Setting Boundaries of Responsibility: How Nice People Can Reduce Anxiety and Reclaim Calmness

By John Glanvill, Author of The Calmness in Mind Process for Overcoming Anxiety, OCD, and Depression

I’m John Glanvill, author of The Calmness in Mind Process for Overcoming Anxiety, OCD, and Depression. Welcome to video forty-seven in my Calmness in Mind series, where we explore common-sense solutions for a calmer life. In this article, titled Boundaries of Responsibility: The Dilemma of Being a Nice Person and Doing the Right Thing!, I delve into how intelligent, driven individuals can reduce anxiety by setting clear boundaries of responsibility. By understanding where your responsibilities lie, you can let go of unnecessary worry, conserve energy, and embrace a calmer, more authentic life. Visit www.calmnessinmind.com for more resources on overcoming anxiety, OCD, and depression.

The Burden of Responsibility in Intelligent, Complex Personalities

If I were to ask my brain to use its unconscious database recording and pattern-matching skills to analyse the many thousands of intelligent (yet anxious) people I’ve worked with, here’s what it would report. Intelligent individuals with complex personalities and a desire to make a difference or engage with the world are more likely to develop complex anxiety than those who are less intelligent with simpler personalities.

These people, whether they realise it or not, help evolve the human race through their deep thinking, creative imagination, passion, and inner drive. They contribute through travelling, teaching, building companies, raising families, having fun, and creating strong, supportive communities. However, the world doesn’t always support those striving for positive change or those using common sense to simplify outdated traditions or bureaucracy.

These complex personalities feel an inner sense of responsibility to act, while less responsible individuals add to their burden, and societal structures, like government, limit their freedom to take responsibility for themselves. My brain would also note that these individuals often struggle to depend on others. It’s not necessarily a lack of trust, but a belief that doing things themselves is quicker or more effective, ensuring outcomes align with their high standards.

This willingness to help is admirable, but when overdeveloped, it can lead to obsessive or controlling behaviours. Though well-intentioned, these actions may seem overbearing to less responsible people. These individuals likely take charge to be liked, help others, add value, make a difference, and feel good about themselves. They often feel different, awkward, excessively prone to worry, and seek security, certainty, and reassurance to avoid conflict. They describe themselves as doubtful, indecisive, fearful, tired, confused, frustrated, overwhelmed, and angry.

They feel driven to do what they believe is ‘right’ for themselves and others, but being themselves is exhausting due to the complexity and weight of their responsibilities. Ironically, in about 80% of cases, these anxious individuals are competent in emergencies, becoming the go-to person for advice or assistance.

Why Anxious People Excel in Emergencies

How can an anxious, doubtful, conflict-averse person be effective in emergencies? The answer lies in the shift from overthinking to instinct. During imminent danger, these individuals stop ‘thinking’ and rely on ‘feeling’, ‘knowing’, or ‘intuiting’ what’s right for the situation. Their brains don’t doubt or overanalyse; their natural dominance emerges, guided by common sense or the energy of nature. They trust themselves instinctively, shifting from their conditioned, logical left brain to innate, unconscious responses.

This behaviour reveals a paradox: when everything is fine, they worry and feel anxious, but when things go wrong, they step up and take charge. They do this because they care, and they care because they feel responsible. This sense of responsibility drives them to go the extra mile for agreeable outcomes for themselves and those they feel accountable for.

Setting Boundaries to Reduce Anxiety

In this article, I explore how to become consciously aware of your boundaries of responsibility. This awareness allows you to let go of worrying about things you can’t control or aren’t responsible for, and to discern where to place your attention, time, and energy. I’m not suggesting you become cold or heartless, but rather follow Shakespeare’s advice: “To thine own self be true.”

Are you taking responsibility for others’ happiness, your extended family, workplace outcomes, the plight of animals, climate change, inflation, or wars—things not directly your responsibility? If they were, you’d be a politician, carer, inventor, manufacturer, or activist taking action. If you care but can’t change these issues, consider temporarily releasing your sense of obligation to preserve your peace of mind. Focus on saving energy, recharging, and becoming the ‘new you’ discussed in this course.

Even if you feel some responsibility for an issue, if you’re doing your best with the time and resources available, can you accept that and detach from further emotional burden? Just because something bad is happening, do you need to feel bad, especially if you’ve done all you can or chosen to do nothing? Can you cultivate calm, non-emotional, detached yet honest compassion without guilt for things you didn’t cause or can’t control?

Balancing Professional Boundaries and Human Connection

Many of my clients have become close friends because we spoke honestly about our lives. They related to my mental health struggles, and my stories of shifting from pessimism to optimism and doubt to trust resonated with them. However, as a therapist in training, I was taught to maintain professional boundaries: no personal information, no personal relationships, maintain a professional demeanour, and avoid physical contact like hugging. These were my responsibilities.

My logical left brain understood, but my right-brain essence, instinct, heart, and soul found these rules irrational. Sharing my experiences proved I understood my clients, and comforting someone in distress felt like the right, human thing to do. Western culture often over-conditions our logical brains with stories about who we should be, what we should do, and what’s right or wrong, leading to an idealised, programmed sense of responsibility.

