Understanding love and care in powerful new ways

I’m John Glanvill, author of The Calmness in Mind Process for overcoming Anxiety, OCD and Depression.

In this video I am going to expand my theory – that we can’t just remove anxiety from within us, and still remain the same person – because fear is the symptom of how we have been knowingly (or unknowingly) thinking, worrying and behaving most of our life.

Up until now, I have been asking you to observe your thoughts, to recognise the model of the horse and the rider, to see the varying sides of your personality (warrior, Settler and nomad) and to befriend them, embrace your skills, and to embrace your flaws too, cut yourself some slack, take yourself less seriously, laugh at your own insecurities.

I have been asking you to release trapped trauma from your body – to be aware of any cover stories you may be unknowingly using – and to develop a more positive conscious inner dialogue. – And in doing so, you will retrain the RAS part of your brain to be focussed on what you DO want, not what you DON’T want.

I hope too – that you have been able to glimpse the magnitude of how programmed our minds are by childhood, school, culture and religion – and that this programming may not be serving us well, especially if calmness and happiness are our goals.

So, in the next few videos, I am going to be outlining concepts you can use, to become a new person, in which anxiety would find it hard to reside, – because we are starving it from its primary source of fuel, which is fear and doubt.

We are learning – that, to not know what will happen next is OK, how could you know?

We are learning, that to feel vulnerable – is the natural human state – because we are vulnerable! We are fleshy little creatures – it’s incredible we are alive at all!

But, know that, we can retrain our amygdala to be OK with vulnerability, with not knowing, with doubt and the feeling of being out of control – because as I keep saying, in reality, there is very little you can truly control, but much you can influence through taking action.

And that we need to start seeing life differently – perhaps challenging some of our beliefs, some of our conditioning, and finding new, more productive, and conducive to calmness, models of thought and behaviour.

So, in this video we begin the task of breaking big topics, like love, care, guilt and self-esteem, into smaller more manageable subjects – which provide, simple models, you can use, to interact with the world (and yourself) differently.

As ever, these are models, not necessarily the truth, just tools you can use to find more calmness and happiness.

Let’s start simply, then delve into more detail over the next few videos, so bear with me and keep an open mind.

Now then, love and care are huge topics – to be loving, to be caring – these are things that are important to us.

But have you ever sat down and asked yourself “What is love? – How do I want to be loved? – How do I want to give love? – What does it mean to care? – Do you even care? (shrug)

It’s a vast topic – and for many people, these behavioural characteristics, are programmed into them during childhood, rather than being, a well- considered, and adult conscious decision on how you would like to love and care at this moment.

Perhaps, stop the video and ask yourself, can I put into words, what love and care really are? Ask yourself, what’s the difference between love and care?

Is care an emotion, an action, an identity, (like saying, I’m a caring person).

Is it possible to not care? – Can you care about the person, but detach from their pain? Can you have empathy without getting caught up in the other person’s feelings?

Can you remain happy, even if they aren’t? Like being, lovingly detached?

Can you see how quickly these topics can become huge subjects, and how they may initiate a raft of thoughts, judgements, beliefs and emotional triggers?

So, let me give you one of the most straightforward explanations that I received, from my friend Gary Van Warmerdam – of what love and care might look like – if finding happiness and calmness are your intentions.

And I think the story starts with the relationship we have with ourselves.

Do you love yourself? And do you care for yourself?

And if the answer to either of those questions is no – then how can you ever be happy? Because right from the get-go, you have no self-worth – you already think you are not worthy of love.

I often hear people say – “You can’t love another person if you don’t love yourself.”

Well, I believe you can love another, even if you don’t love yourself, however, they probably won’t be able to love you back – and that’s not a good thing, because it’s the act of giving love that feels good.

Imagine how ‘unloving’ it might feel, if one partner said, “I love you”, and they meant it – and the other said, “You can’t possibly love me because I am so XYZ.”

