Letting Go of Self-Consciousness: Embracing Self-Awareness and Self-Love

Introduction to Overcoming Self-Consciousness

I’m John Glanvill, author of The Calmness in Mind Process for Overcoming Anxiety, OCD, and Depression.

So, how did you get on with the homework from my last video – exploring and documenting your needs hierarchy, values, beliefs, and intentions?

And remember, it’s not my problem (NMP) whether you do this or not. I don’t mind. I’m just offering you solutions that worked for me and many of my clients.

Addressing Self-Sabotage

But if you haven’t, perhaps spend a moment listening to what excuses, stories, or justifications your mind might be proposing to you about why you avoided taking action.

And perhaps consider these stories as a form of self-sabotage based on logic and reason, like I am too busy, don’t know what I want, or it’s too hard.

Or perhaps you started it, then unknowingly sabotaged yourself by not completing it.

Because these are the subtle forms of self-sabotage, I talked about in video thirty.

Overcoming Excuses for Action

Because if you want a calmer life, so what if you are too busy? Make some time.

So what if you don’t know what you want – pick something small and then aim for that until you do know what you want.

So what if it is too hard?

Perhaps we need to be more honest and say, “It’s not because it’s too hard – it’s because I’m too scared to do it…!” Because I think that’s often a more authentic assessment of the situation.

Reframing Perspectives for Mental Health

Back when I was caught up in all the mishegoss of my mental conditioning and programmed life, I wasn’t too fond of words like sneaky, ruthless, or cunning.

My brain had been domesticated to see those as bad approaches to life. Perhaps if my parents had been criminals, my mind might have been programmed to see them differently?

Adopting Positive Traits

But I changed. These days, I am ruthless about my mental health. I’m cunning with the sneaky way I consciously trick my body and reprogram my unconscious mind.

So, as I designed this course, I was sneaky, ruthless, and cunning because these perspectives can also be used in good ways.

I have sneakily made interesting – subjects that most people would instantly dismiss, like energy, the power of placebo, and looking at life in a more spiritual way.

I have cunningly tried to keep my audience at the edge of their comfort zone to expand their awareness, open their minds, and change their perspectives to allow more calmness and acceptance into their life.

But I’ve never knowingly lied, and I’ve tried to be ruthless and cunning with compassion, love, and empathy.

Encouraging a Shift in Focus

This course was constructed to bring you to this point, where I can make the following statement – and though you might not like it, you won’t run away – because something deep inside of you (the Self with the big S) knows what I am about to say is true, wants you to listen, then take action.

Stop focusing on your obsessions, rituals, distractions, addictions, unconscious thoughts, and perceived self-limitations!

Because these are squandering and wasting your precious life!

The Rider and Horse Metaphor

As the rider, lovingly look down upon your little horsey and watch how he cleverly uses logic, reason, excuses, guilt, family traditions, cultural influences, religious ideologies, sexual preferences, health principles, political opinions – all the programs that were unconsciously installed into his brain, at a young age, through his parental domestication, schooling, education, and early life experiences.

All of which formed his sense of self with the small (s).

Which feels so real. It feels like it is you. Yet, you are the Observer who’s watching it all happen. Watch as he struggles to remain on that same trajectory, doing those same old things, trying to keep pulling you back in.

Moving Toward New Directions

But from the perspective of the Self with a big (S), we are moving in new directions and severing those old energy-sapping restraints, which allows us to step out and explore who we might truly be.

Move your focus from what you don’t want – to what you do desire.

Applying the Model to OCD

Suppose we apply this to OCD?

Perhaps cleanliness or contamination OCD, where you need to wash something, clean something, keep this away from that, not let that touch this, only use this detergent, but not that chemical, because you have to stop this ‘feeling of contamination.’

Now… From the perspective of living a calm life.

And in the context of trusting the body’s natural immunity.

The content of fearing an ‘unspecified contamination’ is quite absurd.

