Do you know your boundaries of responsibility?

Setting Boundaries of Responsibility: How Nice People Can Reduce Anxiety and Reclaim Calmness

I’m John Glanvill, author of The Calmness in Mind Process for Overcoming Anxiety, OCD and Depression.

Welcome – I’m John Glanvill, and this is video forty-seven in my Calmness in Mind series, where we explore common-sense solutions for your calmer life.

I’ve called this video “Boundaries of Responsibility: The Dilemma of Being a Nice Person and Doing the Right Thing!”

If I were to ask my body’s brain to use its unconscious database recording and pattern-matching skills to analyse the many thousands of intelligent (yet anxious) people I’ve worked with – here are some of the things it would report back to me.

It would say that intelligent individuals with complex personalities and a desire to make a difference (or engage with) the world – are more likely to develop complex anxiety than those who are less intelligent and have a more straightforward personality.

Those people (whether they realise it or not) are the ones that are helping to evolve the human race through their deep thinking, creative imagination, passion and inner drive.

Be that through travelling, teaching, building companies, raising families, having fun and building strong supportive communities.

But, unfortunately, the world we live in doesn’t always support those who strive to make positive changes or those who simply want to use common sense to simplify outdated traditions or bureaucracy.

These complex personalities feel they have an inner sense of responsibility to do something – whilst all around them, less responsible people add to their burden and the government limits their freedom to be able to take responsibility for themselves and their actions.

Other comments it would report back to my conscious mind, so my observer could become aware of it on my mind screen – would be that they often experienced difficulty depending on others – it’s not that they didn’t (necessarily) trust others, but it was quicker or more efficient to do things themselves so they could ensure things were done as effectively as they wished them to be.

I suppose (at one level) this usefulness and willingness to help is a good thing, but if that need were to become overdeveloped, it may lead to obsessive or controlling behaviours (based on good intentions) but that just get a bit out of control – especially when viewed from a less responsible person’s perspective.

I presume these dominant and controlling actions enabled them to do things well, so they’d be liked, could help others, be of value, make a difference and feel good about themselves.

These people often told me, they felt a bit different from others, sometimes awkward, more excessively prone to worry and (where possible) they tried to avoid conflict by seeking security, certainty, and reassurance.

Phrases they would use to describe themselves included, doubtful, indecisive, fearful, tired, confused, frustrated, overwhelmed and angry.

They felt driven to do what they believed was ‘right’ (whatever that was) for themselves and those around them – and that just being themselves was an exhausting experience – because it was so complicated and had so many responsibilities.

But, ironically, in about 80% of instances, that anxious person was usually competent in an emergency situation, or the type of person that others would turn to for advice or assistance.

Now, that really fascinated me.

How could an anxious, doubtful and worried person, who dislikes conflict, be effective (and take control) in an emergency situation?

Well, I believe the answer is quite simple, it’s during moments of imminent danger or emergency, these individuals are forced to stop ‘thinking’ and instead, instinctively ‘feel’ – or just ‘know’ – or ‘intuit’ – what is right for that unique situation – their brains (momentarily) don’t have to doubt themselves or talk themselves into (or out of) taking action and their natural dominance arises.

They shift away from their highly conditioned (and over-developed) conscious ‘what if’ logical thinking brain and revert to their more natural innate unconscious responses.

It could be said that they trusted themselves instinctually in those moments – common sense or the energy of nature guided them to the appropriate, responses.  

However, can you see the folly of this behaviour? When everything is OK they worry and get anxious, yet when everything goes wrong they step up and sort things out! 

And, I think these people step up because they care, and they care because they feel responsible, and because they feel responsible they go the extra mile to try and get agreeable outcomes for themselves and those they feel responsible for.

So, in this video, I am exploring how you might become more consciously aware of where your chosen boundaries of responsibility are – because it will offer you the opportunity to let go of worrying about things that you are not responsible for or can’t control. 

