Training others to treat you with more respect

I’m John Glanvill, author of The Calmness in Mind Process for overcoming Anxiety, OCD and Depression.

In this video, we are going to explore how we can positively influence our circumstances through new behaviours, and correspondingly what actions we can take to minimise that which may be distracting us from getting on with life?

In my last video, I introduced you to the concept that other people tend to treat us… Not in line with who we really are but in line with the Virtual Reality story they have in their minds of who we are.

Therefore it makes a lot of sense (wherever possible) to ensure their Virtual Reality story of us (which equates to how they treat us) is how we wish it to be?

Plus, if you don’t know how you wish it to be – it drives you to ask yourself, “How do I want them to treat me?”

And, if you are smart, you’ll be investigating whether your Virtual Reality stories about them are relevant to who they are today and not based on your past experiences of them.

To help you do this, I would like to teach you a simple model that helped me enormously.

Because, as I took more responsibility for what I said and my behaviours in each moment, it pleasantly shocked me how responsive other people were.

And of course, if people treat you better, listen to you more and respect you, this will increase your self-esteem – which is always a good thing!

So in this model, we break our communication skills down into six practical perspectives.

1. Virtual Reality

2. The Characters

3. Our Best Face

4. Warrior, Settler or Nomad

5. Your energy signature?

6. I’ll talk about it later…

Starting with number one, Virtual Reality – what is their story of you? Do you know?

If your mind jumps to something like, “I’m not nice to them, but it is only because they are not nice to me.” This may be true; however, your continued behaviour will ensure that their virtual story will never change.

Therefore, this cycle probably needs to be broken? Remember your three options at any moment – change things, accept things or remove yourself from those things.

So, in this model, we are looking at the change option; remember, you are the one doing the work, learning new things, not them.

You are the one taking more responsibility for the outcomes in your life and finding more calmness.

So, perhaps being nice to them (with repetition) may influence how they start behaving towards you?

Conversely, you might start to stand up for yourself, so it becomes more uncomfortable for them if they mistreat you? Only you will know what is best for you?

Then the second positionality is the characters that live within our mind (as I discussed in video 13) the judge, victim, pleaser, the rebel, the wounded child, the joker, the facilitator, the princess – and all their little friends.

Which of your characters, is your mind projecting from at any moment? And which of their characters are listening, responding and reacting to you?

There’s no point in your rebel saying to them – “let’s jump in the car and go to the beach” when their victim is listening and may feel guilty about taking a day off of work.

So through awareness and influence – what could you do, before asking your question, to switch their minds from a victim stance to a more playful one?

The third positionality – is called “Best Face” – where you try to fit in or act differently, to project the good side of yourself?

In many cultures, it is often taught or learned during childhood – not to ‘let the family down’, not to ’embarrass yourself’ and to be seen to do the right thing.

Of course, this may mean you occasionally have to lie a little (or a lot) – and consequently, those around you may develop a misleading Virtual Reality story about you.

They think you are loving university and doing well, when in fact, you hate it and find it almost impossible to revise due to exhaustion and panic attacks!

Plus, you might feel guilty for not living up to some part of family or cultural expectation, but you don’t tell anybody, thus holding down anger or resentment at living a lie.

The Fourth positionality is… From which individual aspect of your personality are you communicating from at that moment?

The introvert, the extrovert, the Warrior, Settler or the Nomad?

And which of their personality aspects is listening or interacting with you?

Now, of course, this is a more advanced variant of positionality number two, “the characters.” Which are just an aspect of the voices within our mind.

However, this stance enables the complete transition of our whole mind and body into a more clearly defined total persona.

We step into becoming warrior – “No thank you, I don’t want to do that!”

Or we step into settler – “Can I help you with that?”

Or perhaps a more nomadic stance? “I’m glad that problem is yours and not mine – I’ll leave now to give you the time and space to sort that out…”

Obviously, as you start to do these things, it may surprise or shock those around you – because you are not living up to the virtual reality expectations they have of you.

But, this is a phase you will need to go through as you disrupt and then reform their new virtual reality story of who the new you is becoming.

Then we have positionality number five – what is your energy signature like at that moment (as I detailed in my guided meditation called – Audio 4, cutting the chords).

How much energy are you bringing to the communication? Or, indeed, losing through this communication.

Last week, I was in a coffee shop where two waitresses were serving; one was highly energised, smiling, interacting, zooming around and anticipating people’s needs – the other, slow, quiet, and responding to peoples needs.