But to the poor little self with the little (s), it feels so authentic, so it tries to warn you, it looks for evidence, it calibrates the RAS and the amygdala to be on red alert, constantly looking in the unsafe database for all the things that could go wrong and firing off at the tiniest pattern match.

Draining the body by repeatedly responding to all those erroneously released stress chemicals that seemingly make those thoughts feel true!

This further reinforces the notion that you are doing the right thing by defending against any potential attack, and controlling everything that can be controlled!

As you know, it’s exhausting…

But to the Self with the big (S), it’s ridiculous! Especially when those you love – don’t do that thing you do – yet they still remain safe and happy!

Might it even be funny? Ironic? It’s not that your virtual contamination story is saving them, but that your childish behaviours are distressing them!

Shifting to a New Dream

So, we must move our awareness out of the nightmare of obsessions and distractions – and into a new dream.

As I keep saying, (the model is straightforward) decide what you want and keep consciously, positively, and optimistically talking yourself into it – whilst ignoring any unconscious story that tries to talk you out of it.

Stop believing your old stories of who you are and what you think you can and can’t do! Become your own greatest advocate and cheerleader, be nice to yourself. Why not? I give you permission!

Are you making things difficult (out of habit) when you just don’t need to?

Living a Calmer Life

Leading a calmer life is all about – accepting what is happening around you in the now, deciding if it affects your intentions or not, and then acting accordingly with the minimum use of energy.

I just heard that our household waste collection wouldn’t be happening this week and will be delayed by a further two weeks.

Now, twenty years ago, that would have annoyed me. I would have run stories about what a lousy service it was, that because I pay for that service, I demand it to be better. What if rats come? What am I supposed to do with my trash until then? And more blah, blah, blah stories that would only further agitate me!

Adopting a Not-My-Problem Mindset

But these days, it’s not my problem. It’ll get sorted out. In fact, I see myself as very lucky that the service is there at all. Stupid me for expecting a state-run service to be operated effectively! How can we become more realistic rather than idealistic?

From the perspective of living a calm life – and in the context of my housing environment, this little bit of content can be more easily released or surrendered.

You might say that calmness is higher up in my hierarchy of needs than the actions of my local government!

Aligning Relationships with Values

Might the content of your relationship be irritating because, in the context of your relationship, you’re not aligned, with similar beliefs, intentions, and ideologies?

I hope you can see what I mean?

Managing Time and Social Media

It’s been about a year now – since I dropped most social media, especially Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, TikTok, and stuff like that.

Because, from the perspective of me getting on with my life, and the context of me using my time effectively, the content of me staring into a smartphone (to me) is a waste of precious time – unless I am learning or relaxing – rather than avoiding or procrastinating.

Evaluating Social Media’s Impact

It is obvious really – but we rarely step back and observe our perspectives, because we are so caught up in our content, and this is especially true with anxiety and OCD!

Now, I am not saying you should or shouldn’t be part of these platforms, but I’d like you to consider how much time you might spend each day (or night) on them – and is your unconscious mind comparing you with others and being influenced by all that online marketing?

Are fear and lack unconsciously being programmed into you? Or do you want to be retraining your own mind to be looking for opportunity, trust, optimism, beauty, and connection and other more positive perspectives?

That is not to say that horrible things aren’t happening in this world, but you don’t have to focus on them (unless you want to) – I try not to.

Or if I do, I can more easily detach from the emotional side of it, as it’s not my responsibility to fix it, as that’s what I pay my government to do, with my taxes – it’s their problem.

Now, whether they are any good at it or not, is a whole different question – and still not my problem, because I am getting on with my life either way.

Focusing on Personal Growth

It’s my responsibility to become the best me I can become and endeavour to push as much optimistic, high-energy love back out into the world. That’s the model I use.

How has your mind been trained? Pessimism or optimism? Will you keep dwelling on the past that has already gone or will you fear a future that hasn’t even happened?

From Self-Consciousness to Self-Awareness

So, I have called this video, moving from a feeling of self-consciousness to a feeling of Self-Awareness. From the self with the little (s) to the Self with the big (S) to use Dr David R Hawkins’s language.