You’ll also be able to become more discerning of where you willingly choose to place your attention and use your valuable resources of time and energy each day.

I’m not suggesting that you become cold and heartless, but I do like Shakespeare’s advice, “To thine own self be true.”

Are you taking responsibility for other people’s happiness, your extended family, outcomes at work, the plight of animals, climate change, inflation and wars – or the other things that are just not your direct responsibility?

 Because, if they were your responsibility, you’d be a politician, a carer, an inventor, a manufacturer or an activist – out doing what needs to be done.

And if you care, but cannot change those things, (though they hold significance for you), might it be beneficial for your peace of mind to temporarily release your sense of obligation and set those matters aside until you can revisit them later?

So you can spend time now working on saving your energy, recharging your system and becoming the (new you) we have talked so much about during this course.

Or even if you do feel some responsibility for an issue – if you are doing your best for it (given how much time and resources you have) – can you accept that and detach from any further emotional burden?

What I mean is, just because that bad thing is happening, do you need to feel bad, especially if you have done all you can do – or even if you have chosen to do nothing?

Could you learn how to have calm, non-emotional, detached (yet) honest compassion without the associated virtual guilt from feeling responsible for something you didn’t do or can’t control? 

Let me give you some examples – many of my clients have, over time, become close friends, and we share a deep and enduring bond because we spoke honestly about each other’s lives.

I think they became my friends because I was honest with them, and they ‘felt’ they could be honest with me.

When I told them about my mental health issues, I think they related to what I was saying, and as I told them my stories of what I learned and how I changed my attitudes, beliefs, intentions, and the stories I told myself about myself – and how I switched from pessimism to optimism and doubt to trust – they told me that what I was saying – just ‘felt’ right.

However, as a therapist in training, I was instructed to maintain professional boundaries with clients. This included refraining from sharing personal information, avoiding personal relationships, keeping a professional demeanour, and avoiding physical contact such as hugging. I was told it was my responsibility to adhere to these guidelines.

My left brain and logical intellect could understand what they were saying but my, right brain essence, instinct, heart and Soul thought those responsibilities to be irrational, as it was from my experiences that I could prove I understood them and if a person in front of me was in distress (surely) it was the right (and human thing) to hug and comfort them.

It seems (to me) that in Western cultures, the logical and rational (intellectual) parts of our brains seem to have been deeply over-conditioned with stories about who we ought to be, what we ought to do, what is right or wrong, true or false – and this causes our sense of responsibility to be far more idealised (and programmed) than perhaps it needs to be.

So, I am asking you to consider, where your boundaries of responsibility might lie. And not just within your family, job, relationships and community – how much responsibility will you accept for your own physical and mental health, for your happiness, and basically, your whole life experience?

When I first became a therapist I felt it was my responsibility to help everybody. And in my nievity, I thought the measure of my success was how well that person became after working with me.

However, I soon learnt that only about 20% of clients were actually prepared to put in the required effort to become a new person.

The other 80% wanted me to fix them (but seemingly) without them having to do the exposure therapy work, or they were being forced to see me by a family member who was at the end of their emotional tether.

So, after a few years, I had to ask myself where I would set the boundaries of my responsibility – what I would accept and what I would not accept so my own mental health and happiness could be managed.

For example, I decided to only work with people being sent to me if I could also work with the person who sent them too, as usually they were the primary carer and I needed them to offer new forms of care and reassurance in line with the process I was teaching.

Now, this really shocked a lot of carers when they discovered that to some degree they may be the cause or a contributing factor to the first person’s issues.

I then began telling potential clients upon first contact that my work was very truthful, which might feel a bit blunt and in your face and it required a lot of Soul searching and homework, and if they weren’t prepared to do that work, then I was probably the wrong therapist for them.

 My strategy (for my own well-being) was to attract clients who were interesting and willing to put in the effort, as it would be more stimulating and fulfilling for me.

And additionally, I aimed to deter clients who tended to play the victim card or whose living environment would make it difficult for them to ever change – as these clients would be exhausting to work with, thus bad for my health.