It’s hard to give love to a person, who doesn’t easily receive that love – or to show love to a person who may unknowingly place conditions upon, receiving that love.

“Oh, you can’t possibly love me when I look like this, look at my hair, who could possibly love a person with hair like this?

An example of these conditions could be “I’ll be nice to you if you are nice to me.” Or “If you loved me, you wouldn’t have said that.”

It’s almost, as if, (in their mind) there were a set of rules that defined what love is – and if those rules are followed – then love exists, and can be accepted by them.

Typically, we call this ‘conditional love’ – It’s like; “Well, I will love you if you love me, but if you do anything bad or wrong, I may withhold that love from you (or myself).

At that moment they are unknowingly using the withdrawal of love, warmth, sex, kindness – as a form of punishment to the other, or as a self-sabotaging withdrawal of love from themselves as a form of self-punishment (for not being worthy of love).

And many eating disorders are an unconscious, self-punishment, through guilt for not feeling good enough.

We all know people who say they will come along to a party, but always cry off at the last minute with some sabotaging excuse – this is their own, unconscious self-punishment – perhaps we could call it unconscious guilt?

Which is not living up to the imaginary story you have, of who you think you OUGHT to be – that was programmed into you!

Guilt is just self-abuse, nobody is asking you to feel bad, you are just running a story about the past, or the future, where your actions, fall short of the VIRTUAL REALITY story you have in your mind of who you feel you OUGHT to have been or OUGHT to be!

In reality, once you break those old ‘stories’ – in each now, you can be, and do, anything you want – your past does not define you, what you do now defines your future – remember video 10?

Your past does not define your future, what you do in the now defines your future – you really need to think about this.

Regardless of the past – should you go to the party or not? Going will change your life in some way; not going will keep it the same.

Feeling vulnerable, yet taking action is the definition of courage – and the key to changing your life.

So, if you are being horrible to them, or yourself – that’s not loving, it’s inflicting, emotional pain on them or yourself – perhaps, we could say it’s a basic, school-playground kind of love.

I saw you looking at her (and that makes me feel bad) you should look only at me (to make me feel good) – and if you loved me, you wouldn’t look at her, you would look at me….

And because you broke that ‘rule’ of love, I will remove my love from you – as a punishment until you can learn to do it right.

I am exaggerating, but this type of ‘conditional love’ is basically what we learn from school, TV soap operas and very often our parents, who learned it from theirs.

And because we learned it when we were children – it should be no surprise we are still doing it now, because that’s the program that was installed!

So, if you don’t love yourself, you will be looking for evidence from others, that they love you, through their actions, their words and them placing their attention upon you.

So, that’s our starting point – “Do you love yourself?”

Because if you do, you won’t doubt that another person could love you too.

Therefore, you will be less needy of reassurance, and consequently less critical of their behaviour, and this makes for a calmer, relationship, where that person doesn’t have to ‘walk on eggshells’ worrying about what they say and do around you to avoid any emotional trigger.

For many people, loving themselves may be too much to ask, especially after years of anxiety, OCD, depression, past painful relationships – or from traumatic experiences.

Perhaps, a better starting point might be “Do you like yourself?” Has anybody taught you yet, how to be nice to yourself?

And, of course, the first step in being nice to yourself – is to stop being horrible to yourself!

And like we discussed in video 18 – you can consciously talk nicely, over any unrequested unconscious thoughts that are being horrible to you – regardless

of the truth about those conscious stories – they can still be nice, they should be nice, this is your experience of life, you can influence it.

We don’t say, about our child’s first drawing – “That’s crap, you stupid dongle, that’s just a bunch of rubbish squiggles and looks nothing like a tree!”

No, we say, – “Wow, that is beautiful, I can see what it is, but what do you call it, oh yes, a tree, that is brilliant, well done, you could be an artist one day.”

To develop our own adult version of this story – is called Self-Esteem, the degree to with which you are pleasant to yourself and don’t allow others to be horrible to you – by either not believing them – or retraining them to treat you better or removing yourself from them.