They both did a good job, but one of them left a bigger energetic (or you might say) emotional impression; I heard two other tables commenting positively about the more vibrant and emotionally engaged waitress.

As I was paying, I said to her, “You have a very positive energy; the people here really like it.” And she said, “I know”, and smiled.

She gets it!

She knows she can consciously influence how others see her and treat her – she’s not leaving it down to luck or saying, “I can’t act that way – I am a shy person, that’s just the way I am; what can I do?

She is knowingly taking responsibility for influencing her outcomes and opportunities in life.

I’m sure she gets more tips, better shifts and is likely to be offered other jobs – even if she is ‘faking it’ to do that job well.

It’s just a job – it doesn’t matter who you think you are – what matters is, are you thinking and acting like a great waiter?

They say ‘fake it till you make it’ – and I guess that is another expression for exposure therapy – or just plain doing new things in new ways until they become a more natural expression of yourself.

Then there is interaction number six, which I will introduce you to in a moment.

Can you see how complex – even a simple interaction with another person could be – if you become consciously aware of the bigger picture?

OK, let’s regroup for a second…

Why am I teaching you all these skills and not talking about your OCD thoughts or your anxiety?

It’s because – you have anxiety because of who you are, how you were programmed, how you think, how your body responds to those thoughts, the chemical soup you unknowingly create and live in, your beliefs about yourself and the world – and due to the assumptions you make about yourself based on how others treat you.

It really is that simple!

Do you remember my rules for recovery?

1. – You can’t think your way out of anxiety – because anxiety is the result of thinking and worrying too much.

2. – You can’t remove anxiety and remain the same person – you must change how you think and behave.

3. – You are the observer of the brain’s thoughts, plus thoughts have no real meaning except any meaning you give them – they can be ignored.

4. – If your body is anxious, all it means is that your brain has (rightly or wrongly) told your body to release stress chemicals into your bloodstream, which agitate the body.

So, how the body feels should not stop you from taking action – as I have said before – when I see a nervous person really pushing themselves, all I see is courage.

Vulnerability with action equates to courage, irrespective of the outcome of that action.

And finally, number 5. – Is it actually anxiety you are experiencing? Or are you being triggered by a past trapped trauma being released at that moment?

Therefore, by becoming a new person (who thinks and behaves in new ways), we can eliminate avoidable anxiety.

Then, we learn to be comfortable with helpful anxiety, like that we might experience when asking for a pay rise, ending an abusive relationship, trying new things or standing up for what we believe in.

So to demonstrate this process in action, I would like to role-play two scenarios based on an imaginary job interview.

In scenario one, I play me thirty years ago and in the second one – the me of today – and though I am exaggerating a little for effect, I hope you’ll get the point?

So, in this first scenario, here is how I would have behaved thirty years ago – when I had my anxiety and before I learnt any of the things I am teaching here.

The day before the interview, I would have made myself quite anxious, worrying about all the things that could go wrong, doubting myself and focussing on my weaknesses instead of my strengths.

The night before, I would have had disrupted sleep as I made myself even more anxious, worrying that not sleeping would worsen my performance at the interview.

Then in the morning, I would dress in the way that I was taught to dress for an interview – I would put on my best suit (even though I felt uncomfortable and hated wearing a jacket and tie) because I wanted to fit in and be seen to be doing the right thing.

Once at the interview – out of all the communication strategies I listed earlier; their virtual reality of me, the characters in my head, my best face, warriors, settlers nomads – and my energy signature – the only one I knew was my best face.

To put forward the best parts of me – to hide the worst elements and demonstrate how I could adapt to do that job and fit into what I perceived their company’s culture was.

So I would sit up straight, smile and put my best face forward.

If I was asked a question like, “John, are you a good team worker?”

My answer would probably have been something like, “Yes, I am good in a team, I respond well to good management, I like structure, like helping others and enjoy being part of something larger than just myself!”

My assumption being that if they were asking this question, then they were looking for this answer!

Another question may have been, “Are you OK working late or doing overtime when needed?”

I probably would have said something like, “I’ll do whatever it takes to make this a success; you will have my full commitment.”

And so it would have gone on with me trying to be friendly, fit in, please them – considering more about what they wanted from me, rather than what I wanted from them.

Therefore, by the end of the interview process, the interviewing team would all have a Virtual Reality story in their minds of who I was and how I was likely to perform.

But it wasn’t necessarily the truth of who I really was.

In my naivety back then, I didn’t know about competency-based interviewing techniques; I wasn’t aware of psychometric personality profiling or behavioural profiling.