So I used the tagline, “Sensible help for intelligent people who want to change”, on my website to broadcast my intentions to potential clients.

When argumentative, boring or victim-type clients called me (or if I just ‘felt’ like I didn’t connect with them), I would tell them that I was fully booked and refer them to another local therapist.

And I think this is a good example of where the truth can sometimes be a lie – it was a lie that I was fully booked, however, it was being true to my emotional health to not work with them.

After a couple of years, that other therapist rang me up to thank me for all the referrals I had given her and she asked if she could have a session with me because – though she believed she was a good therapist, she wasn’t seeing the changes she expected in her clients.

When she was in my office I told her that I’d only been sending the people I didn’t want to work with to her and she said, “How could I have known what they would be like if I hadn’t worked with them?”

And when I told her that – they just didn’t ‘feel’ right for me, and she said, “That’s not very scientific”, but when I asked her how they had been, she said, “They were very difficult clients who resisted change.”

So, I explained to her that, whenever I took on a new client, I always told them, it’s not my responsibility to fix you; that’s your responsibility.

But it was my responsibility to be present, high energy, happy and optimistic, educated and prepared, and to help you understand yourself and give you the appropriate tools and techniques that will allow you to change yourself.

And she said, “That is so different from me, I feel it’s my responsibility to help everybody who calls me, I’ve never turned anybody away.”

So, I went on to explain that, though some people didn’t like to hear this – all I was doing, was telling the truth about my self-defined boundaries of responsibility so they could make decisions based on facts, not assumptions.

I would also tell them that I only required the headlines from their traumas, not the details because, I didn’t want them to be rerunning those old stories, because that would only reinforce those old thought patterns – and I certainly didn’t want their traumas to be visualised within my brain which would likely trigger my emotions and detract me from objective responses.

Constantly rerunning stories of past traumas often quickly cycle out of control into loops of thinking and their corresponding emotions – which the intellect (then) tries to make sense of – but the truth is, (at one level) there is nothing to make sense of.

Yes, that bad thing happened – yes, it was horrible, – yes, it was unfair, – yes, it shouldn’t have happened – yes, they should have known better, – yes, it was not your fault…

But here we are five, ten, twenty years later still unconsciously abusing ourselves with the same old stories and getting the same old emotions, and asking the same old questions – and it’s exhausting.

And for some people, when they are ready, it can be empowering for them to wake up to the fact that (maybe) the bigger abuse was the one they are doing to themselves each day by (clinging to and) reliving these past stories and identifying with the ‘out of date’ associated sense of self, derived from them.

Obviously, I am not condoning any bad traumas that were inflicted upon you, however, the reason we can now choose to forgive people (or ourselves) is that it’s time to stop abusing ourselves with past stories of guilt, shame and regret.

Revisiting or constantly experiencing those heavy emotions is like walking through treacle, it’s cloying, destructive, exhausting and serves no purpose.

These days I truly believe you can be an empath and a sensitive person without having to ‘feel’ or experience another person’s pain. I’ve found it’s possible to define a boundary of responsibility within oneself where you can resist having your energy drawn from you but still be present, compassionate and helpful.

At the other end of the scale, if you can become a high-energy person with a discharged atomic energy battery and a fully charged emotional energy battery, it might be your pleasure to share your energising life force with them.

Initially, I had to fight my inner resistance to this (seemingly) brutal form of honest interaction, because so much of my childhood domestication was to be a nice, helpful people-pleaser, who followed the rules.

However, over time, this ‘being honest’ exposure therapy became easier as my new belief systems rolled over into becoming automated programs that just ran from my unconscious brain.

I just naturally told my truth in each moment of each day to the best of my abilities and I didn’t let out-of-date stories of who I ought to be, or what I thought I ought to do – cloud my judgement.

So much so, these days, I would think it ridiculous to do something I didn’t believe in or didn’t want to do.