Within myself, I find it very humbling to acknowledge that my mind only knows what it knows, what it was programmed to see, think, and believe!

So, for me, to think my mind will give me all the answers I require in life – would be seriously restricting and limiting myself.

Embracing a Broader Perspective

It’s from the amalgamation of what I know and what I am still to learn, combined with which actions I take in each moment – that will influence the unfolding of my life.

These days, I’m OK with a compass setting (a perspective) rather than having to know all the (content-level details) before I start something new.

It’s like my little eight-year-old, ego-mind thinks he’s clever and knows everything.

And, of course, if he thinks he knows everything then he’s stopped learning, he’s become close-minded, so why would I listen to an aspect of me that has stopped learning?

The Observer’s Wisdom

Can you see how – the very part that most people associate with as themselves, is the very thing that is often restricting them!

Whereas my Observer or my Soul – he’s not clever, he’s wise, there’s an old adage that says,

“The believer adjusts the truth to himself, whereas the seeker adjusts himself to the truth.”

And this other part of me says, “This is what I currently believe to be true, but I am very open to being influenced in new ways.”

And I won’t be afraid, even as my horsey ages and dies, because I choose to be fascinated and intrigued by the process that will happen anyway – therefore, what a great opportunity to learn.

Adopting a Zen Perspective

I know it’s all a bit ‘Zen’ – but this is the model that works for me. It’s like the phrase.

“There is no way to happiness – because happiness is the way.”

What a lovely perspective. But the ego tends to jump straight down the rabbit hole into all the details about how, why, and when… And misses the point entirely.

Whilst (at the same time), my Observer is chuckling to himself about the contradictions and ironies of life.

But that’s just me – and currently, the ego might win 40% of the time and my Observer 60%, but I can snap out of the ego games more quickly these days, let things go more easily, I can accept what is, much more – it’s a work in progress, and it’s one I desire to do.

Understanding Self-Consciousness

So, let’s talk about self-consciousness, feeling self-conscious, meaning feeling awkward in certain situations and worried about what others might think about you. Fearful of being judged or making mistakes, uncomfortable with how you look, what you wear, or say?

It’s a huge topic, and it affects almost everybody in one way or another!

Components of Self-Consciousness

To me, self-consciousness includes feelings of low self-esteem, shyness, jealousy, social awkwardness, not liking your body, feeling judged, or embarrassed in certain situations.

But that same word, self-consciousness, might also mean, being consciously aware of yourself, which of course is a good thing.

The same word describes both ends of a spectrum – the discomfort of self-consciousness and the wisdom of self-consciousness.

It’s a strange thing the English language – perhaps we might rename that second option to self-awareness?

Reducing Self-Consciousness Through Self-Awareness

Then we might say… Could we, by expanding our self-awareness (our respect for ourselves) by worrying less about what others may be thinking, can we decrease our self-consciousness?

Which is the degree to which, you stop being horrible to yourself and cease allowing other people’s words or behaviours to impact you negatively – by not taking them personally, letting go of unnecessary responsibility, or retraining them through your new behaviours.

Personal Reflections on Overcoming Self-Consciousness

Now, I’ve given this topic a lot of thought over the years because when I was young, I had painful and crippling self-consciousness.

I hated looking stupid, doing anything silly, fooling around, dancing, dressing up, or spontaneously trying new things. It was awful, and it was emotionally overwhelming!

But at the same time, on the few occasions I did get dragged out from my resistance, kicking and screaming into those moments, where I was forced to let my guard down, I often had lots of fun.

There was a huge conflict between the part of me trying to keep me safe and the part of me wanting to let go and have fun, further compounded by my (then) shyness, awkwardness, quietness, and introversion.

Personality Conflicts and Self-Consciousness

Using my language of today projected back then, my conditioned settler was scared of breaking the rules and looking silly, whilst my nomad was itching to have fun, and my warrior wanted to control everything!

It was no wonder I was in conflict, confused, and anxious.

Perhaps another way of describing self-consciousness is – how over-sensitive, self-absorbed, neurotic, or needing of external validation a person might be?