I thought that being nice and telling them what I thought they wanted to hear was ‘the right thing to do!’

Can you see that if they had given me that job, they would have treated me in line with the virtual reality story I had planted in their minds…

Here is a nice guy who needs to be managed within a team and will happily do all the overtime we need him to do…

That’s how they would have treated me if they had given me the job – but it was just my best face story. In truth, I dislike operating within a team or working weekends.

I would have been angry at how they treated me – but it was me who programmed them to do it!

And it is the same with our families, our partners, our friends and even our children.

I hope this is making sense?

Now, before I jump to interview number two – based more on who I am these days, let me bring in positionality number six – and that is…

Be your authentic self – and tell the truth!

Do you know who you are? What do you really want from any situation or interaction? How can you live with self-esteem, self-worth and courage? Do you value your time, knowledge and capabilities? Are you brave enough to tell the truth?

So, in this second scenario, things become a lot more honest and authentic – firstly, is this interview for a job, a career or a vocation?

Because depending on which of these it is – it will totally affect the tools I use to generate their virtual reality story of me.

There is probably a video to be made just about that statement – is my work a job, a career or a vocation and am I treating it accordingly?

Anyway, back to my interview – I would have done any preparation work needed to explore the company, the position and the market.

I would have asked myself the questions I would expect an employer to ask me, so I had at least considered my answers.

I would have asked myself what value I thought I would be bringing them, so even if they didn’t ask me, I could have woven it into other answers, thus influencing their virtual reality.

Then, I would probably sleep well the night before as I have learned to be less hooked by my thoughts, and to recognise one of the most potent responses I consciously have, is the comment “I don’t know!”

Will I get the job? – I don’t know…
Am I good enough for that job? – I don’t know…
Will traffic delay me and make me late? – I don’t know… What will I do if I don’t get that job? – I don’t know…

Who said we should know these things? They are just the minds virtual reality stories about a future that hasn’t happened – those thoughts serve no purpose – except to hold you back through fear and doubt.

Then, I would wear what makes me feel comfortable and what I would like to wear if I was doing that job. I might wear a suit, but I wouldn’t wear a tie these days as my authentic self hates them; it’s just not me.

Then within the interview, I would be asking myself what personality did I think the interviewer was? And which of my personalities would be right for the interview and the job.

Perhaps even answering a question truthfully that may seem contradictory, like saying, “There is a dominant side of me that likes taking control and action, but equally, there is a side to me that can reign that in and recognise when there is the need to listen and for consensus.”

I would be considering how much energy to bring into the interview; if it was for a funeral home, calmness and reverence might be useful? For a service job engagement and warmth, for a managerial role, authority, presence and vision?

So, back to my authentic and honest self, if I was asked that first question again – “John, are you a good team worker?”

My response would probably be, “If you want the best from me, either have me run the team or keep me out of the team.

My skills are based on problem-solving, facilitating and rapid response solutions.

I work fast, creatively, and with great attention to detail; this may alienate some in a team environment.

However, I do recognise the importance of high functioning teams.

Then for the second question, “John – are you OK with working late and overtime?”

My authentic response would be, “Monday to Thursday, you have my total commitment, whatever it takes to be successful.

However, Friday evening and the weekend are for my family – work-life balance is essential to me.

And I would take that authenticity and honesty right through the interview.

So, if they didn’t offer me the job, then good! As I would have been the wrong person for it.

However, if they did offer me the job – their virtual reality of me, and how they might treat me, had already been formed in their minds.

I know this is a very simplistic example, but the concept is very powerful.

On a first date, rather than hiding behind your best face, it might be prudent to be very authentic right from the start. That way, if there are mismatches, you discover them immediately and not on date number seven.

One of my favourite relationship coaches – Alison Armstrong, says – don’t call them dates; call them data gathering and sorting encounters.

How quickly can you qualify them in or out based on being yourself and authentically stating what you are looking for from the relationship?

One last tip that works well – is to evaluate your friends and family and ask yourself, “what are they not doing for me that I would like them to be doing?”

Then, do that very thing back to them.
If they don’t call you enough, start calling them.
If they don’t ask you out enough, ask them out.
If they never visit, go visit them.
If they don’t support you enough, start supporting them.

So, this process is all about influencing and communicating in intelligent new ways – and in this next segment, I want to teach you a meditation technique for learning how to not be hooked or distracted by your mind.

As I have mentioned in other videos, I have done a lot of meditation over the years and explored deeply what worked best for me.