Even if everybody around me was doing one thing, if my inner truth was different, or I ‘felt’ it was wrong I would calmly and politely stand my ground (to the best of my ability), and this exposure therapy taught me how to speak my common sense truth and ignore the old conditioned stories of my brain and those around me.

And I wasn’t doing these things to change others, I was just learning how to live my life in line with my truths as I had defined them to be (as an adult) rather than living from the ones that were programmed into my brain as a child.

Therefore, evaluating your boundaries of responsibility will help you to (find and) speak your truth, which will, over time train others to treat you differently.

Because if others really know how you feel then at least one-half of that interaction is based in truth and the truth normally ‘feels’ right – and (it seems to me) that truth is not a thought, it’s a core feeling deep inside – an energy aligned with our intuition.

Now, I’m not saying you should do what I do, and I’m not even saying this is the truth of anything, I’m just describing a model that worked well for me, and asking you – what can you try for yourself?

And because we are all different – we’ll each have differing realisations. As I did this work I found that my natural dominance and playfulness which (for some reason) had been suppressed as a child could now be re-engaged with – and it ‘felt’ surprisingly natural.

See, there’s that word again, it ‘felt right’. I didn’t need lots of left-brain logic and reason to justify a behaviour that just felt right.

Could I be true to myself without having to justify it to myself with logic and reason from my over-developed left-brain intellect?

I could be happy just because I decided to be, to say no, just because it felt right at that moment, to love fully without needing anything in return – and to not have to analyse each moment, or live up to some conditioned story of who I thought I ought to be?

 So, I believe there’s a strong correlation between responsibility and truth, and both are deeply influenced by what you ‘feel to be right’ not necessarily what your programmed brain ‘thinks’ to be right.

 Of course, in the beginning, this is hard, because, for many anxious people, their feelings are scary and overwhelming, however, as they step into their truth and use the ERP techniques I teach, emotions can rapidly recalibrate.

Therefore, by examining what you are prepared to take responsibility for, and by speaking with honesty to yourself and others (though hard initially) ultimately it makes life a lot less stressful, saves energy, recharges your batteries and it enables you to communicate your true desires more effectively to those around you.

And people begin to ‘sense you’ differently and respond differently to you – because their bubble of energy, when it interacts with your bubble of energy senses calmness, love, fun and integrity and it becomes energised by that higher frequency which affects how their brain responds back to you – and all this happens beneath the overdeveloped left brain intellect which is trying to justify and understand what it thinks to be correct, or true!

I think it’s a valuable contemplation to sit and meditate on what the word truth means to you, or what the right thing to do is – or how truth can even be proved or tested, yet our left brain logic holds truth as a solid concept.

I think that at best you’d need to define clear perspectives, contexts and the content of a situation to elicit the truth from that orientation of that particular happening – because every moment in life is different.

So, rather than wasting your life trying to understand and live up to somebody else’s definition of truth – why not go inside your head and find your own ‘inner truth.’

 Who do you wish to become – and what do you wish to do? And which new truths might you tell yourself for your new inner reality to become more beautiful?

 Do you remember, in video 45, where I said that, (for me), my reality was my ‘inner reality’ and that my primary intention for my life was to make that inner reality as calm and beautiful as possible by using every technique available?

 Even if it was a fib, it could still be my truth to lie to myself with integrity and in a loving way, until those new more loving stories were adopted by the unconscious to become the new operating system of my brain.

 And remember this course is about finding calmness, by understanding who you are, considering who you wish to become, retraining your brain and body and becoming a new person with more precise intentions, and therefore, how might your truth be defined from the context of this new perspective?

 It’s not about how we cling to our old stories, it’s about how we let go and try new things.

 Now, one helpful starting point is to explore if you use any statements like these;

 “If I don’t do it, nobody else will.”

“They can’t manage on their own.”

“It’s just who I am.”

“It’s hard for me to say no.”

“Our family has always done it that way.”