Reframing Shyness and Narcissism

Someone once told me that shyness is just a big case of narcissism, or over-the-top vanity! “What will they think of me? What if I mess up? What if they reject me?” It’s all about me, me, me…

And they went on to say – the shy or self-conscious person should just get over it, get over themselves, and realise that nobody is scrutinising them more than they are scrutinising themselves. Everybody has similar fears, and they should just get on with life.

And that, by not joining in and standing on the edge of life, are they, in fact, making themselves even more conspicuous to others – which is the very thing they fear!

Well, that’s harsh! However, I think there is quite a lot of truth in those statements – but that’s not usually how the shy person sees it!

Introversion vs. Extroversion

I think amongst anxious individuals, there is probably an 80/20 split between introverts and extroverts – whereby the introverts worry about what people might think of them. The extroverts worry about what might happen to others if they were to release their wild and adventurous side fully!

And I’ve also observed a marginal group of individuals that can flip-flop between introverted and extroverted. For example, they may love singing, dancing, having fun, not caring what anybody thinks, and getting lost in the moment.

Yet that same person might not ask a person out on a date or go for a job interview, fearing what another person may say or do – or some other negative story about their body or story of self.

Challenging Limiting Stories

I mentioned in an earlier video, a friend who was so adamant that she was never going to find the right partner to share her life, that she clung to the story that she was happier on her own, so she stopped dating.

By chance, a friend introduced her to someone so perfect for her, now she is the happiest and most fulfilled she has ever been, married for the first time at sixty, adores her expanded family, is fulfilled in her desire to care for someone and be cared for.

Be careful what stories you cling to – because there is a whole other world out there – that your ego may be stopping you from engaging with!

The Role of Inhibition and Spontaneity

Another pattern that just can’t be denied – is that if an anxious, shy, or self-conscious individual has a couple of alcoholic drinks, takes some drugs, or gets pulled into the spontaneous aliveness of a party and they let go, join in, chat, dance, and have fun. They often (in that moment) have a great time and pleasantly surprise themselves!

Which brings up the question, was it their natural state being expressed in that moment (the Self with a capital S) rather than the sober conditioned, self-conscious state of their protective ego identity, the self with a little s?

It’s as if the booze, drugs, or medicine – dampened down their ego’s stories and its need for control, and in that moment, they felt alive and free – true to be their unexplored state of just being in that moment.

Until the next day, when the ego came back online, with all the same old stories, telling them how bad they were, how they might have upset other people, looked foolish, and they should never do that again – but, in reality, in that moment, with no mind analysis – it was just fun.

Exploring Beneath the Ego

And this course is all about exploring who this new, less ego-dependent you might become. I am not saying you should take alcohol or drugs, but to explore what may reside beneath the conditioned negative and self-limiting stories you tell yourself – how can you let go more?

Here’s a pattern I see daily.

“What people seem to do is – dream about the future person they wish to be, but when that future becomes the present, find they are still their same selves.

So, they reminisce about how they may have been in the past.

Then waste precious time alternating between running stories about a time gone by and a non-existent, virtual reality future.”

Living in the Now

You might not like the present you, but it is only by changing this story of the present you, in the now, that you break this cycle of distraction and can explore who that new you might be.

Who will that new you be? How can you know until you become it?

I know I sound like a stuck record – but there is only now, and what is happening now – is what’s happening now – and how you act now is what will affect your life in new ways.

If you don’t talk to them, they probably won’t talk to you. If you don’t ask them out for a coffee, someone else will! If you don’t ask for a pay rise, somebody else will get it. If you don’t smile, people won’t smile back at you. If you don’t get involved with people, people won’t get involved with you. If you don’t move location, you’ll stay where you are.

And what stops you from doing these things? Often, it’s just an awkward feeling of self-consciousness, doubt, and fear.

Shaping Your Life Through Action

Can you see the simple but often overlooked perspective – that we make our own lives through the attitudes we have and the actions we take (or don’t) take right now?