Back to my story about love – love is an emotion, an action, a way of being, therefore mostly ineffable, non-linear and certainly impossible to prove.

Yet, anxiety and OCD cause you to doubt everything, and so you tend to look for proof of your fears. But science can’t prove that love exists, you can’t prove which person loves the other the most, it’s almost impossible.

Plus, love can be performed so differently, I know of people, who, on their deathbed, said to a spouse, “Please don’t remarry, hold me in your mind and love only me for the rest of your life.”

And others, who have said, “Please love again, make sure your life has love in it, and make another person as happy as you made me.”

Wow, what a wide range of behaviours – there’s no right or wrong in love, – just what is the right or wrong type of love for YOUR happiness – and of course, theirs too, which may be different – and we’ll talk about that in a minute.

So, is the way you are going to love (in the future) based upon your conscious, adult choice of how you want to love now?

Or is the way you love, unconscious, due to your programming, culture or religion – which we might call “Who you think you ought to be – and what you think you ought to do – rather than “what it is you truly want to do…”

This gap between, what you feel you ought to do, and what you want to do – is called guilt, the second-lowest of all emotions, and it sits, just above shame.

As Brene Brown says; “Guilt is apologising for what you did – and shame is apologising for who you are!”

Learning to recognise, then, just letting the guilt go, is the fastest path to happiness – guilt and shame are self-abuse, a punishment for not being worthy – and this needs to stop – because we are all worthy of receiving love.

Let’s jump back to talking about love, and specifically, relationship love; I think in its simplest form, we can boil it down to two leading indicators of the presence of love.

The first one – Is based upon the evidence that you can see, that might confirm that they love you, a smile, they emptied the bin, cooked your dinner, said nice things, maybe, they said: “I Love you?”

Then, the second indicator, which is; how it makes you feel to be in their presence – how it makes you feel, to do things for them, how it makes you feel to love them.

Are you nice to them, so they are nice to you? Or, do you do things for them, because it is your pleasure to do them? It makes you feel good to love them – regardless of how they respond, or even if they notice.

Can you do something kind for another, without their awareness, and with no feedback from them – and still feel fully happy within yourself?

So, there’s the element you see and element you feel – and what I would like to propose to you, is, stop looking for any evidence that they love you.

The truth is, you will never know if a person loves you – Can you learn to be OK, not knowing if they love you? Can you learn to, stop looking for evidence that they love you?

Remember, you’ll know if you love them, it’s your pleasure to love them, it’s better to give than to receive – and assuming the relationship is non-abusive and if your needs are getting met, do you really need to know if they love you?

Really think about this – because, if you already love yourself, there is less need for this external validation of yourself.

But if your self-worth is low, unconsciously, almost unknowingly, you may be checking, or even testing your partner for evidence of their love, or their commitment to you.

And, if in any moment, you don’t see it, your mind may jump to negative thoughts that may push you even further into looking for more reassurance (from their behaviour or their words) that they love you.

This reminds me of a friend of mine, Paul, who always had short-term relationships, changing his girlfriend every two or three years.

And about a year into one of these relationships I met Cathy, and I liked her immediately, we were in a restaurant, and Paul accidentally knocked his glass of red wine all over Cathy’s white blouse.

And she just laughed and said “never mind” – in fact, other ladies in the group were really agitated and wanted to help her clean it up – and she just said, “Don’t fuss, it doesn’t matter.”

And I really like that no drama, deep acceptance of what has happened, no blame, and no worry about what others might think about a red stain on a white blouse.

She had just dissipated the energy of the incident in seconds, she stayed out of the stories about it – and it hadn’t upset her day.

I remembered silently thinking; excellent, Paul has finally found a keeper, a carefree, low drama, fun-loving woman – but I wonder how he’ll mess this one up?

Anyway, about three months later I met up with Paul and he asked me for some advice, now, in my work as a therapist I am always giving people advice, but in my private life, I try to not give advice.