 Can you see, that though these may be true, they are not the whole truth? Because, if you don’t do it, eventually somebody else will, but they’ll do it their way and not yours.

And if they think they can manage on their own, (perhaps) let them – pull back, maybe they can, maybe they can’t, it’s their responsibility to discover – not necessarily yours.

And is who you are, who you have to be?

And why is it so hard for you to say no? Well, perhaps some of the problem is that you are taking responsibility for things that are not really your responsibility.

And just because your family always did it that way – perhaps that’s just a sentimental, conditioned habit; perhaps another dream could be – what new traditions or behaviours would you wish for your daughter to pass on to her daughter, that she will learn from watching your new behaviours now?

It’s my experience that many of life’s dramas can be eased, simply by deciding where your boundaries of responsibility start and finish, and then, honestly, communicating this through your words and actions.

I remember hearing the phrase, “Saying no to them, is saying yes to yourself!” – And thinking, wow, that’s so obvious – why have I ever never looked at life this way before?

And, if my brain were to analyse great people like Gandhi, Mother Teresa or Nelson Mandella, it tells me that these were just normal people, who did outstanding things, in common sense ways – by selfishly doing what they believed in, taking responsibility for their actions and always speaking their truth.

And though their lives must have been tough, I would imagine they would’ve had a deep sense of purpose, meaning, fulfilment and respect for themselves, within their heart which nobody could ever take from them.

Just through common sense, love, honesty and action, they left a footprint on this planet.

And in any journey of change (and you wouldn’t be watching this if you didn’t want to change) – I think we must make time to selfishly put our needs first.

And if you have an issue with the word selfish – meditate on that too – because if anybody calls you selfish, what they are saying is, “You’re placing your attention on you, when you should be placing it on me!” Therefore, that other person might be either very needy or unknowingly quite narcissistic!

Being selfish, to the degree you can find calmness, wellness and direction, will allow you to be there for those you ultimately choose to take responsibility for – and surely that’s a beautiful thing.

So, spending time really pondering what you are prepared to take responsibility for (and what you won’t), is a fascinating exercise – especially if you then share your decisions with those around you so they are aware of how you are intending to alter your life.

With my partner Jen, (though her happiness is her responsibility) I choose to take responsibility for trying to create an environment around her that is conducive to her well-being.

I aim to take responsibility for the part I can influence, and I check in from time to time, to honestly see how I’m doing and if her needs have changed.

Therefore I am taking responsibility for keeping my behaviours up to date and truthfully telling her what I require for my happiness so she can do the same for me, should she wish.

I try to take full responsibility (for myself) for taking the actions that will propel my life towards my intentions, like learning, building a home, earning money, having a social life, and creativity – but I don’t take responsibility for the outcomes of those actions – because how could I?

And I’ve learned to stop listening to the part of my brain that says I ought to do anything – because that was just an old outdated program!

Now, I know I have said this many times in this course, but I think it’s worth repeating – It’s a common trait amongst anxious people to wait until they are certain something will work before they take action rather than taking action, just to see if it will work!

Therefore, this exercise of contemplating where you choose to define your boundaries of responsibility – can hugely reduce what you need to do or worry about!

I think our left brain’s ‘intelligence addiction’ to facts, knowledge and the need for certainty – which (in theory) offers the individual the perceived ‘safety’ of doing the right thing – may in some part, come from our Western schooling protocols.

Our schools rewarded those students who had good memories, could rigidly apply what they had been taught and could repeat those facts back in exams – and who even debated those around them influencing them, to also believe in what they had been taught was true.

You might say this type of person had a high IQ – their intelligence quotient – which was derived from a set of standardised tests to assess human intelligence.

But those tests don’t account for something called EQ – which is emotional intelligence – which we might define as the ability to effectively manage emotions, relieve stress, communicate clearly, empathise with others, overcome challenges, and resolve conflicts in positive ways.

So, I believe intelligence should be viewed on a broad spectrum, from an academic science professor at one end to an uneducated but street-smart shopkeeper at the other.