So, I ask you to consider where your boundaries of responsibility lie—not just in family, work, relationships, or community, but for your physical and mental health, happiness, and life experience. Initially, I felt responsible for helping every client, measuring my success by their recovery. I soon learned only 20% were willing to put in the effort to change. The other 80% wanted a quick fix without exposure therapy or were coerced into therapy by exasperated family members.

I had to set boundaries for my own mental health. I decided to only work with clients sent by others if I could also work with the referrer, usually the primary carer, to align their support with my process. This shocked some carers when they realised they might contribute to the client’s issues. I began telling potential clients my work was truthful, blunt, and required soul-searching and homework. If they weren’t ready, I wasn’t the right therapist.

My strategy was to attract interesting, motivated clients for my own well-being and deter those playing the victim card or in environments resistant to change. I used the tagline, “Sensible help for intelligent people who want to change,” on my website to signal my intentions. When argumentative or incompatible clients contacted me, I’d say I was fully booked and refer them elsewhere, even if it wasn’t entirely true. This ‘lie’ protected my emotional health.

Years later, another therapist thanked me for referrals but sought a session because her clients weren’t improving. I admitted I sent her clients I didn’t want to work with because they didn’t ‘feel’ right. She found them resistant to change, validating my intuition. I explained that I tell clients it’s not my responsibility to fix them—that’s their job. My responsibility is to be present, high-energy, optimistic, educated, and provide tools for self-change.

She felt compelled to help everyone, never turning anyone away. I clarified that my approach was about setting clear boundaries so clients could make informed decisions. I only needed the headlines of their traumas, not details, to avoid reinforcing old patterns or triggering my emotions, which could hinder objective responses.

The Trap of Reliving Past Traumas

Constantly rerunning trauma stories spirals into loops of thinking and emotions, exhausting the intellect as it tries to make sense of something inherently senseless. Yes, the trauma was horrible, unfair, and shouldn’t have happened, but years later, reliving these stories is like self-abuse. For some, realising they’re perpetuating their own suffering by clinging to outdated identities can be empowering. Forgiving others or oneself stops this cycle of guilt, shame, and regret, which is like walking through treacle—cloying, destructive, and purposeless.

You can be an empath without absorbing others’ pain. By setting boundaries, you can resist having your energy drained while remaining compassionate and helpful. As a high-energy person with a discharged atomic energy battery and a charged emotional battery, you can share your vitality. Initially, this honest interaction felt brutal due to my childhood conditioning as a nice, people-pleasing person. Over time, exposure therapy made speaking my truth natural, running as an unconscious program. I no longer do things I don’t believe in, even if others disagree, calmly standing my ground.

The Power of Truth and Responsibility

Evaluating your boundaries of responsibility helps you speak your truth, training others to treat you differently. Truth isn’t just a thought; it’s a core feeling aligned with intuition. When others know how you feel, interactions are grounded in truth, which feels right. I’m not saying you should adopt my approach, but consider what works for you. For me, re-engaging my suppressed dominance and playfulness felt natural, requiring no left-brain justification.

There’s a strong correlation between responsibility and truth, influenced by what feels right, not what your programmed brain thinks is right. For anxious people, feelings can be overwhelming, but using ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) techniques recalibrates emotions. Examining what you’re prepared to take responsibility for and speaking honestly reduces stress, saves energy, recharges your batteries, and communicates your desires effectively.

Others sense your calmness, love, and integrity, responding to your higher energy frequency beneath their logical brain’s justifications. Meditate on what ‘truth’ means to you, how it can be tested, and why your left brain holds it as solid. Truth requires context, as every moment is unique. Instead of living up to others’ definitions, find your inner truth. Who do you wish to become, and what new truths can make your inner reality more beautiful?

Reframing Your Inner Reality

In video 45, I said my reality is my inner reality, and my primary intention is to make it calm and beautiful using every technique available. Even if it’s a ‘fib’, lying to myself with integrity and love can reprogram my unconscious to adopt new, optimistic stories. This course is about finding calmness by understanding who you are, defining who you want to become, retraining your brain and body, and setting precise intentions. How might your truth be defined from this new perspective? It’s not about clinging to old stories but letting go and trying new things.

Consider statements like:

• “If I don’t do it, nobody else will.”

• “They can’t manage on their own.”

• “It’s just who I am.”

• “It’s hard for me to say no.”

• “Our family has always done it that way.”

These may be partially true, but not wholly. If you don’t do it, someone else might, differently. Let others manage to discover their capabilities. Is who you are who you must be? Why is saying no hard? Perhaps you’re taking responsibility for things not truly yours. Family traditions may be sentimental habits—consider what new behaviours you’d want your daughter to pass on.

Many dramas can be eased by defining where your responsibilities start and end, then communicating this honestly. The phrase, “Saying no to them is saying yes to yourself,” shifted my perspective. Figures like Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and Nelson Mandela were ordinary people who did extraordinary things by following their truth, taking responsibility, and acting with common sense, love, and honesty, leaving a lasting impact.

