I trust myself.

Can you see what I am doing here?

Another familiar comment is – “I still struggle with resisting some compulsions because something bad might happen to me or someone I love – if I don’t do them.”

Now, it’s very hard to debate this point with an OCD individual – because they say, “yes, but – what if I didn’t do my compulsion and they got infected and died?

You can’t argue with that!

But what you can do – is remember that OCD uses the strategies of a child, a little eight-year-old! These are the things a child would say.

I don’t walk on the cracks in the pavement because that keeps my family safe.

Can you see, too, that you are unknowingly taking responsibility for the health of a loved one, when they may not be bothered to the same degree as you.

You often see with people who need to clean things; they say, if I don’t disinfect things, they may get sick.

But if you ask the other person if they are worried about

getting ill from a not disinfected thing – they say, “not at all.”

Therefore, unless your level of concern matches their own level of concern for themselves – you are inflicting your childlike OCD fears onto them, which is neither fair nor loving; it is controlling and rude.

Your OCD is masquerading as you being caring – when really you are being manipulative and probably quite annoying, and very childish.

So, in these instances – protect ‘them’ only to the degree that they protect themselves – this should be the measure of your responses – anything greater than that is just the OCD sending you on a merry dance.

I have also had many questions about when to use each type of ERP – so here are the basic guidelines…

In the beginning, it is all about – calming yourself down – tapping, breathing, sagging your body, a gentle internal dialogue etc.

Once you can calm yourself down, you can begin to do the basic exposure therapy via the tapping to visualise your fears, then calm yourself down – as I teach in video eight – this begins to retrain your amygdala.

You then move on to – resisting your compulsions or doing the very thing that scares you – you make yourself anxious – then learn to sit with that discomfort for longer and longer periods of time.

If it gets too much, calm yourself down, then start again.

Once you get better at resisting the urges and compulsions – you choose bigger and bigger challenges that push your buttons.

Remember, the goal is not to stop the thoughts or anxious emotions – but to become more competent at accepting and ignore them, sagging into them, surrendering to them, keeping your conscious awareness off of them.

People without anxiety still feel uncomfortable doing new things – they have doubtful thoughts too – they are just OK with them – because getting on with their lives and taking action – is more important to them – that is the attitude they have chosen to adopt.

Once you can do this – you start looking for landmines and repressed traumas outlined in video fifteen.

Finally, you advance to the bigger ‘letting go’ techniques such as the walking meditation taught in video twenty-three.

I have known many a person – who when they faced ERP head-on, within a day, could just handle the discomfort and even laughed at the drama they used to make of it – it can happen in a second if you change your attitude.

Another question was – could use rituals or compulsions in our favour? And the answer of course is – a kind of, yes.

In its simplest form, you can be obsessive about things that take your life in the direction you want it to go.

Or you can be obsessive about fear, control and remaining stuck in endless loops.

The choice is yours really…..

Or another way to look at it is – If the compulsion is stopping you from living the life you truly wish for – then it is not in your favour – therefore don’t defend it with a justification or a cover story.

Another common set of questions is about medication, and because I am not a doctor – I really can’t advise you, but I can talk about my experiences.

I am shocked at how many medications many of my clients are on, especially in the US. Personally, I am not a fan of any medications unless you absolutely need them, and even then, after you have tried everything else first.

The last time I researched this topic, deaths from medicines and medical errors were the third-largest killer – so, I try to stay away from them.

But with respect to anxiety and OCD, I try to avoid

beta-blockers because they may cause dependency and stop you from learning how to calm yourself down.

I may talk about it in later videos but, I nearly became addicted to valium and opioid painkillers in my darkest times – and although they made bad times seem less bad – they seriously delayed and hindered the path to recovery.

I am not a fan of anti-psychotic drugs either, as these seem to zombify the individual and stop them from being able to rationally work on their own recovery.

Plus, what I am teaching – is that we are all crazy to a certain level like I discuss in video 17 – where I examine how our brain interprets our senses – and that we need to learn how to be OK with silly thoughts, out of date behaviours, contradictory needs and being out of control of life – because we are!

And finally, as I discuss in video 7, I think anti-depressants may be useful for some people, in some cases – as long as, they are also changing themselves and their life conditions at the same time too.

I am not a fan of high doses of SSRI’s or of their long term use – and would certainly urge people (under the guidance of their doctor) to slowly explore coming down to the lowest effective level, whilst still learning how to interact with life differently.

Now, I have to wrap these comments in a big caveat – by saying, I am talking here about people who are really working on themselves, changing their jobs, doing exposure therapy, exiting bad relationships, starting new

relationships, developing self-worth and embracing vulnerability, therefore becoming courageous.