It takes a lot of skill to do either job well and both are very clever, though one is manipulating words, numbers and data which respond well to identified laws of nature, whilst the other is influencing complex biological balls of energy called humans, with thoughts and feelings that could change any second and which can’t be defined by science, but are still absolutely true.

Imagine how effective an individual might become if they could do both – like an introverted, shy, egghead scientist who became comfortable socialising, making presentations, asking for research grants and motivating a team to achieve his goals.

 I believe we can learn how to slide ourselves across that scale of left brain analysing when we need it, to right brain sensing and connection when we need that – and to not get caught up trying to understand why everything works – and this emotional flexibility tends to bring on more calmness and helps us make well-considered decisions.

 One of the best symbolic representations of this is from the tv comedy “The Big Bang Theory” expressed by the relationship between the characters Leonard and Penny – where he (as a physicist) has a high IQ, and she, a high EQ as a waitress aspiring to be an actress, they are both extremely intelligent, but in very different ways.

And the more they learn about each other, and from each other – the scientist learns how to be more socially competent and Penny learns that her emotional intelligence is the common sense energy that ‘feels’ more than ‘thinks’ – which enhances communication, relieves stress and sorts out peoples problems.

And it’s my experience that about 80% of the clients I attract have both high IQ and EQ – but learning how to balance these two radically different ‘competing’ inner modalities (one of thinking and one of feeling) is key to their well-being.

My experience, also tells me that only 20% of these clients actually do the (intense) required work to fully make that happen.

So, an interesting question to ask is, – what are that successful 20% doing which allows them to change, which the other 80% fail to do or unconsciously sabotage themselves from doing?

Another way to state that is – “Why do you take the actions you take? Why do you do what you do?

 And, where does that need to do (to take responsibility), – where does it come from?

Is it from the left brain guidance that you ‘ought to’ follow the truth of what ‘domestication’ or classical education conditioned you with, or is it because you intuit or ‘desire to’ take responsibility for something or somebody?

I think people are slowly waking up to the fact that we are made of energy, we live in a sea of energy, motivation is energy, love is energy, creativity and action are energy – and our brain, is just an organ in our body – which sits in that field of energy – in the darkness of your skull ‘guessing’ what advice it should give you in any moment.

And, yes, your brain can advise you from all its left-brain, five-sense-rich data and past experiences – but it can also advise you from intuition and feedback from localised energy fields read from the people around you – and this is no less scientific, just more right-brained, non-linear and harder for science to currently prove.

And it’s my experience that those who take responsibility for what they ‘feel’ passionate about doing, bring that passion, desire, energy and momentum into the things they do which inspires others, you might say it energises them.

So, I am urging you to consider – that where you set your ‘inner reality’ boundaries of responsibility is a fundamental step in finding more calmness.

It will also offer you the opportunity to be more honest with yourself (and others) – and as I’ve said all through this course, anxiety makes you lie to yourself (and others) whereas, the truth will set you free – but finding what that your truth is – is the first step.

OK then,

Let’s jump to another hypothesis of mine based on everything I’ve learned over the last two decades, which I can’t prove is true, science can’t prove it’s true, but it’s still true for me.

Do you remember back in video 16 where I talked about our DNA birth personalities of Warrior, Settler and Nomad?

And that amongst any group of two-year-olds, there are about 80% natural Warriors and Nomads – dominant and (or) imaginative and playful – with the more sensitive 20% of Settlers in the minority, just a few children on the side who are scared to run free, naturally express themselves and join in.

However, when all those children reach sixteen and had been domesticated by their parents, schools and culture about 80% would think, behave and identify as Settlers and just 20% would have retained their former, instinctual Warrior or Nomad tendencies and probably wouldn’t have too many mental health issues.