It is us who are (unknowingly) training other people (and influencing life) on how to treat us!

Rather than waiting for life to treat us differently – we need to step up and treat life differently!

Understanding Embarrassment

Another word that pops up when we discuss self-consciousness is embarrassment.

Which the dictionary defines as, a feeling of self-consciousness, awkwardness, or shame.

The fear of embarrassing themselves may be debilitating to a self-conscious person, whereas to a confident extrovert, this may not even be a consideration.

Contextual Perspectives on Embarrassment

Why is that? How is it that, in the same scenario, two people can have completely opposing feelings and different stories about that same situation?

Which one is right and which is wrong? Well, as ever, it depends on the context. Is the context to avoid embarrassment, or is the context to just be your true self regardless of what others may think or feel?

The Locus of Control

So, if we are going to unravel this conundrum we have to revisit the topic of understanding where your Locus of Control resides.

The Locus of Control – refers to how comfortably individuals believe that they can control (or influence) things around them.

Internal Locus of Control

A person with an Internal Locus of Control (like me) believes they can do and be whatever they want, resulting primarily from their own thoughts, behaviours, and actions.

It’s as if – something inside them drives them forward, like the rider overriding the fearful horse.

External Locus of Control

Whereas a person with an External Locus of Control (such as a self-conscious person – like I used to be), believes that they are at the effect of life (and other people’s decisions), so they are restricted in what they think they can say and do.

Therefore, as a result of feeling out of control of life, they tend to need more reassurance. They are likely to keep checking things, obsessing about things, and engaging in ritual (or repetitive) behaviours (even if they feel silly) to feel a little more “in control” of a life they feel out of control of!

Rather than just aiming for what they want and making it happen, they believe that significant changes in their lives are down to luck, chance, fate, or what other individuals of power choose to do to help them.

Contrasting Mindsets

Whereas, the individual with an Internal Locus of Control will trust more, be more optimistic, and talk themselves into what they need, whereas the other group tend to talk themselves out of what they know they need.

Therefore, establishing and maintaining an Internal Locus of Control is essential – when you are ready to take control of your life.

Research on Locus of Control

Research proves that those with an External Locus of Control and a high need for control – experience more anxiety and depression than any other type of person.

This makes a lot of sense – because a strong need to control a world you feel out of control of – is obviously going to be fruitless and exhausting!

But it’s also important to acknowledge that the extent to which you believe you can control your life and your desirability to control life – aren’t the same thing.

Control Freaks and Productivity

Being a control freak, with an Internal Locus of Control, potentially may be very productive, for example, I might reference Elon Musk or Steve Jobs.

However, being a control freak with an External Locus of Control, means you will find yourself struggling, desiring a great deal of control over your life but – believing that you don’t have any!

Which, of course, is the trap of OCD, procrastination, and depression.

Shifting to an Internal Locus

However, the good news is – (as I have experienced) It is possible to move from an External to an Internal Locus of Control – through self-awareness, deciding what you want, trusting more, becoming optimistic, and developing a loving faith in yourself and an intelligent Universe that is on your side (assuming that you tell it what you want!)

Childish vs. Childlike Behaviours

Perhaps, another way of looking at self-consciousness is, are you being childish, i.e., worrying what others think, trying to avoid feeling silly, needing validation?

Are you being childish or childlike?

Or are you being childlike, swept up in the moment, trying new things, responding to what happens, being intrigued with life, having no negative story about yourself of what is right or wrong, following your emotions, and expressing your unique and natural self in any moment?

The Power of Playfulness

Now, as I have said before, another differentiator between those with self-consciousness and those more comfortable with themselves is – playfulness – the ability to engage with life, and others, for no other reason than it being fun or making you feel good!

Perhaps the word playfulness could also be termed as being less serious or letting go of the perceived need for control?

So, perhaps we could call self-consciousness an ego-based state, whereas self-awareness is the wizened state, which arises as the fearful ego becomes less dominant?

Facing Fears Through Action

Therefore, whatever makes you feel self-conscious, obviously, you need to start doing more of it, but with a different mindset.