Because how my friends choose to live their lives (and even my family to a certain degree) is really, none of my business and indeed not my problem, it’s their problem.

I can love them, silently be there for them, accept them and their challenges, help where possible – but I don’t have to take responsibility for the outcomes in their lives – because it is their life!

However, in this instance, Paul pushed me until I said “OK, what’s the problem?” and he said, “I am thinking of splitting up with Cathy, and I want some advice on how to do it.”

I said, “Why are you splitting up with her?” and he said, “Because she drives me mad!”

I said, “do you think she wakes up in the morning and says to herself, I wonder how I can drive Paul mad today?”

And he said “no.” I said, “therefore, she is not driving you mad, you are being driven mad by her!”

“Which means you need to keep her a bit longer, and each time you are driven mad by her, we work on what is agitating you, and if possible we change it.

But if you split up, you won’t be able to grow; because nobody will be pushing your buttons –- until the next woman comes along!

I said, “the next time you are triggered by her, give me a call, and we can sort out a plan.”

A few weeks later – he called to recount a bad experience where Cathy was running late, getting ready to go out for a meal with friends, Paul was getting agitated, and they ended up having a big argument.

Paul said, “She knew we were going out at 7:30, but still she was late getting ready, what’s wrong with her?”

I said, “there is nothing wrong with her – it’s just that she is a Nomad, time doesn’t really matter to her, being on time is not important to her, spilling wine on her blouse doesn’t upset her.

It’s your Settler that hates being late, dislikes letting people down, hates breaking rules, feels responsible for everybody else’s feelings.”

I said, “this is your problem, not hers – but you are blaming her, you are expecting her to be something that she isn’t, you are assuming, she sees life the way you do – and she doesn’t!”

So, Paul said, “How could I have handled that differently?”

I said, “well, two strategies spring to mind, firstly, you can own the issue, and get her buy in, by saying something like;

“I know timekeeping isn’t that important to you, but it is to me, so, can I have your permission to keep nagging and reminding you how much time you have left, so I can ensure we leave the house by 7:30?

Or you could say, listen, take as long as you need to get ready, I’ll be off by 7:30, but if you need longer, that’s fine, you can just get a taxi and join us later.”

Can you see how many ways there are to avoid drama – because drama is not love – it’s emotionally agitating the very person you love!

We also talked about strategies for tidiness, because she was messy and he was tidy, he was expecting her to notice things that needed doing, then action them – but, she could walk through a messy room, and not even notice anything was out of place!

So, he changed his expectations of her, he aligned with the good parts of her, her happiness, her freedom, her creativity, the fact that she accepted everyone, she had no expectations of anybody – she loved them all, just the way they were.

After a few months, Cathy called me and asked if I was working with Paul because he had changed so much – and what she said was really lovely.

She said, “I know I am a bit scatty, messy and late, but it’s just who I am (but I like being me, I like doing what I want) – up until now men have always tried to turn me into something I’m not.

However, in the last six months Paul has just excepted me the way I am – he hasn’t tried to change me – there are no conditions for his love – and it feels so great, to be loved for who I am, not who he used to want me to be!”

She went on to say – “Can you please teach me how to interact with Paul, in a way that will make him happy?”

They’ve been married for a while now, and they are happy – they learned two powerful lessons;

Firstly, we need to love the other person the way they want to be loved, not how we want to love them.

And, they learned to stop looking for evidence that the other person loved them.

Because if you love them how they want to be loved, it will feel so good, that they will want to love you back the way you want to be loved.

Assuming you let them – or that you know what you want from love – or can bravely and truthfully, tell them what you need from them.

I’ll be going into a lot more detail about ways to understand and love each other in future videos, but at its core, human nature is quite predictable (and beneath our mind and beneath our ego) our emotional needs are very primitive.

We are, two hundred thousand year old, emotional creatures who recently learned to think – our logical mind is designed for this world, but our basic emotional needs are primordial.