However, of that 80% of conditioned Settlers (many of whom will be experiencing mental health issues) – it’s my estimation that 20% of them will have anxiety due to either their dominant Warrior feeling disempowered and out of control, their ADD, hedonistic Nomad being bored or not having a creative outlet – or their taking excessive (and often unnecessary) responsibility for everybody’s protection or happiness and not telling the truth about how they genuinely feel and what they themselves want from life.

And, isn’t it fascinating how nature loves that 80/20 ratio split, we see it everywhere…

20% of the people own 80% of the land.

20% of athletes win 80% of the time.

80% of revenue comes from 20% of customers.

20% of healthcare patients use 80% of healthcare resources.

I believe this ‘ratio of nature’ (though not scientific) appears to be true – and was first observed by an Italian economist and engineer called Pareto and has since been labelled as Pareto’s 80/20 Law.

I see this clearly in my company.

80% of the questions I am asked come from 20% of my clients.

20% of the people watch 80% of my videos.

So what are these 20% doing that achieve incredible changes in their mental health – that others are not?

And my first observation is that they get bone-crushingly honest with themselves and those around them, about who they wish to become, what they will tolerate, what needs to change and what needs to be moved away from in their life.

This honesty brings up another blunt (but honest) consideration for anybody doing this type of work – and that is – are you currently ready (or able) to make the changes required?

Is it the right time?

Is somebody else wishing you to change but you don’t want to?

Have you decided that looking after others is more important to you than how you currently live your life?

Do you want to change but aren’t prepared to put in the required effort just now?

These are questions you need to consider deeply and answer honestly.

Are you unwilling to change your job, leave an unfulfilling relationship, become more social – or remove yourself from people who suck your energy or abuse you?

Now, I’m not stupid, I know these actions will likely cause major discomfort in the now, but the downstream rewards (I promise you) will be worth it as you orientate yourself onto your true path now, rather than regretting it later.

Or perhaps, you are a true Settler and will willingly and lovingly be in service to others, perhaps you are an old-school sensitive empath, and you still feel you must bear everybody else’s pain.

Perhaps you are completely left brain and love to live in your mind and go down all the thinking rabbit holes that may find answers but stop you from taking action in life.

Can you see, it could be that radical honesty will tell you you currently aren’t ready for change – which is fine, because then you can accept you are where you are and know that you have made the decision to not change and that can often be quite liberating.

You can choose to be single, in a bad job, or an unhealthy relationship – but accept that is your choice, for now.

I think that for 80% of people change is just too overwhelming or their family or situation is just too controlling to allow them to change while living in that environment.

But before you give up and accept your plight – I’d suggest that you experiment with finding your dominant warrior’s voice, your playful nomad’s fun selfishness and allow your Settler to be more honest about what you desire to do and what you know you must stop doing.

But for everybody else, waking up to the realisation that you are responsible for your life can be far more accessible than we were ever taught.

Now as I know how hard it is to break out of the conditioned Settler mindset – I’d like to give you some ideas that may help you get out of the details of the content and up into the context of your situation.

To do this I’ll use my TIARA model – where…

 The T stands for Triggers – Have you worked on desensitising that which triggers your mind and body into fear and pulls you away from taking action?

The I stands for Intentions – Have you decided what you wish to do, or at least who you wish to become?

The A stands for Actions – Are you taking actions towards those intentions?

The R stands for Responsibility – Are you taking responsibility for your life? Or are you deferring to (or protecting) others?

And finally, The last A stands for Accountability are you making yourself accountable for your dreams by sharing your intentions and plans with others – or asking for the help you might require, and taking those leaps of faith which will force you to change, like leaving an abusive job, or going back to work – but in ways that work for this new you.

Can you, with sincerity, self-love and honesty say, yes I am doing everything feasibly possible in line with these perspectives for this moment and my future better life?

Can you honestly say to yourself, yes, I am aware of how my unconscious brain tries to sabotage me (and rather than) identifying with that ‘old story’ – I will birth (or ERP) a new belief or behaviour into my brain, which will initially feel awkward, but will recalibrate to be my new normal, you could say, to ‘build back better’ – does that ring any bells?