The Role of Selfishness in Change

In any journey of change, make time to selfishly prioritise your needs. If ‘selfish’ feels uncomfortable, meditate on it. When someone calls you selfish, they may want your attention on them, revealing their neediness or narcissism. Being selfish to find calmness, wellness, and direction allows you to support those you choose to be responsible for.

With my partner Jen, though her happiness is her responsibility, I choose to create an environment conducive to her well-being. I take responsibility for what I can influence, checking in to ensure my behaviours align with her needs and expressing what I need for my happiness. I take full responsibility for actions towards my intentions—learning, building a home, earning money, socialising, and creativity—but not their outcomes, as those are uncontrollable.

I’ve stopped listening to my brain’s ‘ought to’ commands, recognising them as outdated programs. Anxious people often wait for certainty before acting, but contemplating boundaries of responsibility reduces what you need to do or worry about. Our left brain’s addiction to facts and certainty, rooted in Western schooling’s emphasis on memory and rigid application, contrasts with emotional intelligence (EQ). EQ involves managing emotions, relieving stress, communicating clearly, empathising, and resolving conflicts positively.

Balancing IQ and EQ for Calmness

Intelligence spans from academic professors to street-smart shopkeepers, both requiring skill. One manipulates data within nature’s laws, the other navigates unpredictable human emotions. Combining high IQ and EQ, like an introverted scientist learning social skills, enhances effectiveness. In The Big Bang Theory, Leonard (high IQ) and Penny (high EQ) learn from each other, balancing thinking and feeling. About 80% of my clients have high IQ and EQ, but balancing these competing modalities is key to well-being. Only 20% do the intense work required.

Why do some succeed while others don’t? The successful 20% get brutally honest about who they want to become, what they’ll tolerate, and what needs to change. They ask: Are you ready to change? Is it the right time? Are you prioritising others over yourself? Are you unwilling to leave a bad job or relationship? Honesty may reveal you’re not ready, which is liberating—you can accept your current state and choose not to change for now.

The 80/20 Rule and Personality Types

In video 16, I discussed DNA birth personalities: Warrior, Settler, and Nomad. Among two-year-olds, 80% are Warriors or Nomads—dominant or playful—while 20% are sensitive Settlers. By sixteen, after domestication, 80% identify as Settlers, with only 20% retaining Warrior or Nomad traits, often with fewer mental health issues. Of the 80% conditioned Settlers, 20% develop anxiety from disempowered Warriors, bored Nomads, or excessive responsibility for others’ protection or happiness, suppressing their true desires.

Nature’s 80/20 ratio, or Pareto’s Law, appears everywhere: 20% of people own 80% of land, 20% of athletes win 80% of the time, 80% of revenue comes from 20% of customers. In my company, 80% of questions come from 20% of clients, and 20% watch 80% of my videos. The successful 20% are radically honest about their goals and boundaries.

The TIARA Model for Taking Responsibility

To break the conditioned Settler mindset, use my TIARA model:

• Triggers: Are you desensitising triggers that pull you into fear and prevent action?

• Intentions: Have you decided what you want to do or who you want to become?

• Actions: Are you taking actions towards those intentions?

• Responsibility: Are you taking responsibility for your life, or deferring to others?

• Accountability: Are you making yourself accountable by sharing plans, asking for help, or taking leaps of faith, like leaving a toxic job or returning to work as the new you?

Can you sincerely say you’re doing everything feasible for your future? If you’re procrastinating or distracted, acknowledge it. If you’d rather relinquish responsibilities for now, that’s valid—choose to conform temporarily, recharge, and try again later. Admitting you’re not ready is liberating. You’re not yet a Queen wearing the crown of responsibility; you’re a Princess with a choice: enjoy being a Princess, letting go of control, or transition to a Queen, taking responsibility for your life.

From Princess to Queen, Prince to King

The Princess-to-Queen or Prince-to-King metaphor reflects the Soul’s ability to distinguish naive, ego-driven thoughts from solid, truth-based ones. The Princess explores who she is; the Queen knows herself, speaks truthfully, and takes responsibility for her actions while respecting others’ autonomy. Governing your inner reality ensures all is well, regardless of external circumstances. My life transformed when my King took charge, replacing the ego-susceptible Prince caught in left-brain thinking.

Rewatch videos 16, 29, and 32 (parts one and two) to explore truth and responsibility. Will you remain a Prince or do the hard work to become a King? Will you be a Settler Queen with a hint of Warrior, a Warrior Queen of integrity, or a Nomad Queen living in the moment, inspiring joy? Only you can decide—it’s your life, dream, and responsibility.

Becoming a Good Person, Not Just a Nice One

My life improved when I stopped trying to be a nice person and became a good person, realising there’s no right or wrong way to do anything. Each moment and person is unique. Beneath my conditioned left-brain thinking is nature’s energy field, intuitively guiding me if I trust it. Consider these ideas to define your boundaries of responsibility, speak your truth, and find calmness.