However, if this is not you yet – if you feel stuck – if you are being overwhelmed and think there is nothing you can do – well, meds are an interesting way to drown out the fear and despair, just bear in mind though, it is often difficult to start the journey of recovery from a deeply pharmaceutically cloudy positionality.

Another common question I hear is – you don’t speak much about generalised anxiety – could you please give more details?

And the honest answer is – not really – it is actually very simple.

Here’s my definition of GAD or generalised anxiety – it is what happens to high functioning, intelligent individuals who exhaust themselves from working and worrying too hard.

Their little eight-year-old unconsciously sabotages them with the feeling of anxiety, but not with any specific issue or triggers which they could clearly define – consciously, as the definitive problem.

If you think about it – this is quite clever (for an eight-year-old) unconscious strategy – she is signifying that if I don’t let her know exactly what is making her anxious – she will assume it could be anything – so she’ll have to worry about everything – which will quadruple her fears, make her doubt everything – then she will retreat from life, stay at home and get the rest she needs – you know the story.

So, if you have GAD – I think, the secret is to stop looking for a cause and go straight to the remedy.

Recharge your emotional battery by learning to stop worrying, keep tricking your body back into the parasympathetic rest, digest and repair mode.

Stop taking responsibility for things that are not your responsibility and unravel your complex personality, so your warrior, settler and nomad are working together, not fighting each other.

Become more honest about what you want and don’t want – and by doing so, will update the virtual reality in those around you who will then start treating you better.

then decide what you want from life and consciously keep talking yourself into it!

This is the way out of anxiety – all anxiety and OCD does the same thing, just in different ways – and the solution is always the same.

The next topic is about how much energy we have and the trials and tribulations of feeling exhausted all the time.

If you remember back to my video four where I talked about how we seem to have a six-month reserve of emotional energy, and once it gets run down, our unconscious begins to sabotage us.

And much of what I have been teaching you is to worry less, take things less personally, stop doing things you don’t want to do, speak your mind more openly, put yourself first, rest more, sleep more, stop doing drama, and stop fighting life – why?

Because it takes almost no energy to forgive and let go – but it is exhausting to be angry, controlling or frustrated.

It takes almost no energy to accept – but uses lots of energy to argue a point or worry.

It takes a lot of energy to doubt everything and almost no energy to trust yourself, others and life in general.

It takes lots of energy when you are looking externally for validation from others – and almost none when you learn to be nice to yourself and self validate – when you become your own cheerleader or your own biggest fan – “Go on John, you can do this, you are the best…”

These attitudes will help you to use less energy each day, but remember, you still need to make up that six-month deficit; you still need to recharge the deficit of your emotional energy battery.

So what often happens is; a person starts doing this work, they feel a little better, then they stop doing the work a dive back into life – the same way they used to do it – then within a few months, the anxiety returns.

Yes, because you haven’t fully recharged the battery, and you haven’t become that new person who lives life differently yet.

Therefore, it is when you get those little breakthroughs and feel a tiny bit better – that you should apply yourself to this course (or any other self-mastery course) even more deeply.

Secondly, as you do this work and begin to feel a bit calmer – what usually happens is a relapse.

Well, it’s not a relapse – it’s the massive dawning upon you that your life needs to be different – that you will need to change things, shake things up a bit, end something, start something – and this can be daunting – but equally, it can be exciting.

As Caroline Myss says, you could go “Oooh…” or you could go “Aargh…”

And this is why I am such a big believer in a person consciously choosing what attitude to adopt as they move forward – regardless of their past conditioning.

To say – “This is daunting” which is an Oooh – or “This is exciting” which is an Arghhh” – are two very different perspectives with very opposing stories – one pulls you back from and the other orientates you towards.

Then the word motivation seems to arise; people seem to think that motivation is a real thing – but it’s not, it is just a word.

Better words might be – needs, desires, circumstances and things like that – if you were starving, you wouldn’t need the motivation to go out and find food; you would just take action even though you were hungry, tired and had no energy.

If your life is crap, then it is from this crap, tired and resourceless point that you start your journey – if you are waiting till you feel better and have motivation, this is just an anxiety or depression trap – you could say it is unconscious self-sabotage in action.

Or could motivation just be a mindset, that says – “I don’t want this anymore, I have had enough of this!”

A decision more than a feeling, I am deciding to make changes – regardless of how I feel right now, or how tired I am right now, or how scared I am right now.

I will do the work right now, and the rewards will follow, I am making a better life now for the future me to enjoy.

I read somewhere the phrase – “don’t wait for motivation – activity generates motivation.” And I have found that statement to be profoundly true.