Because it should – as this form of ‘mind control, mind conditioning’ or self-hypnosis is extremely powerful and is being applied to you all day long from tv, films, the news, and social media – and has been most of your life.

But, there is no need to get upset or angry, the solution is quite simple, you just need to work a little harder on reprogramming yourself on what YOU desire!

As the rider of your horse, you must program it – rather than ‘unknowingly’ have your little horsey pulled this way and that by the needs of others.

Can you honestly say to yourself, yes I am procrastinating right now?

Can you be honest with yourself and say yes, I do distract myself from taking the actions required?

Or can you raise your hand and say – I’d rather someone else took away all my responsibilities because I don’t know what I want – so, for now, I’ll just conform, I’ll fit in and do what is needed, and I’ll relinquish my brain’s exhausting ‘supposed to’ responsibilities, allowing me a brief respite to recharge, regroup and reflect, before trying again later?

Because, at least then, you have your truth available to you and from this point, you can decide to take more responsibility, or just defer it out to others and let it go – both are equally valid options – because there is no right way to do anything – it’s just that your conditioned brain makes you think there is…

This model can also be expanded – whereby if you are honest and say ”upon consideration, I can’t or don’t want to do it”, or even, “I’m not ready yet”, – this can be temporarily liberating.

You are not yet a Queen – who wears the crown of responsibility, instead, you are still the immature Princess, so therefore, you have a decision to make.

Will you accept and enjoy being the princess for now, aware that there is more work to do – but the time isn’t right, so you can let go of feelings of responsibility and control, have some fun, learn new things – or simply allow others to take responsibility for you – it can be instantly freeing!

Or might you choose to acknowledge that you are the centre of your universe, you are the rider of your horse, you are the King or Queen of your life, and you make that powerful transition that only 20% of people are courageous enough to do, you move from Princes to Queen, Prince to King?

And all I am here to tell you is (though hard) it’s a good journey, and ultimately it’s worth the effort because responsibility leads to meaning and the truth sets you free – eventually.

And it’s my experience that using your imagination, within your inner reality, to create these new more optimistic and truthful dreams on your mind screen will enhance your ability to keep lovingly and courageously talking yourself into doing what you know will be best for your life – and surely, that’s the most beautiful gift any person can bestow upon themselves and is the definition of unconditional love. 

I like Princess to Queen and Prince to King metaphors – because our Soul can so clearly articulate between which thoughts (and behaviours) are naive and Princely and which ones are solid and Kingly (based on your new inner truth) and so, can simply guide us to make decisions from that new perspective.

The Princess is exploring who she is – whereas the Queen has found herself, she knows who she is and what she wants, she speaks truthfully and takes responsibility for her actions towards her best life and that of those around her (whilst still respecting that they are responsible for their lives too).

So, no matter what happens in our outer reality if we can govern the inner one, then (mostly) – all is well. 

My life changed radically once, I stepped up and allowed my King to run the inner domain – where before, the Prince, who meant well, but was too egotistically susceptible and hadn’t yet learned how life works, therefore was caught up in his left brain thinking and animal horsey desires.

So…

I would suggest that you jump back to watch video 16 again, then, videos 29 and 32, parts one and two – as these will help you to explore truth and responsibility.

Then, will you decide to remain a Prince or do the hard work to become the King?

Will you become a Settler Queen, with a hint of Warrior, or a Warrior Queen of integrity and action, might you become a Nomad Queen that lives in the now creating, inspiring and bringing joy to others?

Only you will know – as this is your life, your dream and your responsibility.

And one last observation – my life changed for the better once I stopped trying to be a nice person and became a good person – and when I discovered that there is no right or wrong way to do anything.

Each moment is unique, each person is different, one size does not fit all – and underneath all of my left-brain-conditioned thinking was nature’s field of energy that would intuitively communicate with me – if I only could shut up long enough to sense it and trust it.

OK, lots to think about as usual, but I think these are valuable things to consider.