Contrary to popular belief, men do want to make women happy, but unless they know what will definitely make her happy, they tend to back off or hedge their bets.

Because the reward of getting it right, is that they get to feel appreciated – and if they are appreciated, they are more likely to have access to sex.

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Notes on screen: (Examples only – male / female traits are less polarised now, some aspects of a man may be deemed more caring / feminine – and of a woman more providing / protecting – the relationship works if mutual needs are being met.)

By sex – I am referring to the varied range of relationship intimacy required to meet the mutual needs of the pair

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But if they get it wrong, they will be reprimanded, which makes them feel bad, so they’ll do less for you – fundamentally, this is a straightforward emotional equation – this is not a logical interaction – it is an emotional one.

If he says, “where shall we go for dinner?” And she says “I don’t mind” – it leaves him in a conundrum.

Because he has to guess which restaurant, will make her happy – and because he wants to feel appreciated – he will take her to a safe place, somewhere she said she liked in the past – (so be careful saying you enjoyed a particular restaurant if you didn’t!)

Men are not mind readers, that line from tv soap operas “If you loved me, you would know what I need!” just throws a man into confusion and inaction.

Just tell him what you need – and if you don’t know – how can he? So, ladies – tell men exactly what you want them to do, and why.

Tell them when it is needed by, and when they complete the task, praise them, show your appreciation and make sex available.

And if you (or he) don’t like sex – look into that, because this is also linked into issues of self-esteem, trauma, guilt or denial.

You could say to your man “This shelf is rubbish, when will you get around to fixing it?

Or you could say “Darling, it would make me so happy if you could use your incredible handyman skills to fix that shelf, because my spice jars keep falling off –

Is there any way you can put a little lip around the edge to stop them falling off?

Oh, and Fred and Susan are coming over next week for dinner, it would be lovely if it was done by then – you are the best, I love you.”

Although words were the last thing humans learned to use in their evolution, they can now be used in ways that complement our primordial animal emotions – and this is what we might call emotional intelligence.

And for the man, provide and protect, explore where she needs you to deliver for her and the family, and examine where she needs protection or support, encouragement – man up – stand your ground, learn what she needs from you so she can feel safe within the relationship.

Now, I’m talking caveman language here – not twenty-first-century language – I’m not saying women can’t protect themselves, I am saying in an emotionally intelligent relationship, what are the in-depth emotional requirements that need addressing, that often people are too scared to talk about?

For men, I would suggest that you really listen to her when she speaks, be interested in what she is saying, ask questions to gain more insight – but realise, sometimes when she speaks, she is not looking for you to fix anything (which is a male tendency) – you will be looking for the point of the conversation, and there won’t be one!

It’s just a chat, she is just getting things off her chest, she just needs a person to listen, there is no point and nothing to fix – and as much as the man might want to give advice or solve the problem – don’t.

Just listen, you can say things like, “Oh, then what happened – how did that make you feel? – do you know what you are going to do about it? – that must be very hard for you?”

Be there to just listen – “Shall I pour a glass of wine, and you can tell me about your day?”

Other times, there will be a point and an action required from you – to solve the problem or action her plan.

Perhaps, even, at the start of the interaction (smilingly) say, “Is this a listening or an actionable conversation?”

We may laugh at this – but these are powerful techniques to use if having a happy and loving relationship is important to you.

Let her know your dreams and plans, I am always shocked at how many plans men have that their partners are wholly or partially unaware of.

I will be going into a lot more detail about ways to understand and love each other in future videos – as we explore personality types, communication skills and core human needs.

I think it’s really worth couples working on their relationship, becoming a team, looking after and supporting each other – and not just leaving it down to luck or our unconscious childhood programming.

So, I am asking you to stop looking for evidence that they love you (which is really low self-esteem, the need for external validation) and start the process of loving them the way they want to be loved.

Their happiness is your goal – if fishing makes him happy, can it make you happy, that he’s happy when he goes fishing?