If dancing makes you feel awkward, take some lessons, if taking lessons makes you feel awkward realise that everybody needed to start somewhere.

Plus, the best dancers just lose themselves in the music and because they are focusing on the music they are not worrying about what anybody else is thinking.

Choosing Comparisons Wisely

And realise too, that who you compare yourself to matters. If you are an introvert comparing yourself to an extrovert – is that a realistic comparison?

I mean, ultimately, I don’t want you to compare yourself with anybody, but if you must – compare yourself to the worst-performing person – doing what you are not doing.

Let me give you an example – if a group of friends are doing karaoke and you feel too self-conscious to join in – which of those who ARE joining in, is the worst singer or dancer?

And explore how you might stack up against them – or join in with that person because if they can laugh at themselves, you can too. Know this, there is much to be learned from those who are labelled as fools.

Courage in Vulnerability

You don’t have to be good at something to have fun, and sometimes being the fool actually makes you the most courageous of them all! As I keep saying feeling vulnerable but taking action is the definition of courage.

And, nomadic, self-expression, undoubtedly offers one of the fastest paths towards freedom from yourself – it’s just the way it works, so why not dive in?

Overcoming Feelings of Lack

Now then, self-consciousness also infers a feeling of lack, that you are insufficient in some way, that you lack something about yourself, be that some skill, physical attribute, looks, intelligence, or experience.

But know this, any story of lack, is just that, a story, from your childhood conditioned mind, which as we now know can be overwritten, with a new more favourable narrative – but nobody ever told you that was possible, but happy people do it every day.

Self-Acceptance and Growth

As I said in earlier videos, these days I’m OK being small, bald, and old. I like who I am, I like being nice to myself, why would I not be nice to myself?

But when I was younger it was a nightmare trying to be nice to myself, because I was always focusing on what others might think, and trying to live up to an unrealistic virtual reality story of who my perfectionist mind thought I ought to be.

What changed? My perspective did, I moved from the content of fearing what others might think and being judged, to the context of liking myself, being nice to myself, acceptance, self-respect, and the openness to try new things – regardless of what might happen.

Embracing Imperfection

These days, I expand (into) life rather than shrinking (away) from it. I know that if I mess up (and I often do) it’s OK, it’s natural, it’s just me pushing the boundaries of wanting to be a more expanded person.

And regardless of any outcome, I am still consciously nice to myself, I smile to myself (at least you tried John, well done!) Regardless of what my old conditioned ego may be nagging me with, in the background!

Personal Growth Through Action

But I need to be very honest here – there is still a voice in the back of my head that is self-conscious, I’m still an introvert, I still don’t like small talk, I still don’t like being the centre of attention, I still don’t like being the primary fool in any situation.

But these days, I can do these things, they are not natural to my core personality, they never will be, but they are skills I have learned – through leaning into the fear and taking action, with an optimistic, trusting, and self-loving perspective – and you can do the same.

Even though this is video 33 – I still don’t like standing here (but I still do it) and when it is all finished and uploaded, there’s a lovely feeling – fifty minutes of discomfort for a lifetime of achievement, I think that’s a fair deal.

Addressing Social Anxiety

OK. Another significant area where self-consciousness seems to emerge is with respect to social anxiety – which I think falls into three core categories.

Lack of Experience (Shyness)

Firstly, a lack of experience – which we might label as shyness.

Anxiety and OCD Sabotage

Secondly, your anxiety, OCD, or depression sabotaging you.

Complex Personality Overwhelm

And finally, having a complex personality which overwhelms you.

Overcoming Shyness Through Practice

That first group – lack of experience or the narcissistic feeling of shyness, is overcome by practising more – and doing the very thing that makes you feel uncomfortable – you talk to more people!

In the shop, at the bus stop, telephone your friends, talk to your neighbours – you become the person who starts conversations.

The more you do it – the easier it becomes. It’s called ERP – exposure and response prevention therapy – as I keep going on about – and it works!