Now, I’m not stupid, I’ve been in places I thought I would never recover from; it’s not easy, you almost have to say, “Fuck it!” This is not what I want for me.

And though I don’t know what I do want for myself – I know I don’t want this…

It’s from exhaustion that your journey will have to start,

there is no other way – but a funny thing happens – the energy available to you from positivity – is far greater than from negativity, the energy from self-respect or self-love is far more comprehensive than the energy from fear.

The luminous energy from having an intention, a goal, a dream, a desire – is very different to the massive volumes of energy required to remain stuck in fear, doom, gloom and depression – those states suck the life out of you – and those around you.

And for some people, you may need to ask yourself – “Am I actually doing too much, working too hard, doing three peoples jobs – is my exhaustion actually valid?

And if this is you – something will have to change, before your health makes that decision for you!

Know this – “Where your attention goes, energy flows – we awaken, that with which we energise, with our attention.

Are we fuelling something that keeps us stuck or are we fuelling that which takes us forward in life?

I will be making some videos about how we can consciously become aware of how much energy we have, how much we want to keep in reserve, how much we are prepared to use each day – and how much we want to hold back to recharge our emotional energy battery to ensure we have that full six-month buffer tank of emotional energy – so we can easily weather life’s ups and downs, without crashing out.

Finally, how to increase self-esteem and stand up for one’s self is a hot topic – and I am going to make a whole video dedicated to self-esteem and confidence very soon – but let me give you the basics, as I see them.

Self-esteem is the choice to try – consciously and positively – to lovingly respect yourself at all times, no matter what – even if you mess up!

It doesn’t have to be in an “I’m wonderful” ego kind of way, just – I won’t consciously be horrible to myself, I will accept my looks, my body, my intelligence, my skill set, my circumstances – they are what they are.

I won’t fight that which I can’t change, but, I will try to influence that which I can – in a direction that is complementary to the quality of my life – because I like myself and deserve to have a relationship, a job, a home, friends and whatever.

It’s really quite simple (though not easy) – you consciously talk to yourself kindly, the way you would to a child – “Well done – better luck next time – it was good that you tried that – I love you.”

Now, for some people, this is such an alien concept – to consciously choose to be nice to yourself, inside your own head!

Perhaps you never learned how to do this, maybe your parents didn’t talk to themselves nicely, or you didn’t have a good role model?

Perhaps they told you you were bad or useless?

These days if a person tells me I am an idiot or stupid or a weirdo (which they do) – I just say, “Thank you for your feedback!” then silently say to myself, “You are wonderful, I love who you are.”

Because what they think – is not my problem – I don’t need external validation – because my internal self-validation is loving and respectful – even when I do silly things – which I do – I forgive myself, I laugh with (and at) myself, but in a lovingly way.

Did it take me a long time to retrain myself to do this? YES, was it hard yes, did it take lots of repetition? – Absolutely!

But it’s worth it – because your quality of life (on the inside) can be wonderful – regardless of that which is happening out there, which you can’t control anyway.

And there is one major concept you need to understand – doing this does not stop the unconscious negative programmed stories of the mind, the judge, the victim – nor is that that the goal.

We are learning to ignore them, to function well despite them, and not give them any attention.

Just because my mind’s inner judge never shuts up, doesn’t mean I am a judgemental person! I chose not to be, I don’t listen – he doesn’t go away, he’s just a program that runs in the background – like on an old out of date tape loop – but it’s NMP.

And as you begin to do this, the next realisation arises.

That because you lovingly respect yourself – you won’t accept others abusing you – and you can deflect their abuse (because it is not your abuse, it is their abuse of you – unless you accept it.)

But, if you don’t accept their abuse, it remains their abuse, but not your problem (NMP) – unless you keep making it your problem.

If the loving and respectful thing to do for YOU in a particular moment is to say no to a person – then, there’s your decision, why would you need to let your mind analyse everything?

So the first half of self-esteem is being nice to yourself, and the second half is the decision, to not let others abuse you, via your actions towards them in any moment, be they to ignore them – accept them, retrain them or lovingly move away from them.

Each of these reactions has a strategy that goes with it – and I will be teaching you these in later videos, however, the initial step is to realise that you have a lot more choices in any moment than you might think.

So, self-esteem is an attitude with a set of rules that we can consciously choose to adopt – if we wish.

We all know losers who think they are great – and opposingly, geniuses who think they are useless.

Your job is to find the middle ground – self-esteem is the decision to consciously be good to yourself, regardless of your skills, looks, past experiences or any other crappy story THE old ego-mind proposes