If she likes inviting her Mum over for dinner, can you be happy, that this is what she wants and enable it, rather than complain about it.

Or get a happy balance; agree that on the day he goes fishing, it aligns with the day her Mum comes over!

Whatever works for you both? When your partner’s happiness is your goal – they will love you for it.

If you are prepared to put the effort in to reprogram yourself, you can take this unconditional way of loving, to profoundly influential depths.

If you really love a person, then you shouldn’t be able to stop loving them, regardless of what they do.

You might need to put some boundaries in place – like saying, “If you did XYZ, I could not be with you, I would still love you, but here is the boundary and if you cross it (out of love for myself) this relationship will be over.

Even if they stop loving you, or have an affair (which isn’t personal), it’s about them, not you.

You can say, “I love you, I want you to be happy, be with them – because your happiness is important to me; besides, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.

This is self-esteem and unconditional love in action.

There are no conditions for my love, I will love you whatever you do. I may not be able to be with you – but I will always love you, and should we separate – we can do it lovingly.

I know I can process this pain out of me, I won’t let it get stuck as a trauma – I won’t get caught up in the drama or the stories – perhaps you may have rejected me, but I won’t reject or abandon myself.

My self-confidence knows I am a wonderful person, and that I will find love again with a person who does want to be with me.

Now, this is a whole new way of looking at love, loving yourself as much as you love them, maybe more – why not?

You ARE the centre of your Universe; you ARE the emotional centre of your own happiness.

The only person enabling or denying happiness within you – is you!!!

I’m just offering some new perspectives, in future videos; we will expand on how you might go about doing this.

Let’s now jump across and look a little into the word care – because I think this is often misinterpreted.

Should our identity be entwined with care – Like “I’m a caring person” which assumes, you will always be caring.

Or is caringness a behaviour that you can choose to turn on, or off, dependant on the situation that arises before you?

Is caring inspiring you and adding meaning to your life? Or does it drain and frustrate you that people may be taking advantage of you?

Remember video 16 – where we discussed the varying aspects of our personality?

Warriors tend to care by directing you, advising you and protecting you.

Nomads tend to care by cheering you up, entertaining you, distracting you from your worries.

And Settlers care by doing things for you, including you, supporting you emotionally and connecting with you.

Therefore, it might be worth exploring which character (warrior, settler or nomad?) are you delivering your caringness from, at that moment, and remember, none is right or wrong!

The warrior decided that the best way to care was to tell that person that they smelled and needed a shower.

The Settler decided they would buy them some gifts, which included a deodorant spray, and they hoped the person might get the message.

The nomad decided to not hang out with them, as they smelled too much.

So, by being aware of which character you decide to care from (in that moment) – becomes the only story in your mind you listen to – therefore, no internal conflict!

And if we were to try and put care into two descriptions like we did with love (the bit you see and the bit you feel).

Then care might be – proximity and pain.

If a person we don’t know, dies in another country – we might say,” I don’t care” they are a long way away, and it causes me no pain!

If our dog dies – he was close to us, and therefore we feel a lot of pain – and so, we really care about our dog.

But let’s break that down a bit more; care seems to be driven by; either how much positive desire and enjoyment we get from helping another (how much we really want to do something.)

Or from avoiding the pain, we might experience, if we don’t help that other person – which is another word for guilt – or going against the programming of how we think we OUGHT to behave.

Let me try and be clearer – are our caring type, thoughts and actions, driven by:

Positive emotional gain – we want to help that person, it’s our pleasure to care for them.

Or, from a programmed “I ought to” response, “it’s just what we do – I am a caring person – I can’t say no to a person in need – I never let people down.

In which case – we might feel bad (guilt) if we don’t do something or we may be driven to place conditions upon our care, like; “I’ll come over and help you if you stop doing XYZ.”

I think we can take this even further by just being aware of the type of care we are giving at any moment.