So many, shy people say to me, I can’t do that because I’ve got nothing to say – as my life (or I) am really quite boring!

Well, that really saddens me, when a person thinks or talks that way.

Firstly, if your life is boring, is that what you want? Because there are a million things you could be doing with it!

Finding Interests to Share

One of my friends, he’s really interesting because he does lots of things, just last week he was telling me about the beekeeping, astronomy, and local history courses he was currently taking.

I said, “Are you going to become a beekeeper?” He said, “No, I am just fascinated with learning new things, they interest me!”

He’s an interesting guy because he does lots of things, therefore, he has lots of things to talk about!

So many shy or introverted people say to me “I am too shy to talk, or don’t know what to say.”

Mastering Small Talk

And it’s true that some people can talk the hind legs off a donkey, some people love small talk, and others like being quiet.

But my point is this – even if you don’t like small talk (or you are quiet) that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t practice becoming more open.

As I’ve said, I hate small talk, but I have learned how to do it – because it’s a useful tool to keep me integrated into society.

And times when I don’t want to talk, I just say, “Don’t mind me, I’m just quiet, but I love listening, can I just hang out with you guys?”

Conversational Strategies

I’d also like you to become aware, that it’s possible to keep a person talking for ages, especially about things that they are interested in – just using the words what, how, when, why, and who! Let me give you some examples.

“That’s interesting, what did you do next?”

“Wow, how did it make you feel? What else did they say?

“Mmm, what do you think you are going to do about it?”

“How did they respond? Who else might be interested?”

“What is it about that which really interests you?”

“What other plans do you have?”

You pretend to be interested in the other person (even if you are not) by asking questions on topics that person likes – regardless of your interest in them.

It’s obvious really, that people enjoy talking about what they are interested in.

So, even if, you don’t have much to say, you can still have long chats, just keep asking them questions about the things they love – their children, gardening, the news, motorbikes, or whatever – ask them, “What do you love doing?”

Building Emotional Connections

But know this, what people say is not that relevant, what’s important is that we are having an emotional connection with another person – and in doing so, we are expanding our capacity to feel more comfortable in social situations.

Addressing Anxiety and OCD Triggers

Now, the second group are those where – anxiety or OCD are overwhelming you with emotional triggers or negative stories that influence you away from social connections.

And here we just have to go back to the basics I have been talking about since video one!

These are the symptoms of your emotional exhaustion, the ways your ego is sabotaging you – and you need to focus on recharging your emotional battery (detailed in video 4), retraining your amygdala (video 8), releasing trapped trauma (video 15), and setting clearer intentions for your life – videos 32 part one and two.

Managing Complex Personalities

And the third group are those with complex personalities, where we ask, which of your characters has the social anxiety?

Is it your settler who’s been trained to be too agreeable and polite? Too nice you might say.

Is your loud, cheeky, and fun nomad being subdued?

Or has your dominant warrior, who just wishes to speak his mind been trained to hold back? Leaving you feeling angry, out of control, and without a voice.

Or some combination of them all? As I said in video 16 practice being one character at a time and in that moment be that character as best as you can – whilst the other two sit patiently on the sidelines waiting for the right time for them to come out.

Courage Through Repetition

So, self-consciousness is overcome through self-awareness, the conscious decision to engage with life without listening to your old programming.

Like everything I have been teaching, it’s not hard to understand – but it takes courage to do – and is well worth it in the long run!

Repetition, repetition, and more repetition of new behaviours with a more positive, optimistic, and trusting conscious self-dialogue!

The rider steps out boldly regardless of the little horsey’s thoughts or feelings as I detailed in video thirteen!

Thinking Feelingly: Desire Over Willpower

OK – next up, let me introduce you to another concept called ‘thinking feelingly’ – meaning to consider how what you are thinking – might make you feel.

And, is how you are thinking motivating you towards your intentions which ought to feel good – or trapping you in anxiety or fear, which will make you feel bad.

The Role of Desire

Somebody asked me recently how to improve their willpower, and I said, “Do you desire to do the thing you want more willpower for?” And they said, “not really.”