And I found that sitting like a monk, in silence, trying to not let my awareness attach to any thoughts or emotions, just too hard – especially in the beginning as my mind was so noisy and intrusive.

What I found more useful were contemplations or active meditations that enhanced skills that detached me from my thoughts – to break my addiction to the brain’s thinking and my perceived need to be in control by understanding everything and being hyper-aware.

So, I would like to introduce you to my favourite walking meditation – where the goal is to walk along and not allow your attention to be hooked by inner thoughts or external stimuli.

It is best done in busy areas like shopping malls – but it also works well out walking in nature.

The first action is to count your steps working in groups of four – then align your breathing with exhaling during four steps and inhaling during the next four steps. (Demonstrate)

Then, once you have got that sorted, we introduce moving our fingers, so for each step, we pinch our thumb with each finger in turn, with each step.

(Demonstrate)

Now, why are we doing this? It is to give your conscious mind something to focus on, to help it not be hooked by unconscious thoughts.

It’ll take a minute or so to get the pattern working – four-step cycles of in-breath and four-step cycles of out-breath whilst gently pinching your thumbs through each finger on each step.

And once the walk is underway, you stay silent, and your goal is to not let anything distract you from the step/breath/finger patterns.

To do this (as you walk), don’t allow the focus of your sight to fall on anything except where you are walking for your safety.

Try to keep your eyesight diffused or out of focus, so as much as your ego wants you to look in the shop window, read that billboard or glance at that person walking towards you…

You don’t look – you deny your ego it’s need to see everything.

If a person calls your name – don’t turn around. If there is a commotion going on – ignore it.

How can you keep your attention on your hands, fingers and breath – whilst not letting your gaze be hooked by all that is going on around you?

Deny your ego, your protective personality, all the data it is searching for…

Will it kick and scream? Probably.

See, it thinks it is keeping you safe, but it’s not; it’s keeping you trapped with fear-based worries, catastrophising thoughts and anxious feelings.

So, I am asking you to become neutral to everything, drop all your opinions and judgements – just be with the motion of walking, breathing and moving your fingers.

In the beginning, your mind will nab you – or some external event will grab your attention. That’s fine; just bring your attention back to the steps, the breath and the fingers.

And the more you do this, the easier it will become – as you desensitise your brain from its conditioned hyper-vigilant state.

Another thing you’ll find is that when you return from the walk, you will feel surprisingly calm and refreshed.

There are other adaptations of this too. For example, waiting for a train, gaze at your phone (with it turned off) so there are no distractions – and once again, don’t let any noise, person or event distract you from looking at that blank screen.

If you do get distracted by a thought or external event, just smile to yourself, “it got me”, then place your conscious attention back on your blank phone screen.

You are learning how to keep the conscious focus of your attention on what you want, not what your mind wants.

As ever, if ignoring everything around you brings on anxiety – sag your body and in a soft, slow, gentle voice – “I surrender to this discomfort – everything is fine – I am safe – I trust myself to let go.”

If you are queuing or waiting – use these times to consciously stay out of the stories, opinions and judgements that the mind throws up.

As I said before, there is only now, and in this now you are in a queue – simple as that – don’t fight it!

No fretting or complaining will alter that fact, so accept it. Use it as a beautiful time to practice not being distracted – perhaps place your conscious awareness on a spot on the wall or your big toe – anything that stops it from being distracted by unconscious thoughts and the goings-on around you.

You’ll soon see that the mind has a story about everything and everyone – and we are detaching from those old patterns because they are out of date.

There is no wrong way to learn this detachment – you just need to find a way that works for you. I discovered my NMP (not my problem), another valuable tool for detaching at any moment – most things that go on around you are not your problem, so stop taking responsibility for them.

Take responsibility for training your observer to keep her focus (or attention or awareness) in one place and keep it there – this is a game-changer.

Still, it will take a lot of effort and, as ever, repetition, repetition and more repetition.

So, a quick summary…

Can you explore the six aspects of communication?

Virtual reality The characters Your best face

Warrior, settler and nomad Your energy signature

And the most important one your authentic self, what you really want from yourself and others.

Reprogram those around you – update their old virtual reality stories of you – so they begin to treat you differently.

Say no more often. Say what you want more often. Put yourself first more often. Tell people what you need from them, so they do not have to guess what you want.

Then the walking meditation where we are slowly learning to be in the world but not getting hooked by it or our minds stories about it.

And your homework…

A twenty-minute meditation walk each day and start becoming your more authentic, honest and truthful self which will generate new virtual reality stories in those around you.