The first half of this 48-minute video explores how we might apply common sense thinking to our relationships (or finding a partner), and the second half examines the role of our body’s reward (and feel-good) chemicals, like serotonin and oxytocin.
I explore how we might become more adept at accessing it, restoring it and not wasting it, thus metaphorically becoming our own natural anti-depressant.
Information about this video
I’ve called this video – Taking common sense into relationships and adapting your internal chemistry.
I’ve chosen to stay with the topic of common sense as the feedback from my last video was so positive and because common sense thinking (often) gets obscured by the continuous bombardment of the cultural and societal programming our brains have always received.
So, the first topic I would like to apply some common sense thinking to is our relationships.
I often ask clients, “How much time do you spend working on your relationship with your significant other? And, usually, they stare back at me and say, “What do you mean?”
I say, “how much time do you dedicate to learning more about them, exploring ways to communicate more effectively, planning for the future, being playful with them, finding ways to make them happy, helping them to live out their dreams and things like that.”
Because surely, those things would make a lot of common sense if you are going to spend the next 20, 30 or 40 years together?
I say a similar thing to single clients too (assuming they wish to be in a relationship), “Who might you need to become, and how might you need to behave that would attract the type of person you desire to seek you out and choose to spend their life with you?
How can your day-to-day behaviours broadcast messages out into the World through your optimism, calmness, happiness and approachability (or whatever message you’d like them to receive about you)?
I think these are big questions worth exploring that drill down into the true essence of who you desire to be and what type of relationship might bring you the most connection, calmness and joy – or whatever it is you want from a relationship, which is another good question, “do you really know what you want from a relationship?”
Another common-sense measurement is to consider – are you aligned with your partner?
Do you believe in similar things? Do you like doing similar activities? Do you have common goals, values, and intentions? Culturally are you aligned? Do you have similar desires about having children (or not), and how might you like to bring up your children?
Do you have similar views on work-life balance? Common aspirations of connection with extended family? Do you socially enjoy doing similar activities and like similar types of people? Can you talk about any topic without triggering each other? Does your partner know your deepest desires, and are you brave enough to share them?
Alignment can also include balance, like one party being introverted and the other extroverted; there will be a level where this compliments the relationship, and each grows from the other’s behaviour, but at another level, it may become out of balance, like if one party worries about everything the other doesn’t.
So, alignment (and balance) help to underpin a good relationship, and that alignment comes from knowing who you are and what you want from life and from enhanced communication skills that will allow you to understand your partner too.