Can you see, that to desire something – automatically brings in willpower – desire always trumps willpower – this is why I keep asking you what you want to do, who you desire to become – what do you need to change?

Do you desire to be calm or are you trying to use willpower to avoid anxiety?

Lessons from Popular Culture

I was watching a fun entertainment series on Netflix recently called Lucifer. In it, the Devil is helping the LA Police department solve crimes.

And the Devil’s superpower is to stare into the person’s eyes, put them in a hypnotic trance, then asks them, “What do you desire?”

And they get all dreamy and say things like, I always wanted to run a dog shelter, or I always wanted to be a florist, or I only ever wanted to earn my father’s respect or to write a book, join the foreign legion – or whatever their true deepest desire was, hidden under all the stories of who their ego was trying to be.

Now, I really like that concept. If I could choose a superpower, that would be in my top three – along with being able to fly and to have fire breath.

Because (as a therapist) I am always asking people what they desire – and nine out of ten, will tell me about all the things they don’t want, rather than what they do want.

The Power of Thinking Feelingly

Well, to desire something is to think-feelingly, to think about what you want and to imagine how it might feel if you had it.

A thought, a feeling, and an intention – this is how everything on this planet ever got started.

First, a person had a thought, it felt good – so they moved towards making it happen, be it – baking a cake, building a rocket, planting some vegetables, or asking a person out for a coffee.

They ignored every thought in their mind – that was not in line with that intention or which attempted to talk them out of it.

Leveraging the Reticular Activating System

In fact, if they were smart, they would keep repeating that positive thought of intention and action over and over again – until our friend, the RAS, the Reticular Activating System in our brains (video 18) had adopted this as the new centre of attention for our unconscious mind to be focusing on.

And remember, running a good story in your mind tricks the body into releasing nice peptides and keeps it in the parasympathetic, rest, digest, and repair mode, which is perfect for our wellbeing.

Conclusion and Homework

So, your challenge – should you wish to accept it, is…

Can you think-feelingly about what you desire? And keep positively placebo-ing yourself into it?

I like the Steve Jobs quote, “Follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you want to become, everything else is secondary!”

Trusting Intuition

As I said in video thirty-one, intuition doesn’t come from your mind (fear comes from your mind). Intuition is a natural energy – a hidden non-verbal language that resides just beneath our main five senses which needs to be discovered, trusted, and developed.

It’s not by listening to the old stories in your mind that will free you, it’s by going down deeper within yourself, and learning how to trust more.

Living from Perspective and Context

So, in summary…

Can you move to live your life more from perspective and context, than content?

And what is the perspective, you desire to live your life from? Calmness, love, creativity, empowerment, connection, intimacy, education, family, culture, nature?

I’d like you to really consider – that it’s from what your mind doesn’t yet know, that your growth is most likely to arise from.

So, please, consciously keep an open mind, even though your unconscious ego thinks it knows everything, the truth is… It doesn’t!

Self-Reflection Questions

How might we become more humble and say, “You know what, I really don’t know, let me try something new, just to see what happens!”

Are your thoughts and behaviours childish or childlike? Because these behaviours are poles apart!

If you have social anxiety – does it come from a lack of experience, sabotage, or your complex personality? And what are you going to do about it?

Can you explore instigating conversations and keep them going by using the words who, what, when, why, and how?

And finally, can you Think-Feelingly? Can you swap willpower for desire?

What do you desire?

Homework Assignments

And your homework…

Did you complete and print out your needs hierarchy, your values and beliefs definition document, and your ninety-day intention plan from the last video?

If you did – I’d like you to enjoy the feeling of smugness that is currently washing over you and gently direct that positive energy into making what you desire happen.

And If you didn’t, don’t beat yourself up, because you can always, do it now – ask yourself, “What one decision or action in my life, can I take right now, that will propel me towards the life I desire to live?”

Closing Encouragement

You guys are the best. I love you all – and thank you for being part of this dream of mine, for making action, optimism, trust, and love the fundamental concepts we use to build our new lives.