You might say, “I know I am doing this out of programming, so I will just accept that, do it, and not complain.”

Or, in this instance, I am too busy to help them, so I will say no, and just accept that this guilt I am feeling is just an emotion and I can let it pass through me.

Or, saying no to them is (of course) saying yes to me, my needs come before theirs, in this instance.

Another thing to look for is resentment or unfairness – if you resent doing that thing, for that person – then are you being genuinely caring?

Or are you doing what you think you ought to be doing – to avoid your feeling of pain, which we might call guilt, duty or are you even martyring yourself to receive some attention, some love?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying it is bad to be caring, quite the contrary, because if done well, it is an act of self-love, almost selfish (in a good way) – I am caring for them, I am doing for them because it makes me feel happy to do it.

But if it doesn’t – maybe you can explore what caring means to you?

Gary has another excellent technique I love, which is, to care, but not care. I care about you, but care not to get caught up in all your drama.

We can sit and listen to a person vent their fears and worries, but we don’t judge them, don’t tell them what they ought to do, don’t try to fix things, especially if they are not prepared to fix those things themselves.

But we create a warm space of acceptance, care and love, we love them for who they are, not who we might want them to be.

Remember, many people who need care, are unable (or unwilling) to change; therefore, they just need to feel listened to – and if we are offering solutions, then we are not listening to what they are saying.

We can care, but not care – I care for you, so I can sit here with you, listening to you – however, your problems are not mine.

I can only do what I can do – and what I can do, will vary from day to day, dependant on how tired I am, how much money I have, how many other things I want to do for myself.

Then, like Cathy, they’ll feel accepted, listened to – it’s a game-changer.

Anxious people, nearly always worry what other people think of them, this makes them feel responsible for the other person’s feelings and the outcomes in that other person’s life.

But, this is just the old program – running in the background of their old conditioned mind.

You can care, but not care. “I care about you, but this is not my responsibility, I accept whatever decision you decide to make, I won’t judge you, I am here for you, but I can’t run your life.”

So, my final comments, as we open this vast topic on love and care – are, can you love and care yourself?

Can you put yourself first? Can you see that the word ‘selfish’ is wholesome – when driven from self-respect?

It’s possible for you to be there for others when you chose to – and when you decide not to, that is fine too.

By being too caring, are we training that other person to, expect us to always be there – perhaps we need to occasionally say no, just to ‘realign’ the virtual reality story they have about us in their mind?

And very often we need a break from caring for others, so we can recharge our own batteries, revisit our beliefs and decide what we need for ourselves.

Then once we have a plan, once we are recharged – we can ask ourselves.

“How much of my total energy each day – can I afford to allocate to caring for others, in a way that inspires me, without impacting my own personal needs and wellbeing?

So, to your homework.

I’d like you to consider – what does love mean to you?

Do you love yourself?

If you don’t love yourself, that’s OK – but how can you stop being “unloving” to yourself?

Write down things you do, which are unloving to yourself – complaining, over- eating, denying yourself good experiences, putting others needs before yours (excluding children) berating yourself with your inner dialogue, not getting adequate sleep, and any other bad habits.

Ask yourself, am I letting people love me, do I put up barriers, do I sabotage myself?

Explore if you placing conditions on the – giving or receiving of your love? Explore if your partner knows how you want to receive love?

If you are single, ask yourself – what behaviours would my potential partner need to be seeing in me – to inspire them to want to be with me – then develop them.

If you say, “They will just have to accept me as I am” this is self-sabotage in action, before you even start.

And, here are a few clues, as to what a healthy potential partner might be looking for – calm, fun, gently confident, good self-esteem, OK with intimacy, playful, full of energy, loving and happy.

We are not looking for answers at this stage, we are taking an inventory of what’s going on, we are stepping back and looking at our self with new eyes, eyes of compassion – the eyes of the non-judgmental observer.

Stay out of the stories, just observe the programs – and start thinking positively about what might be possible as you continue to grow!